SPORTS, BUSINESS
LeBron James Vows to Liberate Trademark “Taco Tuesday” to Placate His Sworn Enemy Hong Kong With the Gift of Free Speech
LeBraveHeart
The savior of Cleveland’s basketball has set his sights on a bigger goal: to never “shut up and dribble.”
The self-proclaimed “King of Basketball” surprisingly went against the monarchy in his latest campaign for free speech. LeBron James has recently joined forces with the world’s largest export in chemically-induced diarrhea: Taco Bell.
With the bootlegged Mexican food company by his side, James vowed to liberate a trademark that will free all family-owned taco trucks from the pressures of multinational capitalistic greed.
James brushed his honest Abe Lincoln beard before he began his speech.
“Two scores and one year ago, our founding fathers of the phase ‘Taco Tuesday’ filed a trademark to profit from this phrase. This has birthed a cultural revolution in America, where families can bond over their love of tacos on the worst day of the week. It’s that little hard shell of refried beans that gives us strength to survive whatever may come.
“The founding fathers, who go by the name of Gregory’s Bar, have owned this trademark since 1982. Every time a small restaurant, a family owned business, or a neighborhood gathering utters the phase, he/she will have to pay Gregory’s Bar royalties. My family, personally, have suffered from this financial pressure when we promoted our taco nights on Instagram during a Tuesday night.
“I may be a billionaire, but I simply cannot allow this greed to continue. I have never associated myself with Gregory’s Bar, but I’m still forced to pay them a dollar every time I utter the phase. This financial hardship will destroy my family of $5 a month if I continue with honoring my Mexican heritage.
“I tried to file the trademark ‘Taco Tuesday’ myself, but was denied. I, too, wanted to profit from the phase I loved so much. Now that I can’t, I have no choice but to fight the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office and liberate this phrase for everyone to use.
“Taco Tuesdays’ create opportunities that bring people together in so many ways, and it’s a celebration that nobody should own. I will join forces with my brothers in Mexican cuisine to start a new ad campaign called ‘Taco Bleep.’ We will protest Gregory’s Bar for holding this trademark. We urge them to release it so that America can use this free speech without repercussions.
“Taco Bell. Let Freedom Ring.”
James’s eloquent speech drew praises among the masses. Particularly those with the biggest asses. Their derrières are so huge that Charles Barkley would think they are the ladies of San Antonio.
We reached out to James’s PR agent, Rich Paul, on his thoughts. Paul laughed.
“You honestly think James cares about free speech? This is just a political ploy! A genius chess move!”
We asked Paul how it was genius that James tried to liberate a trademark to the public domain. James came across as salty because he did this only after being denied to file the trademark himself.
“James isn’t doing this because he’s butthurt. Petty, yes. He tried to get an ESPN reporter Michelle Beadle fired because she mocked him televising his decision to sign with the Miami Heat. Amazing that one of the greatest athletes alive can’t even take a joke. Dude’s so sensitive that he makes Kevin Durant Tweet clap backs look like Marcus Aurelius quotes.
“While it’s clear James is salty for not getting the trademark himself, that is second to the reason why he promoted this campaign. James is trying to appease his greatest enemy. Not Paul Pierce. Not DeShaun Stevenson. Not Michelle Beadle. Hong Kong.
“James made Hong Kong an enemy when he criticized General Manager Daryl Morey for supporting Hong Kong rights in public. As James has many business endeavors in China, the king feared he would lose his billionaire status if he spoke out in favor of human rights. Turns out there are times when the humanitarian will shut up and dribble.
“James’s dismissal of Hong Kong’s suffering has him blacklisted from the city. All 7.3 million citizens reviewed bombed his movie Space Jam: A New Legacy, causing this movie to bomb at the box office. The Razzie Awards awarded James the Worst Actor of the Year in 2021. Frankly, James should have won that award every year since 2003 due to his flopping on court.
“James lost so much money and image recognition that he now has to placate these citizens. Of course, James can’t speak out against China. His ties run deep with the communist region. He continues to assist the country’s basketball league by sending it his American teammates if they fail to improve on the Los Angeles Lakers.
“But James needs to support Hong Kong’s right to free speech without publicly backstabbing China. Hence why he’s supporting the liberation of ‘Taco Tuesday.’ If successful, James will gift everyone, including Hong Kong, an English phrase he/she can utter without financial or physical retaliation.
“How smart is our King James? He is supporting the free speech movement without publicly saying it! Taco Tuesday is more than just a holiday. It’s a phrase to be free from dictatorship!”
Paul then left to help James trademark “Taco Bleep” so the king can profit on his liberation movement.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
UPDATE: Taco John’s, a subsidiary of Gregory’s Bar, gave up its Taco Tuesday trademark on July 19, 2023. Praise our glorious Chinese King James!
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