SPORTS
Sports “Analyst” Kendrick Perkins Slams NBA Legend Larry Bird for Not Surpassing Expectations
“White Man Can’t Jump”
The last thing people want after a hard day’s work is to think. Hence why ESPN stopped broadcasting sports analysis.
Despite ESPN only living up to the entertainment part of their name, we don’t blame them for milking in on this cash cow. Some may be annoyed at this brain-dead reality drama, where grown men are riding on athletes’ dicks and creating shit storms out of silent farts. For others, it’s more entertaining than watching the Charlotte Hornets play professional basketball.
ESPN gave birth to thousands of jobs. Primarily cause their “analysts” spend 90 minutes yelling at each other about whether Michael Jordan’s balls are bigger than LeBron James’s. Legendary ESPN entertainers Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless proved that it is possible to make a career out of riling up audiences with raised voices, outrageous takes, and quotes from Malcolm X.
Despite the blueprint these pioneers laid out, they are still other “analysts” who can’t replicate the “troll patrol” successfully. Case in point, the “Speaker of Truth” Kendrick Perkins.
The 2014 Shaqtin Tha Fool MVP lived up to his title with another outrageous take on 80's basketball legend Larry Bird. We tuned into First Take to witness his “debate” with anchor Stephen A. Smith.
Kendrick Perkins
When we talk about the legends of basketball, when did the goal post move? Cause I always thought the legend would win multiple MVPs, win multiple championships, take his team to the 1st seed multiple times, lead the league in scoring multiple times.
So we got these legends of basketball who deserved this honor. Michael Jordan, LeBron James, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Shaquille O’Neal, Tim Duncan, Magic Johnson, Hakeem Olajuwon, Wilt Chamberlain, Larry Bird. So that’s a nice list. But I’m wondering. Why is Larry Legend on that list?
As a former Boston Celtics player, I mean no disrespect to Bird. But I am a speaker of TRUTH. A speaker of TRUTH has no friends! I ain’t here to make friends. Else, I’d have spent my entire career playing with LeBron James!
But you look at the three times Bird won the MVP. He never won the scoring champion title in ANY of those years! He didn’t win the scoring title at all! How can he be a legend if he can’t do what Detroit Pistons reject Adrian Dantley did?
Saying this pains me greatly. Bird was incredibly well rounded. He could score. He could pass. He could rebound. He could trash talk so well that he could turn Kevin Garnett into Big Baby.
But Bird wasn’t a legend. He wasn’t as athletic as Jordan. Bird had to coast on the talents of Kevin McHale and Robert Parish to win three rings. But what if Bird COULD have improved his athleticism and genetic talent through a simple trick?
Before I reveal this trick, let’s take a step back and look at all the candidates who are in contention for greatest of all time. Every one of them had a weakness. Jordan couldn’t pass as well as Magic. O’Neal couldn’t shoot as well as Jordan. Magic couldn’t rebound as well as Abdul-Jabbar. James couldn’t trash talk as well as Garnett. Garnett couldn’t love China as much as James.
Despite their Achilles heels, they all were able to compensate by shaving their heads. These guys trained so hard that they went bald.
These men are fixated on basketball so much that they don’t want their hair getting in the way. Hell, even Tim Duncan and Kobe Bryant went fully shaved as their career progressed. And they got insanely better! This proves you need to be smooth to ball.
Hell, even I shaved my head when I played for the Celtics. I took this game too seriously! It’s why I was guaranteed a starting job on the Oklahoma City Thunder! Even though I moved like a hippopotamus on crutches.
But look at Bird’s career. Throughout his entire arc, he was content looking like a middle-aged lesbian. His curly puffs showed that he never took the game of basketball seriously. He would tell his opponents that he felt like scoring 40 that night, and do exactly that in 3 quarters. Only 40? Why stop there? What was stopping him from promising 60? Or Black Mamba 80? I’ll tell you what held him back. HIS HAIR!
Bird put up legendary numbers despite coasting in the professional leagues. If he shaved his head, it would have indicated that he took the game of basketball seriously! Bird could have won 8 more rings if he just went to the barber!
Had Bird shaved his head, he could have been the human equivalent of the one-punch man! By not going bald, Bird did a disservice to us! Man could have been better than Michael Jordan, but chose to be the next Kendrick Perkins!
Shame on Bird for not giving the fans what we want! Shame on him for not being the GOAT.
Stephen A. Smith
Now, this is just BLASPHEMOUS. Ain’t no sane person think that hair makes a player more skillful. You gonna sit here and tell me that La-VAR BALL is better than Bird because he’s BALD? Stay off the WEED!
You’re just picking on Bird because he’s the only white athlete listed. Why can’t you just admire greatness? Race has nothing to do with talent.
Kendrick Perkins.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Thanks for reading!
If you desire black comedy and political humor, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.
If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to binge all my content in one day, subscribe to me.
Seriously. Please follow me. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.