LGBTQIA

Trans Freak-Out

HRT 11th-hour existential crisis and imposter syndrome

It’s right there. Just — there! Teasing me. Wanting me and I know I want it (don’t I?) and yet… I’m just watching it. What the hell is that all about?

Today I had my third appointment with the gender clinic and I was given a prescription for Testogel. I didn’t wait, I went straight to the pharmacy and had it filled. I got back to the hotel I am staying at (because reasons), I read the entire pamphlet, and I primed the pump as directed. And then… nothing.

I mean, it does say to do it at the same time every day, and I think I’d prefer to do it after my morning shower.

I’d like to enter excuse Exhibit A into evidence.

Plus, it’s a stupid date to have as my t-day birthday. I mean, wouldn’t the 1st be better, or even my real birthday — that’s soon. I have a bad memory so I need to make it easy to remember.

I’d like to enter into evidence, Excuse Exhibit B.

Is this feeling of uncertainty and doubt just a sign that I was wrong all along? Has all of this just been a distraction? Was this never real? Am I not really even part of the community? Am I just a vanilla cis-het running from myself?

I’d like to call Imposter Syndrome to the stand.

I feel sick. Physically ill. I feel like I’ve forgotten everything I’ve learned over the past nine months and I can feel myself curling back up into that tight ball of anxiety. I can feel myself reverting back into the safety of the known. But I can’t forget. I know too much now.

I thought I had worked through this final step already in my previous therapy session:

But alas, suddenly I have a bottle in front of me — a tangible, and it’s all too damn real.

I needed reassurance so, I messaged a trans-masculine friend:

Me: Can’t I ask you a babytrans question?

Him: Of course.

Me: … I got my Testogel and then proceeded to have an existential crisis. I’m basically staring at the bottle and blanking on existence.

Him: Oh, yes, that’s 100% normal.

Phew. Ok. But I needed more. One of my besties is a gay man (let’s call him A). I’ve known A for thirteen years and we are such a ridiculous reflection of each other that this is how my coming out to him went:

Me: Hey, remember how you always used to say I was a gay man in a woman’s body

A: Yeah

Me: You may not have been wrong

A: I knew it!

So last night, in personal crisis mode, I sent him a photo of the Testogel bottle with the caption:

Me: So this happened today.

Followed by:

Me: Well, it became a thing, but I haven’t done a thing.

His response was not what I expected:

A: What made you decide that? I mean, it’s good for you if it's what you want.

Now, I know, that’s a great response on the surface, but on reflection, I expected him to have the excitement that I didn’t feel. I wanted him to reflect the excitement that I knew was bubbling under the surface but wasn’t quite breaking free. Of course, that’s silly for so many reasons. The main one being that we are such perfect reflections of each other that of course, he reflected back to me exactly what I was feeling rather than what I wished I was feeling.

It’s good for you if it's what you want

Is it what I want?

Despite Imposter Syndrome having a field day, I can logic myself around this, somewhat. It would seem that my doubt is evidence that I should step off this path, but I’ve learned too much to believe that to be true. My doubt is the lovechild of fear and uncertainty, it has nothing to do with intuition or want. In the past nine months of diligent research, I have given ample time to both sides of the coin. Yes, I wanted to know the experience of those choosing to medically transition, but so too did I want to know about the experience of de-transitioners.

Here’s what I learned

Every de-transitioner I’ve heard (specifically those who realized they were not trans-masc after all) has said emphatically that they were completely certain of their decision when they started T. They had no doubts. Most say they cannot regret their decision because of that certainty. Please keep in mind I am not stating facts or statistics here, just my personal experience of viewing videos and documentaries of de-transitioners sharing their stories. On the other side of the coin, I sat in on an online discussion with a group of trans-masculine people to talk about starting T and every single person on T said they weren’t sure when they started. The common thought was that they weren’t sure until after they started. One of them even said their doctor told them they’d be more worried if they were certain. I’ve heard this same narrative from most trans-masc people. Even without my own dilemma, it’s an interesting topic.

What I haven’t heard, was the narrative of having the meds right there, staring at them, and not taking them because existential crisis and imposter syndrome, but that’s why I’m writing this. After checking in with a few more trans-masc friends, it turns out, this isn’t such an uncommon thing after all. This isn’t just me!

These are the things I want to share on this journey because we all have our own experiences and often, we think we are alone, but rarely is any experience completely unique.

Excuse me while I deconstruct

I’m still firmly within my pre-T freak-out, but now I don’t feel so terribly shaken by it. It’s part of the process. It’s okay to slow down, reflect, and reconnect with that inner peace that already knows who I am. For now… I am pre-T. I have another therapy session soon. Thank goodness for that!