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Abstract

crocodiles to intimidate my enemies. I envisioned myself as a sort of Tony Snark, but with a better mustache. “Release the alligators!” I would sometimes yell to no one in particular. I got especially weird looks at the zoo.</p><p id="27b0">With my technology dreams dashed, I decided I would become a “blogular”, which is an early written form of what we now know to be a “blogger”. The name change was absolutely unnecessary, similar to the change from emoticon to emoji. I’m still devastated at this loss of culture.</p><p id="5c6a">I blogged about politics and news and was fairly successful writing under the nom de plume, <b>Patrice Side</b>. I never cared for my father. He was a Xerox PARC employee for decades and never told me they had already figured out Cut, Copy, and Paste.</p><p id="0955">In 2015, I broke news about KONY 2012 and Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony. Instead of 30 years late, I was only 3 years late. My readership tanked, and I became the laughingstock of the internet. I’ve been broke and roundly mocked ever since.</p><p id="5722">Carlo has invited me to write about something I know very well and offered a redemptive path. The quest is to spin a yarn as to what it is like to try to earn money on Medium in 10 words.</p><figure id="6936"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*lHPJKcRWepK6NB1Gwd8zvQ.jpeg"><figcaption>Carlo said to make it short, and I made it doubly so. Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@luddmyla?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Luddmyla</a>.</figcaption></figure><p id="0c73">As a reward, he has promised as many as 10 cents of “Fuck You” money. As I’ve demonstrated, I’m smart and scrappy. Sometimes succinct. I just

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get to things a little late.</p><figure id="f603"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*nTb28PH5MhMl2DC3IlcF3Q.png"><figcaption>Quote by Victor Cardenas. Citation by Victor Cardenas. Egotistical narcissism by Victor Cardenas.</figcaption></figure><p id="67e8">So anyway, here I am. Keeping it short.</p><p id="69b8"><i>Disgusting and Vulgar Self-Promotion</i></p><div id="fd86" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/dear-diary-i-came-late-to-the-medium-blowjob-challenge-now-im-getting-a-divorce-e4c405661032"> <div> <div> <h2>Dear Diary, I Came Late To The Medium Blowjob Challenge — Now I’m Getting A Divorce</h2> <div><h3>Present With Rain Poncho</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*o2nirkuL1c9cvQyrZqsBJA.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="7602" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-formed-a-parasocial-relationship-with-a-bunch-of-medium-writers-2e560bd9684f"> <div> <div> <h2>I Formed a Parasocial Relationship With a Bunch of Medium Writers</h2> <div><h3>And Tossed the BrāHmasphuṭAsiddhāNta out the window</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*-Y8iyZwsDft4KeVK3_to6g.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

SWORD FOR HIRE

10 Words Don’t Do It Justice

My Take on Medium Zenoscopic Fiction

My nemesis, personified. We’ll get to that later. Photo by Brandi Redd

Carlo Zeno is arguably at the zenith of Medium writers. I know that statement sounds kinda funny and kissy assy, but it’s truey. You see, Carlo is the first one to have the true sight necessary to recognize yours truly as a serious writer who takes everything seriously. It’s been a while since I’ve been recognized for those qualities.

Many people think that I’m a joke and that simply isn’t true.

My journey into serious writing began in 2005. I had just invented Cut, Copy, and Paste. Unfortunately, I wasn’t aware Xerox PARC had beaten me to the punch by more than 30 years.

I was devastated and have been broke ever since. Mostly because I refused to get a “real” job.

The discovery that my idea had been stolen dashed my dreams of being an ultra wealthy technologist who sold weapons of mass destruction to anyone and everyone while carelessly jet-setting to island paradises such as Ramree Island in Myanmar.

I further fantasized about training the Ramree saltwater crocodiles to intimidate my enemies. I envisioned myself as a sort of Tony Snark, but with a better mustache. “Release the alligators!” I would sometimes yell to no one in particular. I got especially weird looks at the zoo.

With my technology dreams dashed, I decided I would become a “blogular”, which is an early written form of what we now know to be a “blogger”. The name change was absolutely unnecessary, similar to the change from emoticon to emoji. I’m still devastated at this loss of culture.

I blogged about politics and news and was fairly successful writing under the nom de plume, Patrice Side. I never cared for my father. He was a Xerox PARC employee for decades and never told me they had already figured out Cut, Copy, and Paste.

In 2015, I broke news about KONY 2012 and Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony. Instead of 30 years late, I was only 3 years late. My readership tanked, and I became the laughingstock of the internet. I’ve been broke and roundly mocked ever since.

Carlo has invited me to write about something I know very well and offered a redemptive path. The quest is to spin a yarn as to what it is like to try to earn money on Medium in 10 words.

Carlo said to make it short, and I made it doubly so. Photo by Luddmyla.

As a reward, he has promised as many as 10 cents of “Fuck You” money. As I’ve demonstrated, I’m smart and scrappy. Sometimes succinct. I just get to things a little late.

Quote by Victor Cardenas. Citation by Victor Cardenas. Egotistical narcissism by Victor Cardenas.

So anyway, here I am. Keeping it short.

Disgusting and Vulgar Self-Promotion