TECHNOLOGY, BUSINESS, RELIGION, POLITICS
Old, Senile Politicians Finally Understand Technology After Big Tech CEOs Convert It to A Religion
Adam and Steve [Jobs]
Christians believed that after death, they’d be welcomed at the pearly gates. Turns out it’s nothing more than the smile of ex-Microsoft CEO Bill Gates.
Gates banded with other Big Tech CEOs to create a new religion: Technology. The prophet Gates will judge whether people can be accepted high up in the cloud. Followers can win his acceptance if they dress up as Jeffrey Epstein.
That’s right. A “religious” prophet visited Epstein Island one time too many. This angered ex-Roman Catholic priest John Geoghan, who lamented on not visiting the island himself. Geoghan angrily attacked Epstein for giving free vacation trips to a billionaire instead of a poor “servant of God” like himself.
We reached out to Gates, who denied doing anything inappropriate on the island.
“I went to Epstein Island for market research. I want Microsoft to profit from the niche pedophile market. Why else would Microsoft Bing hire R.Kelly to endorse its product?”
We pivoted and asked Gates if he created a religion just to make more money. This question made Gates chuckle so hard that he called his pals ex-Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos and Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg to join in on the fun. Bezos phoned in from his mega yacht. Zuckerberg was not present on Earth, so his Metaverse avatar filled in.
Bezos replied.
“Politicians are annoying Big Tech CEOs to no end. They want to regulate our tech, but don’t know how it works.
- Senator Orrin Hatch asked Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg how Facebook makes money from its free service. Zuckerberg responded “Senator…we run ads.”
- Senator Lindsey Graham asked Zuckerberg if he has a monopoly on free speech because Twitter was the same as Facebook. Zuckerberg countered that he didn’t create Twitter.
- Representative Steve King asked Google CEO Sundar Pichai how his daughter got pictures of himself while playing a game on her iPhone. Pichai stated he couldn’t comment because iPhones are made by Apple.
- Representative Gregg Steube asked Pichai why Google is conspiring against Republicans by sending their campaign emails to spam filter. Pichai stated that spam filters are set up by the users. He later apologized to Steube for revealing that his followers think he’s full of shit.
“I have to fly for 5 hours on my private jet from Seattle to Washington and drop $1000 on the finest Louis Vuitton suit just so I can spend 24 hours teaching old geezers how Google works. I’d rather use that time to whip my warehouse slaves.
“If I wanted to waste a whole weekend entertaining old geezers, I would have worked as a stripper. I’m jacked enough to start my journey as a gigolo. I’m bald enough to pass off as Johnny Simms!
“Since I fired myself from Amazon, I might as well start this new endeavor.”
Zuckerberg cut in.
“These old boomers are too dumb to adapt to the modern world. To bring them up to speed, we speak in their outdated language: religion.
“Why waste a month teaching elderly how to use a search engine when we can waste a decade recruiting them to our religion Technology? It’s just like Scientology. They’re both spiritual beliefs that are nothing about tech or science!
“Technology says there’s one God who created all technical advancements. He is a generous soul who seeks to improve humanity through complex tools that no one can build on their own. God designated his prophets to spread his teachings and tools. We know these prophets as the Big Tech 5.
“The Big Tech 5 are smart enough to build and fix such tools. Worst case, they can seek out God for advice on his home turf: the cloud.”
Bezos chimed in.
“Filing technology as a religion has a major perk: tax exemption. We can list our technology companies as churches and not pay taxes! That should get me enough money to dismantle Rotterdam’s historic bridge to make way for my mega-yacht!”
Zuckerberg beamed.
“Boomers will think twice about regulating technology. They are afraid of angering the Tech God so much that they won’t get into heaven. Or worse, the Tech God cuts off their Internet. How else would they spread misinformation to their families?”
We asked Zuckerberg if creating a religion will attract con artists who use the Tech God’s name in vain.
- Elizabeth Holmes defrauded defrauded investors into thinking her company Theranos can detect diseases from small amounts of blood. Even though Thernos was as accurate as Jim Crammer picking stocks.
- Sam Bankman-Fried for defrauded investors into thinking his crypto exchange platform FTX wasn’t a ponzi scheme. To avoid jail time, he promised to pay back investors with another form of unregulated tokens: assault weapons.
- Trevor Milton defrauded investors into thinking his company Nikola produced incredible electric trucks. He admitted he lied to to drive up the stock price. Milton has damaged inventor Nikola Tesla’s name so much that people thought his name was Thomas Edison.
Zuckerberg shrugged.
“I’m not too worried about these snake oil salesmen. They just discovered religion late, and just want the crumbs of the monetary pie. Props to them for their hustling mindset.
“The people who stand to make billions from the slices are the founders like us. Why else would Scientology creator L. Ron Hubbard state that creating a religion is an easy get-rich-quick scheme?
“As long as we keep the religion going, we’ll be rich for years to come. Then, investors won’t complain if I decide to burn another billion to create the impossible Metaverse.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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