SPORTS
Zion Williamson Demands Trade From New Orleans Pelicans After Organization Failed To Trade For Aging Point Guard Kyle Lowry
Superstar demands getting more ridiculous
In the NBA, you can choose either a chance at hundreds of millions of dollars or a chance of winning a ring. If you’re a superstar, you can have your cake and eat it too.
The NBA all-star method to getting rings and money is simple.
- Sign a max or super max with the team you hate.
- One year into the 4–5 year deal, demand a trade.
- Refuse to train with teammates until the organization gives in.
This foolproof method has worked for stars Kawhi Leonard and Anthony Davis. Star Kevin Durant tried to follow this blueprint, but failed to win a ring because he spent his free time arguing with Kevin Garnett on Twitter.
All-Stars Kyrie Irving and Ben Simmons tried sitting out in order to get a supermax from another team, but failed because they forgot they needed to do something in order for teams to justify giving them the max: play games.
Now, a new star is trying a similar tactic: Zion Williamson.
NBA Insider Chris Haynes of TNT dropped this bombshell report, claiming that Williamson demanded a trade from his team the New Orleans Pelicans. Haynes reported that Williamson was angry that the Pelicans allowed the Internet to fat-shame him while he was recovering from injury. Williamson’s weight ballooned so much that he broke the hoop backboard just by hopping on the court.
What’s even more shocking was that NBA insider Adrian Wojnarowski of ESPN published a report contradicting Haynes’s claims. Wojnarowski stated that Baby Shaq — do do do do do — approached the Pelicans, voicing his displeasure with how they’re controlling his love for food. Williamson stated that if things don’t improve, he would request a trade to a team that accepts him eating $150 million dollars worth of peanuts.
We followed up with Haynes on why he would hit the send button too soon. Haynes scoffed.
“Please. Sports journalism is not about how accurate our stories are. It’s about how fast we can spread the latest rumor, gossip, or scoop. Being speedy is well known by everyone not named Williamson.
“Furthermore, I’m not a journalist. I’m the player’s reporter. I report what they told me or how they feel. I did the same for my buddy Chris Paul when I reported on his release that never happened. I get this out early, I screw over the organization that is trying to screw over my homie.
“I’m the player’s G. I’m against organizations treating their players like cattle. If Williamson wants to leave the NBA for competitive eating, that’s his prerogative.”
We reached out to Williamson on why he wants to compete with Ja Morant on being the biggest 2019 draft disappointment. Williamson rolled his eyes.
“Please, Morant is escaping the NBA to get into the hood. I’m escaping the NBA to get into competitive eating. We are not the same.
“I’m frustrated with the New Orleans Pelicans’s commitment to winning. I have no plans to get back in shape if they keep on making boneheaded decisions. How on earth do you not trade for Toronto Raptors point guard Kyle Lowry when he was available? Dude won a championship the year I was drafted! This is a sign from God that we need to be teammates!
“If the organization doesn’t want a veteran champion to help us out, then I have no desire to put aside my Cheetos for the sake of this team.”
We asked Williamson why he badly wanted Lowry when the New Orleans Pelicans already had a star guard in C.J. McCollum.
“McCollum, is great, but he has a tiny ass. Lowry has a big booty. I love big butts and I cannot lie.
“I’m a simple man. I see a humongous ass, I wanna eat it like groceries.
“It’s why I exclusively date 200 lb porn stars. Half of their weight is made up of silicon. I know the world is shocked that I, a multi-millionaire, settle for women with daddy issues. I even got stripper Akeema pregnant! But my heart wants what my stomach wants. Big is better!”
Williamson shook his head.
“That being said, I shouldn’t have made her pregnancy public. I now pissed off my side pieces Moriah Mills and Yami Taylor . These porn stars are mad that I chose to settle with Akeema instead of them. As a million dollar Christian, I can’t have my mother of children fuck other dudes for money. Akeema at least had the class to rub her ass cheeks in other dudes’s faces.
“I don’t know why Mills is posting daily tweets about my kinky escapades with her. It’s been 2 weeks and she still hasn’t stopped posting. On the bright side, now everyone knows about her adult film career. Her videos on PornHub spiked following her Twitter beef with me. Mills claimed she’s still mad about me, but she should be grateful that a God like me gave her a bit of my fame.”
Williamson paused.
“But I digress. I see Lowry’s booty. It got me in a trance. I want that piece here in New Orleans. I’m gonna wrestle and beat that booty so hard that the fans will call me Gumbo Slice.”
Williamson then excused himself to furiously text porn star Pinky to send him nudes of her showering herself with Mountain Dew.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Thanks for reading!
If you desire black comedy and political humor, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.
If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to binge all my content in one day, subscribe to me.
Seriously. Please follow me. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.