LGBTQIA+
Starting T Really Doesn’t Feel Like A Decision
The safety barriers I created
Therapy Time
It’s that time of the fortnight again. I flip my laptop to tablet mode because the genius who created it put the camera at the bottom of the screen and that’s just awkward. I find the starred email, click the zoom link, and then I wait. I can’t help but smile when their face fills the screen, not just because, let’s face it, I have a bit of a crush on them, but also because I’ve been approved to start testosterone and I have a bit to unpack before the next step. After the standard pleasantries including my usual weirdness that presents itself this time as an insistence that something about him is different but I don’t know what (did he cut his hair?), I share what happened this week:
- My bloodwork was fine and I was approved for T
- I had an epiphany on the back of our last session that I don’t need to search for clues, it was always just me (more on that in another article)
- I landed a 6-month pet-sit and for reasons, I was able to be honest with the homeowner about my transgender status
It was a big fortnight.
They do that thing where they look up and to my left — seeking an intuitive question to ask. Of course, my Gender Therapist (who henceforth shall be known as GT because that’s cute and so is he, and btw, their pronouns are they/he) never lets me down and goes straight (pun unintended but I’ll take it and the lolz) for the jugular.
“How do you feel about being approved for T?”
I make a few noises and movements; shrugs, whimpers, you know, the normal stuff. I admit to GT that I almost, almost thought… (no, not almost, it was definitely a thought) that it would be so much easier if something in my blood work precluded me from starting T, at least for now. At least that way, I didn’t have to make a decision and I couldn’t be blamed for making the wrong one.
Yep, I heard myself say it and GT wasn’t going to let me get away with that one too easily. And so began the first level of unpacking.
Level 1: “I didn’t have a choice.”
Oh, the blame game is strong in this one. In therapy, whenever we hit on some kind of hurdle, barrier, annoying belief, whatever you want to call it, my very helpful brain shoots me an often seemingly unrelated memory. I say seemingly unrelated because, without fail, it tracks! This time, it sent me the story of when I almost did my Ph.D., but didn’t, because, ‘someone else’s fault’.
The story itself doesn’t matter as much as the fact that I could claim that I didn’t have a choice. The choice was taken away from me, so it wasn’t my fault. I would have done my Ph.D., but this thing happened that I had no control over. Really?
That’s when I admit to GT that I feel like I’ve said, “I didn’t have a choice,” a hell of a lot in my lifetime.
Level complete.
“Do you often find barriers to avoid decisions?”
Yes, GT. Yes, I do. Sigh.
Someone who is not me: “What do you want for lunch?” Me: “I don’t care, what do you want?”
I didn’t do it to be annoying (though I know it was), I did it because I felt like inevitably, whatever I suggested, would be met with, “Yeah, I don’t want that, how about this?” And so, whatever I suggested was ignored. What a waste of time. If I’m going to be vetoed, why not just jump straight to their decision?
Level 2: “I always make the wrong choice.”
And then the flashbacks hit. Thanks, GT. I mean that both sincerely and sarcastically.
“Oh, don’t be silly,” said the mother. So often. So very often. Cringe. Trigger. The worst part is I mostly heard this line in regard to how I felt and what I said I wanted — so, I learned very early that whatever I felt and wanted was silly. So, I stopped feeling and wanting. Decisions are difficult when you can’t weigh how they feel or what you want. Huh! So barriers were my way to avoid that.
I tell GT that I feel like going on T is inevitable but there is still the fear of the repercussions and consequences (of being wrong). I confide that I feel like I’m speeding through the whole process of discovery.
Level complete.
“Why do you feel like you are in such a rush?”
I know I can slow down but I don’t want to. GT laughs at that and points out that going slow is not my style. He’s got that right. Oh my god, I love that smile. You’re killing me, GT.
To clarify for those playing along at home (because GT knows — he just gets me — sigh — omg, I need to stop crushing on GT), as a writer, I research like a beast. In the not-even-a-year since I became aware that I am definitely NOT cis, I have read books and articles (yes, scholarly articles and peer-reviewed to boot — good uni student!), watched documentaries and movies, attended talks, talked to trans people, and of course, threw myself at a gender therapist (no, I haven’t quite done that yet — I have some restraint).
I have packed in years, perhaps even decades, of education and awareness because, and this is the part I share with GT — I’m a late-bloomer, I need to catch up.
Level 3: “I’m trying to catch up to where I should be.”
I’m learning about myself and my transgender identity at break-neck speed. I’ve gone through many labels, trying them on, and I know I’m definitely on the non-binary spectrum (and therefore, trans by definition). That’s enough for now and to be honest, that doesn’t matter. What matters is working out how I want to be perceived and even more importantly, what I want to see in the mirror. I’ve always loved vampires, always wanted to be one — perhaps because they don’t have a reflection.
I tell GT that I see younger people and though I’m not jealous (I’m really damn proud that they have the awareness and the language available to them that I never did — hmmm, level 1 reminder to self), there is a part of me that wonders how different things would have been had I been able to explore my truth earlier. I tell GT that I don’t want to waste more time wondering.
“You said that it’s inevitable.”
Oh, he heard that? Cool. Yeah, me too. *slow breath out.*
I admit to GT that I feel, like, this pull towards T, like my body wants it, craves it. Like, it’s the thing that was missing all along, but not in a ‘fix-it’ way, more of a hormonal-imbalance-craving-what-I-need way. Funny that I’ve always had issues with hormonal balance and iron levels. Even my doctor said T would ‘fix’ (I’m careful of using that word), my years-long iron depletion issue.
Starting T really doesn’t feel like a decision as much as an acceptance. It’s an acceptance of everything to come after it — consequences. Whatever they may be. Some may be negative, but when I think about what changes it will bring, I begin to smile.
GT smiles back. Damn it, dude. I can’t handle that smile. Killing me. Killing me.
Level complete.
Interested in my gender journey and exploration so far? It’s been a rollercoaster! I’ve gathered my gender articles, thoughts, and gender-specific fiction in a list: Gendering Questioning and Stumbling Blocks. Enjoy.
