POLITICS, FINANCE
Elizabeth Warren Now Praises Her Enemy Donald Trump for His Bank Deregulation Law After Bank Collapse Eliminated Student Loan Debt
Don’t need to pay off loans if your loan shark is dead
If you can’t pay off your debts, pray to God that your loan shark will die. Then, you no longer owe money to anyone.
This big brained strategy convinced Democrat Senator Elisabeth Warren to change her tune following Silicon Valley Bank’s collapse on March 23, 2023. Warren took to Twitter to respond.
“I originally pushed back against Donald Trump’s bank deregulation law in 2018. This law put strict regulations on small to mid-sized banks so that they will have enough liquidity to withstand future financial disasters. We did this because these novices are too dumb to understand risks.
“These newbies thought the secret to successful entrepreneurship is taking risks. But high risks equals high danger. They could have avoided the 2008 financial crisis if they focused on handing out loans to people who can pay them back instead of people who can’t afford to live in a cardboard box in New York!
“We wanted to prevent another financial crisis from banks assuming that the only qualification of a loan is when you turned 18. Or when you’re sexually undesirable in R. Kelly’s eyes.
“We pleaded with Trump to keep this law. The banks are ‘too big to fail’, as their huge impact in the economy can trigger a recession. Trump called us dimwits for ‘misunderstanding’ the phase. In Trump’s logic, banks are too big to even fail.
“Coupled with the Republican’s horniness to strip federal government intervention, Trump removed these federal bank limits so that any bank can take huge risks to become as rich as Trump. If these small to mid sized banks really wanted to reach a market cap of a trillion dollars, they would have better luck drinking Trump’s urine.
“Silicon Valley Bank (SVB) then promoted risky financial investments and short-term bonds to increase investment. Even though they didn’t have enough cash to pay depositors. Once interest rates on loans and bonds skyrocketed, depositors withdrew their cash. SVB collapsed after it couldn’t liquidate enough to buy Twitter in cash.”
Warren paused, then mused.
“Wait a minute, so if startups and businesses couldn’t reclaim their funding, then what about students? They needed to access details of how much is left from their student loans. If SVB collapsed, did they eliminate all student loan debt?”
Warren clasped her hands.
“Of course! Why would you want to shell out $60,000 per year at Duke University just to learn that the earth is flat? You give thousands to a multi-millionaire who owns Duke, and you still have little to no shot at becoming an NBA superstar like Kyrie Irving!
“Now students can get the free education Democrats have preached for. They can easily learn from Duke that the world is flat! Screw privatized, for-profit universities! Education should be equal for all! Education should be communist!
“Was Trump helping the Democrats all this time? It’s not far fetched, given he used to be one in the 1990s. Furthermore, the Democrat Party was funding his presidential campaign after Republicans backed Ron DeSantis. Perhaps the party paid Trump to get rid of student debt.
“This is the first time I can confidently say that Trump has surpassed Biden. Biden’s approach eliminated at least $20k student debt per person. Trump’s approach eliminates all student debt per person. Trump has saved humanity!”
Warren’s praises triggered the emotions of MAGA snowflakes. Many are angry that Trump gave free handouts to “entitled millennials.” Tucker Carlson went on air to blast Trump for aiding the liberals.
We reached out to Trump, who was angry about the consequences of his actions.
“How dare a Republican help a Democrat! This is the biggest betrayal to the GOP since Stormy Daniels exposed my affair with her!
“Of course, I take no responsibility for this mistake. I blame this error on past Donald Trump!”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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