POLITICS
Mike Lindell Announces New Pillow To Help Sleep Through His Ridiculous Conspiracy Theories
Sleeper Hit
Fox News was playing checkers when it came to promoting conspiracy theories. My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell was playing chess when he did the same.
Lindell dropped a new infomercial on a state-of-the-art product that the nation needed 3 years earlier.
“Hi! I’m Mike Lindell. You all know me as the crackpot who spread wild conspiracy theories about the ‘stolen election’ during 2020.
“I had proof of the election being stolen. But not anymore. My proof was stolen by the tooth fairy! She incinerated ballots of conservative voters while collecting their teeth! Why do you think many Republicans are old boomers with dentures?
“Even Bigfoot helped in rigging the presidential election! I even have proof of Bigfoot breaking into homes and ripping up ballots, but the dog ate my evidence. Just like Trump’s election win, I can no longer prove Bigfoot’s existence.
“But I digress. The world was annoyed by my barrage of lies. Even the US Supreme Court found Dominion Voting Systems acceptable to sue me for defamation! How dare SCOTUS turns its back on us! We voted the reds in court and THIS is how they repay us? These RINOs are so immoral that they would legalize child pornography. Oh wait…
“Regardless, I need money to fund my upcoming lawsuit against Dominion. Clearly, I can’t win! Fox News had to pay them three-fourths of a billion dollars PLUS the contract to Tucker Carlson! My net worth can’t even afford to hire Carlson for 10 minutes of airtime!
“To appease Dominion Voting Systems, I’ve created a new product called My Conspiracy Pillow! Just buy this and you’ll be able to sleep through any nonsense conspiracy theories I promote!
“But wait, wouldn’t it be easier for me to stop spreading lies? I’m a MAGA Republican. Lying is what I do to make money! I need to promote false narratives to keep myself relevant.
“Plus, I was a former cocaine drug addict. I’m addicted to things that make people appear crazy on the outside. I can’t stop lying, even if I wanted to.
“With My Conspiracy Pillow, you call can sleep through all my lies. You can still let me make millions from lying in public while believing that Dominion Voting Systems did nothing wrong. This is a win-win!
“So come on down! We will produce enough pillows to build a wall on the US-Mexico boarder! This is guaranteed to keep out all migrants! No need to waste taxpayer dollars flying them to Martha’s Vineyard, Greg Abbott!”
To increase sales, Lindell partnered with Donald Trump for a unique promotion. The first 1,000,000 supporters who buy My Conspiracy Pillow will win a case of Trump Golden Ice.
“Look, I failed multiple businesses in my lifetime. I was so depressed by my failures that I numbed my pain through cocaine. Now, I found a new product that is healthier to control my mental turmoil: Trump’s urine.
“Trump’s piss product, Trump Golden Ice, is guaranteed to make you rich!
“After drinking it every day, I suddenly had the power to abandon cocaine and start a pillow company! What can I say? I love all things white! No wonder I identify as MAGA.
“If you buy My Conspiracy Pillow, you can get a free case of Trump Golden Ice. Now YOU can become as rich as me through sleeping!”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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