TRANSGENDER
My Big Fat Trans Evolution
That time I broke my gender and found me
Trans evolution is a journey
What is the trans experience? What is a typical trans evolution? That’s like asking what is the perfect coffee — everyone will give you a different answer, and some will insist that their answer is the only real correct answer. In truth, there is no typical trans evolution because there is no typical experience of life. Sure, there’s a trans-normative narrative that many of us are familiar with; I definitely don’t meet those criteria and I know few that do. But, that doesn’t matter. I’m on my own journey, with my own directions, and my own stops on the way, and my own sights to see, and my own people to meet, and my own life to live. It’s just not what I thought it would be.
There is no typical trans evolution because there is no typical experience of life.
Before I delve into my journey, I’d like to share a fantastic article from Amanda Roman. It’s a wonderful starting point for any understanding of the generalized transgender experience.
July 2020: Wait — the wolf and the vampire?
It’s such a harmless thing. I am just doing what I do — writing my book. Then, I realize I have two gay characters who are pining for each other. I hate romance. I could never write it. But I do write it. The straight relationships I wrote about previously were so… vanilla. What blows my mind most is how easy and natural it is to write, and how much I enjoy the process.
November 2020: Now I’m writing MM sports romance?
It starts as a spin-off joke, and then it takes on a life of its own. First Strike will be my first queer romance book series. In November, I write book one: Taking the Field. As I write, some of the other characters arrive, including Hunter, a trans man.
January 2021: My first trans character
I’m writing book three of First Strike: Calling the Shots. This book is about Jasper and Hunter. I know Hunter is a trans man but I have much to learn. I take the uninformed and easy option with Hunter’s transition background as he has already had both top and bottom surgery (metoidioplasty), and has a supportive family. Not once do I mention Testosterone (I am highly uninformed still). I start to see hints and signs of self. I start to see internalized things that I am not yet ready to externalize.
In January, I had to do the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it was also the best thing; it was the thing that I needed to do to allow myself to find me. I ceased communication with my narcissistic womb-without-a-view (the mother). In that moment of release of expectations, my gender dissolved.
February 2021: Gender panic
By February I am in a state of gender panic. I can no longer deny that I am genderqueer by the very definition, but my poor little brain has suffered for so long with the narrative that ‘trans people transition to become straight’ that I am struggling with the concept of being trans.
March 2021: Binary panic
I’ve accepted now that I am ‘not woman’, and so, I go to the extreme. I am man. It doesn’t feel right, but I have to be, don’t I? I am still stuck in binary thinking. I start therapy for the first time in my life.
April — May 2021: My first non-binary character
The next few months are a mess of emotional insecurity, fear of people finding out how confused I am about myself, fear of what the future might hold, fear of what being a trans man might mean for me. I’m still confused and I’m trying to push myself to understand, to make a ‘decision’ about who I am and want I want. I’m trying to force myself to fit into a box, but it’s not my box. Then, I write book five in the First Strike series: Nailing the Target. My main characters are Nate and Steele. Steele is intersex and non-binary, and he has much to teach me.
June 2021 — The Ash in me
I start a new series: Streamlined. This time, the main character is a gay trans man, Ash. I live vicariously through his experiences of social and medical transition, and his experiences of dating as a gay man. Perhaps it’s the life I would have had. Treading Water is book 1 and when Ash begins his HRT, I’m slightly jealous. I love him so much and I want to protect him because he is me.
I have a uni subject that calls for the creation of a major project so I do something bold. I adapt the first few chapters of Treading Water into the pilot episode of a fictional podcast. I cast LGBTQIA+ community members (and one ally) and include the music of two non-binary artists. Released in September, it’s one of my proudest achievements and I invite you to listen to it below (note: free to listen and I do not receive compensation).
August 2021: They/Them — embracing the Enby
I start playing with they/them pronouns and allow myself to consider that I can be non-binary. I have a gender therapist, and his pronouns are he/they. He understands the journey because he’s been on it, and that makes all the difference. They understand when I tell them my fears, like how non-binary feels like nothingness, no-man’s-land. He understands my uncertainty about what I want to do next. Do I want to medically transition? Do I want to start Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT)? Do I want to go on Testosterone (T)?
September 2021:
I’m finally in a place where I understand that I don’t have to do anything. I don’t need to go on T. I don’t need to transition in any way, shape, or form. I can just be non-binary. I can just be me. I don’t have to explain anything to anyone. I soak up what little trans-masc and non-binary representation I can find and I begin to understand that the binary was constructed as a way to explain and control. It was never real. It never existed.
More therapy sessions, more realizations, and I’m off to my first appointment to discuss beginning HRT. I’m still completely uncertain, but by the end of the month, I have my prescription, I fill that prescription, and I have Testogel in my hands. Suddenly, it’s all very real. Too real. And I have a mini-breakdown.
October 2021: Happy T-Day
Another therapy session with my gender therapist and we unpack a few deep-held beliefs that are holding me back from accepting who I am and fully becoming myself. We break them apart. Smash them. Destroy them. He shares more of his journey too, and I’m still not completely certain, but I understand that that’s a good thing. I’m as ready as I can be.
My T-Day is October 2. From my first dose of Testogel I feel like my body is functioning better, my mind/brain is functioning better, I am functioning better. It feels like I’ve finally given my body the thing it was always craving. I start a publication, T-Day and Beyond, to journal my experience on T because it would have been so helpful to have something like that to read as I was stumbling through my early days.
November 2021: Hello, I’m KP!
Six weeks on T and yes, there are changes. Mentally, I am strong and more focused. Imposter Syndrome still attacks but the onslaught is a mild version of what came before. My gender therapist and other trans people assure me it doesn’t go away completely, but that’s okay. I still have moments of thinking how much easier it would be if I could just ignore this, but I ignored it for too long already. I ignored me for too long. I’m here now. What a waste it would be to ignore that.
I am transitioning into me
I’m not a man. I’m not a woman. I’m non-binary, and how that presents to the world doesn’t matter.
If you are under the trans umbrella, then transitioning, hormones, surgeries, etc., are not requirements. On the flip side, if you want these things, take the journey of discovery. Either way, you are valid. Being trans is not a choice, but the process of reaching that place where you feel aligned within yourself — that’s a choice. That’s a beautiful choice. Your journey is yours just as my journey is mine. Don’t allow someone to dictate their expectations of your alignment experience. Be who you are and love it. You’ve got one shot at this — don’t waste it on anybody else.
