O Canada Oh Ohhhhhh

True History: Life Lessons from Canada’s Family Day

High Human Development Index, Low Holiday Sense Making

Family Day is a celebration of family that occurs on the third Monday in February in Canada. The primary reason that this holiday is placed toward the end of February is that it’s tits freezing out this time of year. Canadians need a late winter reminder that other people exist outside their individual homes. People that they can visit after the first frost in order to trade munitions, rations, beaver pelts, and toques using the official Canadian medium of exchange: Timbits.

Canada Fact: All Canadians have excellent urinary penmanship stemming from seasonal access to the necessary writing template — snow.

I Don’t Have Friends, I Have Family

Family Day is all about family. Who doesn’t like family? People participate in activities aimed at the whole family. The original motto was, “A time to reflect. A day to celebrate.” Alberta was the first province to celebrate Family Day in 1990. You would know that if you could be darned to read the bleeping chart I made.

I swear to all heck if I have to write family one more time I’m going to scream. I’m an adult, I’m an adult, I am. An. Adult. I can do this.

From the original proclamation by Don Getty, former Alberta Premier:

“The values upon which our forefathers built this province will be emphasized — love of family, love of home, love of faith and community, and love of Alberta.”

Some common Family Day activities include playing board games, visiting museums, skating on outdoor ice rinks, and hiding in the closet while mommy and daddy yell about why ‘aunt’ Jessica’s car was in the driveway, and she was inside getting her ‘upper ribs checked out in the back bedroom’ when daddy was sick at home last Wednesday.

Oh, and there are hot chocolate and fresh-baked cookies on Family Day. Yum!

You Don’t Turn Your Back on Family. Even When They Do

Some choose to celebrate “Louis Riel Day”, “Islander Day”, or “Heritage Day” on the same third Monday as Family Day. Some choose to celebrate no holiday at all. Shame on them for keeping life unique, interesting, and diverse.

Louis Riel Day

In Manitoba, Louis Riel Day is celebrated. Louis was considered the “Father of Manitoba” as he helped form the provisional government that helped create Manitoba.

Louis was a Métis, which is an ethnic and cultural mix of First Nations (Native American) women and European men with no clear definition. Some believe the Métis are comprised of a combination of three groups.

Race and ethnicity are difficult to precisely define, and the problem of who is or isn’t what and when is a current problem. There are big-M Métis as defined above. There are also small-m métis which are a contemporary designation describing “any community of European-Indigenous ancestry”. The older Métis groups seem to share a unifying oppression by those who were English speakers. No matter what, it’s bleeping confusing.

Language Fact: The Métis lingual tradition comes from a mix of Ojibwe verbs and French nouns. I can’t elaborate any further because I was never very good at Mad Libs.

In 1869, Riel became a spokesperson for the Métis and led a rebellion in defense of the Red River Colony from governmental encroachment. The very next year, the Manitoba Act was passed and Manitoba was recognized as a province. In 1872, Riel was exiled to Minnesota. Riel was asked to help contend with governmental overreach in Saskatchewan in 1885. This led to the North-West Resistance. Riel was defeated in battle and convicted of high treason. Some historians argue that he would have had a lesser sentence had he elected not to eat that infused brownie.

Riel Fact: During his time in exile, Louis Riel fashioned himself some sort of divine prophet favored by God after having a vision.

He was subsequently hanged in Regina, Saskatchewan. You could say that Louis Riel was executed for keeping it real. He didn’t suffer all that Royal bullhonkey, and they killed him for that.

Islander Day

Oh, you gotta have your cute but separate stuff over on Prince Edward Island too? And it’s mostly about the same family-type stuff as Family Day such as rest, relaxation, family, and community. Well, go ahead and enjoy yourselves. Let’s let bygones be bygones.

You do you, Islander Day. At least the names of places in the rest of the country don’t sound like a pecker piercing or something crude and sexually suggestive. Especially not places like Climax, Saskatchewan, or Spread Eagle, Newfoundland.

Heritage Day

I’m a little irritated that this holiday exists. This holiday is about the natural environment, history, and architecture. Do you know who partakes in the natural environment, history, and architecture? Families, that’s who!

Heritage day is confusing because it’s spent on the first Monday of August in Alberta, the Friday before the last Sunday in February in Yukon (whatever the heck that means), and February 17 in Saskatchewan. That means that Heritage Day will sometimes conflict with Family day in Saskatchewan including 2014, 2017,2020, and 2025.

Are the Canadian people not capable of convening on a singular date for a singular holiday? Don’t answer that, the proof is in the poutine.

Nova Scotia Heritage Day

I just can’t. I can’t go on. Is every little provincial area in Canada going to have its own little I-am-a-special-snowflake Mickey Mouse holiday? Is that what we’re doing here? How about a holiday for Fogo Island (pop 2,117) or Ellesmere Island Day (pop 144)? I don’t give a shake if there are any more alternate holidays. I’m done with you, Canada! I quit.

Lessons Learned

The first lesson I’ve learned from this exercise is that Canadian holidays are a mess. The second lesson is that family is annoying and confusing and therefore, best kept at a distance. Maybe the family isn’t so great after all. These people that don’t celebrate Family Day are all traitors to the Canadian King, Charles III. However, in the spirit of Family day, I’m sure Charles forgives them for their trespasses.

Thanks for wasting 18 of my youthful, vigorous life force hours Ann James. I really appreciate it. Here’s your blasted kiss ‘n tell. Hey Ann, if the world doesn’t revolve around the United States, then how is it that I am now the top writer on the subject of Canada on Medium? Happy flapping President’s Day to you!

“Your code is about family. And that’s great in the holidays, but it makes you predictable. And in our line of work, predictable means vulnerable. And that means I can reach out and break you whenever I want.”

-Owen Shaw, F6 (not a notable Canadian)

The True History series consists of in-depth, totally accurate research. Each instance is fastidiously researched using reliable indicators of record such as lying, exaggeration, and deceit. All True History articles are guaranteed to be poorly researched, with cognitive bias and ego dispersed throughout.

This piece has been lovingly crafted using curse-free language in order to make it family-friendly.

A very special thank you goes out to Gareth Willey, typeset advocate for helping to select the perfect font.

A very special thank you goes out to Robin Wilding, who taught me everything I know about Spread Eagle, then Climax during some late-night chats involving French nouns. I’ve become incredibly limber thanks to her.

You thought I was going to cut and paste some awesome stuff I previously wrote before here, didn’t you? Go spend some time with your family or something.