SPORTS
Jackson Mahomes Claims He Will Sexually Assault Women Just to Get a Shot in The NFL
Big Brained Moves
Athletes attempt to earn their spot in the NFL through hard work and persistence. One man chose a loophole that might get him hired in the big leagues.
Social media influencer Jackson Mahomes found a “creative” way to secure a spot on an NFL team. Surprisingly, it’s not begging his superstar quarterback brother Kermit the Frog/Patrick Mahomes to get him a spot on the team. It’s by committing crimes.
After months of hard work and perseverance, Jackson finally got arrested. This attracted the attention from the Cleveland Browns, who planned to sign him to their roster full of criminals.
While Browns owner Jimmy Haslem was getting the paperwork in order, we reached out to Jackson. The influencer formerly known as TikTok Boy used up his one phone call in jail to respond.
“The media is out to destroy my life! They portray me as an entitled brat who is out to assault women for fun. How dare they showcase my actions to the world!
“Let me be clear. I am NOT doing this for fun. I’m doing this to get a job! If I get into enough petty fights and force myself on enough women, I’ll be hired as a backup quarterback in the league! Getting paid to let Aaron Rodgers do all the work is a dream come true!
“Cleveland Browns signed rapist Deshaun Watson to a $250 million guaranteed contract. Pittsburgh Steelers signed quarterback Ben Rapistburger for 17 years. Even wide receiver Antonio Brown got multiple opportunities despite all his entitled bullshit and sexual assault! Despite his crimes, Brown is still a popular candidate for president of the United States!
“So what if I threw cold water on Baltimore Raven fans for no reason? So what if I do TikTok dances on dead athlete’s memorials? So what if I fight back against bar owners and bartenders just because their service wasn’t on par with the expectations of the brother of an elite athlete? So what if I forcibly kissed a woman without her consent? What I’ve done is a fraction of what Brown, Watson, and Rapistburger has done! Yet, they played in the league DESPITE their sex assault accusations.
“So where’s my football career, huh? If treating peons like shit is what it takes to be in the NFL, then I’ll assault every woman in the world! I’m not a rapist. I’m a hustler.
“I will write as many negative Yelp reviews on innocent bars as possible until the NFL hands me a contract. To all you woman and bar owners scared of my actions, suck it up. You all survived a global pandemic, you all can survive my ego.”
We asked Jackson why he couldn’t ask his brother Patrick to get him a spot. Jackson scoffed.
“I’ve always been under the shadow of my brother’s greatness. No one cared about what I did. I scored two touchdowns on my junior varsity team, no one batted an eye. Patrick threw a flea flicker and scored one measly touchdown in the varsity team, and people lost their minds!
“I’ve tried so hard to catch up to him. I even gave up football just so I can be a legend in basketball. But I didn’t have a chance! Patrick kept on widening the gap between us in our athletic achievements! Now, he’s the face of the NFL!
“I want to be better than Patrick! I want the respect he earned! I want to do things my way! But I’m running out of time! I need to be better than him faster! Only then will my dad finally say he’s proud of me!”
We asked Jackson what team he wants to join. Jackson expressed desire to join the Dallas Cowboys. Since Patrick is the quarterback of the Washington Commanders, Jackson said he wants to join the team’s lifelong rival so that he can beat his brother at his own game.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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