RUNNING AND PHYSIOTHERAPY
Introducing The First Annual Couch to 5k for Fascists!
Fitness is for Everybody
TRIPOLI, February 25— According to Absolutism Studies experts across the globe, contemporary fascism has a sedentary problem. Sagging waistlines and unhealthy cholesterol levels are some of the challenges for the modern dictator. Prejudicial Hierarchical Nationalism, a registered charity, has introduced the first Couch to 5K — with a race to be held in Libya in May.
Notable fascists such as Aleksandr Lukashenko, Yoweri Museveni, and more report they are gaining adipose tissue. Fascists have become soft after securing hard power through violent means. They buy bottomless soft serve with their ill-gotten hard power and violence. The main problem is too much I scream.
Self Care Tip: An occasional treat after a public execution of your closest relatives in order to consolidate power can be calming. Kim Jong Il, of North Korea, likes mini marshmallows in hot chocolate — and not having to decide whose home to visit for the Lunar New Year!
According to a recent study by Dr. Jeff A. Nelprober, positive psychologist and author of New York Times Bestseller “Fascy Fit: A Totalitarian Workout Revolution”, medals are motivating for fascists:
“Exercise promotes the production of serotonin and norepinephrine which helps to produce positive feelings that keep us almost as motivated as a public execution. Running also helps to maintain a healthy weight”
The race has been carefully designed as a safe space for fascists and cheating will be allowed according to race director Jill Kathleen “JK” Rowland.
“Anti-egalitarianism is a hallmark of the fascist mentality. The event will be biologically essential, trans-exclusionary, and enforced via-state-sanctioned violence. Anti-egalitarianism keeps fascists ideologically stimulated and there’s nothing more scary than lower social groups and their desire for equality. We take our jobs seriously — it has nothing with the dictators threatening to kill and/or exile our beautiful families. USA, Please do not send Hellfire R-9X missiles created by your oligarchical corporations to to deal with our leaders”
The event is searching the fastest fascist and there will be a race expo at Mussolini’s Place Bar and Grill at 7 PM Eastern European Standard Time. The leaders will be seated and eating by 7:15 PM and clustered in the upper east end of the hall right by large windows with a clear line of site with easy air and marine access. The skies will be clear for the entire week of the event.
The winner of the event will receive two-hundred and fifty half-starved liberal democracy advocates, 2 alligators with a taste for human flesh, a signed copy of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”, excellent cardiovascular health, and a gold medal.
Chocolate Banana Almond Oats Recovery Drink Recipe
This recipe has been modified to make fascist-friendly by describing the food items with the most globally exploited workers in descending order.
- 1 tsp cacao nibs
- half a frozen banana
- 1 cup nonfat milk (or soy/ nut alternative)
- 6 raw almonds (or 280 if you’re overwintering in California)
- 1 cup steel cut oats
Instructions
- Blend up that ish, bish
- Serve immediately. IMMEDIATELY or else!
Victor Cardenas has never had fascist tendencies, even when the tofu scramble and crispy potatoes come out cold at his favorite brunch spot. Pass the Tapatío, please.