The Power of Fear and Positivity

How I changed my relationship with anxiety

Fear is in our DNA and completely and utterly present, like our organs, our blood, our limbs. It has an extremely vital use, just like our eyes, our legs and our ears do.

In cavemen days we thrived from fear because it forced us to act in ways to protect ourselves and our loved ones when it was necessary. If there was a bear in the forest or a tiger in the jungle, we were fuelled with adrenaline to react instinctively thanks to fear.

Today, we still need fear for times when we are in immediate danger, such as living in a war zone, being homeless, or if we are physically attacked. We go into survival mode and use fear to act with the end goal of finding safety.

If we are living with our needs met, and life is generally good, fear will start popping up for other kinds of dangers. I say it “overreacts” because we are in a time where fear has never been so irrelevant to our day-to-day lives to a lot of people, especially in the more economically developed countries.

So, if your physiological needs are met and you’re living generally well — i.e. you have shelter, food, and a small support system whether that be family, friends, a mentor, the government, etc — and are suffering from anxiety, it more often than not means that fear is being overbearing.

This is the case for me, actually. I have grown up always being my own devil’s advocate, the micromanaging Karen, the scared little girl who didn’t take risks for fear of appearing stupid or less than to the outside world. I was indecisive about the smallest things and I overanalysed everything I did or did not do. I would question my very thoughts, wondering whether I was right to think or feel in one way or another. Focusing on the times I was told I was wrong in my thinking throughout my life made me question everything about myself, to the point I would constantly rely on someone’s approval — my parents, my partner, my friends, colleagues.

Potential and Real Outcomes

With fear and anxiety, we make decisions by process of elimination.

“This option might backfire so I’ll choose door A instead as it’s safer, even if it’s not really what I want.”

We don’t give the positive and more seemingly daring options a chance because we don’t allow ourselves to think about them in too much detail.

When we get “alarm bells”, our instinct plays a huge part in telling us that something is off and we use that to guide us. But we don’t always use our gut feeling for something that feels good. We might still stop ourselves despite our instinct telling us that it feels right.

We care too much about the wrong things.

If I am paranoid that there is a dangerous man down an alleyway, I’m going to use my instinct and choose a different route, phone a friend, and do anything to protect myself against a potential threat. Even if there wasn’t a dangerous man it is good to take the precautions just in case because walking a different way does not harm me, and actually, it benefits me since I will feel safer.

But if I’m anxious that someone doesn't like me, it is not necessary for fear to step in because that kind of threat isn’t that dangerous (in most cases). It’s just that because fear is so loud, I engage with it without really thinking of the finer details of the subject.

Fear may think someone not liking me is the end of the world, and thus, I would let it make me feel extremely anxious and act differently because of it.

I was such a nervous child I asked my mother multiple times a day if she loved me. I can’t work out to this day why this is but since I am aware of it, I am able to step back and somewhat control how much attention I give those feelings.

“Worrying is praying for the things you don’t want” — Jen Sincero

I believe that as a result of my fear and anxiety, I have attracted more things to be fearful and anxious about. When the penny dropped last year, I started to focus my mind on the things I was not fearful of in order to attract more good in my life. It was hard, but it took practice and eventually I made it into a habit. I read lots of self-development books in line with The Law of Attraction. Rhonda Byrne, Earl Nightingale, and Zig Ziglar are super inspirational and I recommend you look into their stuff.

I have learned to take a step back before spiralling and ask myself whether fear needs to be part of a conversation I am having in my brain. It is not the end of the world whether someone likes me or not usually, and it will not make a bit of difference to my life on a general basis since it is not threatening my physical wellbeing.

Changing my relationship with fear in this way has helped me take some control of my thinking. I’ve let myself really explore my identity and my desires. I quit my job, I took up writing, and I feel much more confident in the every-day decisions I make for myself, and ultimately, for my son.

The Power of Positivity

What if, whenever we are making decisions and thinking of worst-case scenarios, we were to also imagine the best possible outcomes, no matter how unrealistic they seemed?

Angela Lashbrook wrote an amazing article titled “My Therapist Says Think of the Best-Case Scenario” which blew my mind because the idea seems so obvious, yet is so overlooked. I had a true light bulb moment, thanks to her.

If we are going to give so much attention to our anxiety-inducing, fearful thoughts, then we have to give a chance to our positive thoughts and pay them an equal amount of attention. This would, without a doubt, make the more negative potentials seem that much less loud and, more importantly, unimportant, irrelevant, and unnecessary!

How much do I care if Linda from Accounts likes me or not?

How much does it matter if a group of girls gossiped about me in school, really?

I’ve cared a lot until I decided I shouldn’t. I choose to focus on what I do care — my loved ones and enjoying myself by fulfilling my own potentials.

And if thinking badly attracted more bad into my life, by logic, the opposite should work too — daydreaming about the best case scenarios actually attracts them into your life.

“You become what you think about most… But you also attract what you think about most.” — John Assaraf

The power of positivity is as great as the power of fear — we just need to consciously focus our attention on the good outcomes in order to realise them.

Being in the Moment

My son is a walking definition of happiness because he constantly lives in the moment. He seeks fun and laughter.

For him to retain this attitude, I have to lead by example by smiling a lot myself.

Daydreaming about the good potential outcomes makes me smile, but the ultimate way to enjoy life is by being in the moment and truly embrace what we have right here, right now.

Otherwise, I will always be waiting for the next best thing to be happy, and never actually achieve happiness. Being happy in the moment and finding ways to stay in the moment and out of my head helps me battle anxiety every day.

I find ways to be in the room and out of my head unless I am thinking positively. For example, I couldn’t sleep last night because I was too busy thinking about how little I am advancing in my writing career.

To take me out of my bad mood, I got up and read a few articles on Medium about productivity. I changed the subject in my mind because anything negative invading my personal space was unnecessary.

I felt better.

Then, this happened:

BOOM! I made a coffee and started writing after reading this email.

Make a point of swapping negative out for positive, and great things will come.

Last Words

• If you’re going to live in your head, day-dream about best-case scenarios.
• Try to live in your surroundings and enjoy each moment. Put on some music and dance away — no matter where you are. I was dancing just this morning while out with my son at a kids’ park without a single care in the world.

Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, motherhood, and pro-race. See more work like this.