LGBTQIA+
Trans Talk: Those Pesky Pronouns
How I went from binary thinking to non-binary and they/them pronoun acceptance
I recently realized how comfortable they/them pronouns have become for me. When I first started questioning my gender, I knew that she/her didn’t sit — they didn’t feel right. He/him didn’t hit either, but they/them felt like I was trying too hard, or like, I was choosing not to fit in anywhere. They/them felt like no-man’s land (pun unintended but I’ll pay it). Was I ready to disappear? Did I want to?
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Don’t call me aunt, or girlfriend, or wife, or… Enter the non-binary He/them… They/him… They/them! Gender is confetti
Don’t call me aunt, or girlfriend, or wife, or…
I have lowkey always known that I hated femme-leaning terminology. I didn’t want to be called wife. God, I hated the word girlfriend. I didn’t even want to be called aunty by my niece when I was a teenager (or as I aged for that matter). All of those gendered titles just made me squirm. Of course, I look back now and see the signs, but at the time, I put it down to simply not liking the sound of the words — the phonaesthetics, if you will. Yes, I am aware of how ridiculous that sounds, now. I know, but what else did I have? I didn’t have any other reason. I needed to ‘blame’ something.
All of those gendered titles made me squirm.
When I began questioning my gender identity (and very quickly realized how awkward she/her felt, and that I was genderqueer), it all started to make sense for the first time. And then the scales tipped because before balance can be reached, there needs to be an overt force in the opposite direction — or so it seems. I mean, that’s physics, right? In my naturally learned existence of binary, I told myself, “Okay, so if I’m not she/her, I must be he/him.”
And, you got it… that didn’t feel right either. Still, I tried to make it fit, because I was either he/him, or I was mistaken. Right? I know, I know. NOW, I know. But at the time, I was trying so hard to make sense to myself, let alone sense to everyone else. Try as I may, I just couldn’t make he/him fit, which of course, fed right back into that old well-known trans community beast known as ‘imposter syndrome.’ If I wasn’t he/him, I clearly wasn’t trans! Throw in a little confusion about sexuality and gender identity and it’s no wonder I was stuck in binary thinking.
I was such a silly little possum.
Imposter syndrome: If I wasn’t he/him, I clearly wasn’t trans! Silly possom.
Enter the non-binary
It was through throwing myself into education that I really began to understand the beautiful and encompassing concept of leaving the binary behind and embracing my non-binary truth. Below are just some of the ways I spent the next few months in the pursuit of understanding (and holding back that pesky imposter syndrome):
Extensive research
- YouTube (Jamie Raines, Noah Finnce, Jackson Bird, Sam Collins, Ty Turner, Chase Ross, Dr Z)
- Documentaries (Disclosure, Brandon Teena, Transhood, Louis Theroux: Transgender Kids)
- Academic peer-reviewed papers (yes, scientific research!)
Clearly, not all of this research was positive and I purposely encompassed a range of views including de-transitioning YouTubers. Having said that, I wish I could get back the minutes of my life wasted on the Louis Theroux disaster — a cautionary tale for all!
Trans community events
- The Utah Trans Fesitval online
- Online discussion through The Shed in Melbourne
- Online trans-masc discussion meeting
- A trans identity gathering through my uni
The Utah Trans Festival was my first official pride event — the first in which I participated. My involvement was as an author and it was a wonderful experience.
Therapy
- Rainbow Door in Melbourne
- Trans-masc non-binary gender therapist
Rainbow door set me up with my first therapist at no cost — amazing! But I found I needed someone who understood on a deeper level so I went in search of a gender therapist. When I came across a therapist who specialized in gender AND listed themself as non-binary, it was a done deal. To find out in our third session that he is trans-masc (pronouns he/they) was a game-changer!
TikTok
- Support
- Encouragement
- Understanding
A year ago, I would not have expected TikTok to be included here as one of the most important tools for embracing my non-binary identity. The algorithm clocked me as trans and queer in about 30 seconds and the connections I’ve made are pure and long-term.
He/them… They/him… They/them!
At first, the idea of they/them pronouns seemed distant to me. I didn’t want to be they/them. I wanted to know my place, I wanted to know the box that I would fit in. Of course, now I look back and realize that I was just trying to know the box that everybody else would fit me into. I had a conversation with my gender therapist about they/them pronouns and non-binary identity, many months ago; around the time we first started working together. I told him that they/them and non-binary felt like no-man’s land (and I’m pretty sure I made the pun joke then too because what can I say? I’m a nerd). I told him it felt like nothingness. It felt like I didn’t fit anywhere.
They/them and non-binary felt like no-man’s land. It felt like nothingness. It felt like I didn’t fit anywhere.
But the truth was, I’ve never fit anywhere. And that’s okay. I’m not supposed to. Nobody is supposed to fit anywhere except for within themselves and nobody can fit within themselves if they’re trying to tick somebody else’s boxes. So began my play with they/them pronouns and the non-binary concept. I began to explore.
I started with he/them even though ‘he’ still didn’t feel comfortable; I was holding tightly to that assumption that I needed to fit into a box. Shortly after, I tried they/him and that felt a little more comfortable but I was still holding on to that concept of needing a place. Though he/him were uncomfortable, at least it felt like something. It wasn’t the comfort of they/them pronouns that prompted my eventual shift but rather, the lack of discomfort remaining once I dropped all gendered pronouns.
It wasn’t the comfort of they/them pronouns but rather, the lack of discomfort once I dropped gendered pronouns.
Gender is Confetti
I find it funny that it is only now that I’ve begun my medical transition with Hormone Replacement Therapy that I’m fully able to embrace that I am, in fact, absolutely, completely, unabashedly, non-binary. I do not fit on either end of the spectrum. I don’t have a definitive label — agender, gender apathetic, gender void… If you need one, call me genderqueer because that’s probably the most encompassing umbrella term penned thus far. I also like that it was the first gender identity label I assigned myself, so it feels somehow satisfying to completely embrace the indifference.
If you need a label, call me genderqueer.
And that’s really freeing. Being non-binary is not no man’s land. It’s not, ‘nothing’. To me, it’s everything. There is no box to tick for gender, except on forms that were created by people that needed to control others for their own benefit. There is no box for the human experience. I do not fit into a box. I never have and I never will. And I’m finally embracing that.
I am non-binary. My pronouns are they/them, and for the first time, I really love that. Perhaps now I can even consider the exploration of neopronouns.
There is no box for the human experience. I do not fit into a box. I never have and I never will.
