avatarVictor Cardenas

Summary

The author recounts a bizarre and intense experience after mistakenly taking a "Cocoa Boost" intended for productivity, leading to a series of surreal and humorous events.

Abstract

The narrative unfolds with the author waking up disoriented, naked, and covered in maple syrup, following an unintentional overdose on a productivity supplement given by Grandma Smillew. The mix-up results in a surge of writing output, a 26-hour wakeful period, and a series of nonsensical notes. Throughout the ordeal, the author grapples with the side effects of the boost, including a splitting headache and difficulty focusing, while also reflecting on the beauty of writer brains and the importance of self-care and safety, including protecting children from potential harm. The piece humorously touches on various topics, such as the importance of sleep, the concept of censoring literature, and the potential misuse of substances, all while paying homage to a departed friend.

Opinions

  • The author expresses a humorous take on the unexpected consequences of taking a productivity supplement, highlighting the absurdity of the situation.
  • There is a subtle critique of the potential overreach in censoring literature, suggesting that editing out certain words is not equivalent to fascism.
  • The piece conveys a sense of admiration for the creative minds of writers and the desire to connect with them on a deeper level.
  • The author seems to value the balance between productivity and well-being, acknowledging the downsides of the boost, such as nudity, restlessness, and an empty wallet.
  • There is an underlying message about the importance of protecting oneself and one's loved ones, particularly children, from harm.
  • The author appears to advocate for mindfulness and self-care practices like yoga or Pilates as alternatives to substance-induced productivity.
  • The narrative includes a heartfelt dedication to a friend who passed away, suggesting a personal connection to the story and the impact of the event on the author.

SUBSTANCE MISUSE

Oops, All Coca! I Dosed Myself With Coca Boost

I Woke up Naked in Front of My Home With a Fully Lit Beam

There she was, right next to me in the tall grass. A veritable dream, a wonderful Mad Libs partner. Was she from Boston? Chicago? Phoenix? Toronto? Elsewhere? An image started to slowly take shape in my mind’s eye. Suddenly, I woke up. Photo by Felipe Silva

This wasn’t a normal month for me! I woke up in the bushes, sweating, naked, and covered in maple syrup (cut to Han Solo saying — “I know”). My perpetually empty wallet was missing and my sole remaining article of clothing, a scuffed patent leather shoe — it lay upside down and muddy, pushing aside some tall grass.

But what had happened, and how did I get here? I let out a loud audible groan, but it wasn’t a groan at all. It was a confused “Grrrrrrrrrrrrandma?”

That’s RIGHT, Grandma Smillew gave me one of her patented Cocoa Boosts! I got confused and took a coca boost instead — and wrote more pieces than any month before. I had a splitting headache, the sunlight hurt my eyes. I quickly put on my sunglasses, but my eyes had trouble focusing. What happened?

It was recommended I get some sleep. I handed my wallet over to this guy named Bear Stearns during the boost. Hoping this CDO thing works out! If not, I’m sure the politicians will bail me out.

I was awake for 26 hours straight. Holy shazbot! I wrote ALL of this? Well, I guess I found something much better than cocoa. 🥴 My romantic dream lingered in my mind. There are so many beautiful writer brains I would love to literally meet.

Not too far from my shoe was my trusty notepad that I use for all my investigations. Small miracle! Nonsense was scrawled on every single page. It didn’t make any sense at all, except for the part where I made myself the hero.

I tried to wipe the maple syrup from my coated, naked body. No dice. I guess I’ve had to find some other way to get it off of me (private notes welcomed). Speaking of places associated with such liquid stickiness:

I decided to catch a shower in and then catch up with the kids to see what they’ve been up to. It’s important to protect them as I teach them how to protect themselves.

Speaking of cacao, there’s something not quite right with the narrative of censoring Roald Dahl’s classic children’s stories. Some people might confuse editing out a few choice words and phrases across numerous books with actual fascism.

Incredible. Grandma’s Cocoa Boost really worked. I picked up my barren wallet from the ground.

On second thought, while I enjoyed the increased output, the nudity, restlessness, and empty wallet weren’t worth it. I think I had better take the advice of my wise friend Michele and do some yoga instead.

Or Pilates. Definitely Pilates. Foreshadowing? Never heard of it. Coming soon to an oddly unclean monitor near you, “True History: Pilates”. Is that a fleck of protein powder? Something that you extracted from your teeth while flossing? Make sure you use an alcohol and ammonia-free cleaner on that monitor, or you’ll have a bad time. Love you.

This self-congratulatory piece was written in honor of our dearly departed friend Bichodomato, who was taken too soon. It was a tachycardic event shortly after the now-infamous Boost announcement. I suppose there are downsides to being upside down.

This Happened To Me
Humor
Satire
Cocoa
Investigation
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