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Trans Ask: My Newly Out Trans Friend is Unbearable
Why are they making being trans their whole identity?
Disclaimer: I completely stole the idea for this article and even the title from my friend and fellow author, Kristy Westaway, with her permission and because it was too good to not.
The strangest thing happened at the start of this year: seemingly out of nowhere (but boy, do we now know that’s a farcical statement if ever there was one), I was hit with the full-body slam of a gender identity crisis. Wait, crisis is too harsh a word, perhaps I should say I was hit with a gender identity conundrum.
It’s a classic tale, really. Raised by a narcissist under the tutelage that my very existence was only to serve and obey, I became the perfect figment of my mother’s imagination. Classic tale, right? I became the mask she created because I knew no other way, nor that there was one.
But something inside us always knows our truth, even when we can’t quite see it ourselves. I’ve always written stories and my characters became my outlet of personal exploration and eventually, personal victory. Twelve years of character development and personal development (which turned out to be the same damn thing — man, I could have saved myself so much money if I figured that out earlier) finally gave me the crack I needed to start reaching for myself.
I quit the family corporation. That’s a nice way of saying I yeeted the bloods. That’s a nice way of saying I finally put myself first and removed myself from a toxic situation. That’s a nice way of saying, I dumped my crap and the family with it. Everyone thinks that’s an easy thing to do. Only those that have reached that breaking point themselves will understand how difficult it was.
And that’s when it happened. Almost in the same moment that I put myself first and realized that for the first time in my life, I didn’t have any expectation on me to be anyone but who I truly am, the mask of creation broke away and I was left with… my conundrum.
It’s been a hell of a journey since then, one that shall continue, but I am here for it.
Now, back to Kristy’s article because the funny thing is that we have both been on the journey of self-discovery. We’ve watched each other grow and flourish, stumble and scream, get back up again, and push forward. Our journeys are so utterly different, and yet, they are exactly the same because we are each on the journey to ourselves.
In Kristy’s article, she talks through the Kübler-Ross Five Stages of Grief model. I’m going to follow her format because we’re doing a thing here. Make sure you check out her article too. It’s right here:
Denial — I would have always known!
Can you really be in your 40’s and suddenly realize you are transgender? Ah, yes, yes you can. Of course, at the start, I got stuck on the narrative that I would have known as a child. But here’s the problem — did I? I have few memories before my teenage years and the mask I wore was so complete that I can’t say for certain that I didn’t know. Photos tell an interesting tale. Oh, there is a whole article to be written just about this but I’m keeping it short here. “Don’t be silly,” is a triggering phrase that comes to mind.
Anger — Why didn’t I know this was a thing?
I knew a transgender woman when I was a teenager. She left school and tried to return a few years later post-medical transition. Her reception was nothing short of traumatic. That was my experience. Oh, and there is the little matter of the words: “That makes sense that he would want to be a woman, he wouldn’t want to be gay.” I know those aren’t the exact words I overheard (though I absolutely remember the misgendering), but the message is clear — transition is a ‘cure’ for homosexuality. Maybe if I had been attracted to the same sex, I wouldn’t have had this silly rhetoric stuck in my mind. I didn’t know I could be ‘straight’ (ew, wash it off) prior to transition and still be trans. My transgender language was non-existent and so was my understanding.
Bargaining — I’m a trans man, wait…
I’ve discovered it is a pretty common occurrence for transgender individuals, and particularly those that sit outside of the binary, to go to the extreme opposite of the gender binary and then ease their way back until they find a comfortable position. Trans man didn’t fit, but at the beginning of my journey, I was yet to embrace the possibilities outside of the binary. If I am not woman, I must be man, right? Oh, thank goodness I know better now!
Depression — Imposter syndrome
What the hell am I doing? Transgender people are the most marginalized group even within the LGBTQAI+ community. They have higher murder rates. Higher suicide rates. It’s not a choice, I know that, so what the hell gives me the right to think I’m strong enough to be one of ‘them’? I’ve gone this long, knowing something was wrong, but I was ok, wasn’t I? I didn’t think I’d live this long anyway. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I doing this? Why can’t I just… not?
Acceptance — Who am I?
By the very definition of transgender versus cisgender, I can't deny which I am and I no longer wish to because I’ve denied myself my entire life. Who am I? I don’t know, and that’s okay. How cool that now, I get to find out. How cool that now, I know that I can be who I want and there are medical options to finally look how I feel. No longer do I need to ‘accept’ that I just don’t fit in with my own existence. No longer do I need to live in a space of complete dissociation. What a relief.
Wow, that was an experience. Just thinking through those aspects of grief was cathartic. I recommend giving it a try. I have had a lot to grieve this year though it’s strangely satisfying to know I was only grieving the loss of perception and beliefs — nothing real. I grieved the loss of the idea that I could ever receive unconditional love from my own mother. I know the feeling of unconditional love now because I receive it from strangers on a daily basis. I grieved the loss of the simplicity of life because embracing my trans identity means certain challenges like complete strangers telling me I’m an abomination — yep, it happened on Medium!
But you know, I celebrated more than I grieved. I celebrated releasing myself from the expectations of others. I celebrated finding a community that took me in and loved me without question. I celebrated finding so many people like me when I thought I was so alone. I celebrated new characters through which to find myself. I celebrated small steps like cutting my hair, coloring it blue, and getting a lip piercing — omg, they’re like the transgender calling signs but I’ve wanted to color my hair blue and pierce my lip since I was a teen. Perhaps I didn’t because I was waiting.
Being transgender is something to be celebrated because it is the discovery of self and embracing your truth. Not everyone has the strength to defy societal expectations and allow themselves to be truly happy. Though there is still a long way to go (more so in some countries than others), the world is beginning to change for the better. Now is the time to find yourself. Trans, cis, queer, straight, it doesn’t matter — only you can find yourself and the first step is to know that your happiness IS the most important thing. Anyone who expects you to put their happiness before your own has stepped off the path of finding themselves. It’s not your job to climb off and help them find their way back. If it makes you happy to do so, reach out, offer your hand, but stay true and strong on your own path. And likewise, never, ever expect someone else to get off their path for any reason, especially if you choose not to step onto your own.
Kristy is ADHD personified. I am transgender personified. I’m what they refer to as a baby-trans. Does that make Kristy a baby-AD? It doesn't even matter. Together, we would probably be intolerable to most but we both get it. We are both finding ourselves and we enjoy each other’s discoveries.
So, if you have a friend who is a baby-trans and they won’t shut up about it, take a moment to think how strong they are. What have they gone through to be able to embrace their truth so deeply? And remember that you must be pretty special too if they trusted you to walk the journey with them.
Want to read more about my gender journey? Begin here with ‘From Vanilla to the Rainbow Pool.’
Find out more about the author at their ABOUT ME here.
