MENTAL HEALTH
ADHD Ask: My Recently Diagnosed Friend Is Unbearable!
Why are they making ADHD their whole identity!?
“Sorry I’m late, I was hyper-fixating on a TV show!”
“It’s been 3 hours!”
“I have ADHD! You can’t be mad at me.”
I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 39. That’s 34 years of consciously thinking that I was a complete screw-up, and just not trying hard enough. At least, that’s the message that I was given.
My parents kept all of my school reports. That’s 12 years of “could do better” and “if she could apply herself” for me to read through over and over. As much as I want to say that the opinions of others don’t affect me, it was 12 years of key people in my life reinforcing the idea that I was at fault. My failings were because I was the problem.
My son was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6. I recognized myself in his behaviors. When filling in his assessments, I was also keeping track of the questions in my mind, assessing myself.
As per usual, I failed that test.
My greatest hope is that my son was diagnosed and helped before he could believe his behaviors were his truth. Not only to prevent him from falling into a negative self-perception but also to avoid him from having to reconcile the loss of who he is.
Grief is, essentially, the emotion resulting from a loss. While the Kübler-Ross Five Stages of Grief model is outdated, it is still popular and useful in explaining what people can be going through. Late diagnosis ADHD adults often struggle with a type of grief that is difficult to explain to those ‘on the outside.
Denial — I don’t have mental health problems!
I was raised in a family where mental health issues were both VERY central, and at the same time, not often talked about. I was at school in the 80s and 90s; mental health wasn’t a thing that people spoke about yet. Subsequently, I didn’t entertain the idea of a mental health disorder at all. My mess-ups were just my laziness, I wasn’t the type to have a mental health problem.
Anger — Why didn’t anyone pick up on this earlier?
While my parents may have had concerns or suspicions about me, they didn’t have the support, or the money, to follow that up. I understand, but also I can’t help a tiny kernel of anger from forming. Why did I have to wait until I was almost 40 to be shown this part of myself? I had parents, doctors, teachers; they were supposed to help me, so why didn’t they?
Bargaining — Who could I have been?
This was the if only stage. If I had been diagnosed and helped when I was a child, how different would I be? Who is my best self? It sure doesn’t feel like who I am. Even though I have the validation of knowing that there is a mental disorder at fault, who could I have been and what could I have achieved in my life?
Depression — Why should I even bother?
This is me. I don’t just have ADHD, I am ADHD. I am clearly broken. There is no point bothering to try and better myself. I have tried for 40 years to be a better version of me. I have tried to be the acceptable version, the expected version. If this version of me isn’t enough for people, why should I care anymore? Why does an excuse like ADHD give me the right to have been SO useless all these years…
Acceptance — I have to live with this; how can I help myself?
Deep breath. There is a good thing about knowing you have a mental health disorder. You can choose to get help. Medication, counseling, an ADHD Coach; there are lots of options. You don’t have to do this on your own anymore. You don’t have to struggle against a tide that everyone else is swimming with. Identify the areas of concern. If I am late to something, it’s low-consequence. If I forget to take my son to an appointment, that’s another story. Figure out what are the priorities and work on them. Small steps in the right direction; it all counts.
These aren’t meant to be excuses. There is no excuse for using a mental health disorder as a crutch. But it may not be that. To have your self-perception upheaved in this way, it completely rocks your self-identity.
Before, you might have thought that you were often late because you were so careless, so lazy. Now that you have a diagnosis, you know that you are late due to ADHD. While this doesn’t excuse you from trying your best and implementing strategies to avoid this happening, there is a period of adjustment when you lean into the disorder.
It’s almost a comfort, knowing that instead of having tried your best and still failed, something else was at fault. So your friend might keep mentioning ADHD, and blaming their actions and behaviors on it, but this is the first time in their life where they are not the problem.
Please cut them some slack, I promise that they haven’t had people do that often in their life.
© Kristy Westaway 2021
