ENTERTAINMENT
Brad Pitt Slammed for Sending Adopted Daughter Britney Spears Back For Adoption
One man’s treasure is the same man’s trash
It was about two years ago when actor Brad Pitt adopted singer Britney Spears, as he desired more underprivileged children. Now, he’s having a change of heart.
Pitt was slammed by fans of the 41-year-old pop singer for returning her in the same way customers would return a defective product via Amazon Shipping. Some fans claimed the actor was misogynistic for returning a girl he no longer found dateable.
Pitt took to his preferred social media MySpace to address concerns.
“Anyone who knows me is aware that I am a loving parent who would do anything for his children. Even if it means verbally abusing them under the guise of my alcoholism.
“I truly loved Britney Spears as if she was my daughter. I’m 18 years older than her. I could have been her dad straight from high school.
“That being said, if you love something, you set it free. It has been a struggle to parent her in the last two years. Given my demanding work schedule and her mental health issues, I am no longer fit to parent her.”
We reached out to Pitt why he was putting Spears back up for adoption.
“Ever since Spears was freed from her conversatorship, she’s been acting paranoid. She’s so afraid that someone is out to get her, and has been stockpiling knives in self defense. Doesn’t she know she lives in America? She could stockpile on guns. They’re more efficient than knives!
“I turned to her husband Sam Asghari for help on Spears recreating Knives Out. Instead, Asghari filed for divorce from Spears. He said her volatility, abuse, alleged cheating, and knife hurling convinced him to file for divorce.
“I thought I could parent Spears myself. I’m a celebrity. I can do anything! But her insane mood swings had me fear for my life. I now see why Angelina Jolie left my drunk ass.
“The last straw was when Spears accused a security guard of French basketball superstar Victor Wembanyama of physical violence. However, TMZ video footage showed that nothing happened. The guard didn’t even know who it was because Spears approached a celebrity from behind! If a random fan did that to Spears, she would throw a knife at him!
“The guard just shushed her away and accidently knocked her sunglasses. There was no violence whatsoever. Spears just overreacted because she couldn’t get an autograph. Now, she’s taking to Instagram and making a big deal out of nothing. I haven’t seen a bigger meltdown since Maui.”
Pitt hung his head and scratched at a fresh wound on his neck. One that was inflicted by Spears.
“I was so afraid that she’d spiral back into her 2005 public meltdown, that I reached out to my team of medical professionals. Ultimately, they advised me that it was best to re-home Spears. I am no longer fit to take care of this Bullseye wannabe.”
We asked Pitt if returning a lemon was a cruel punishment. We pulled up tweets from fans, who blasted him for using the pop singer for Internet clout.
“Pitt is just like those gross social media family influencers! Myka Stauffer and her husband adopted an autistic toddler from China in 2017. They claimed they wanted to raise him, but gave him up to another family 3 years later. Clearly, they’re not losing sleep on the 5.5 million viewers and 160,000 subscribers they accumulated following this adoption.
“Pitt just wanted to use Spears’s struggles for improving his image. No wonder Jolie left his toxic ass!”
“Pitt should have thought about his capabilities BEFORE signing up to parent a disabled child. He KNEW what he was getting into with Spears! Yet, he abandons her on the smallest hint of adversity! Pitt is once again abusing his children.”
“Spears isn’t a pet to parade among your rich socialite friends! Spears is a HUMAN! If you weren’t in position to take care of her, you should have let someone else do it! Now, she’s going to her third family in two years! Her marriage to Kevin Federline lasted longer!”
Pitt shed a tear that rolled down on his face so deep that we thought a river ran through it.
“This was a difficult decision. I wasn’t going to abandon Spears on the first sign of trouble. I only abandon projects that do a 180 of what I was promised.
“Furthermore, my priority isn’t raising a 41-year-old woman. It’s raising my 15-year old French twins Knox Léon Jolie-Pitt and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt. I want them to embrace their culture and idolize French superstar Wembanyama. Spears’s actions is hurting their growth and development.
“I could tolerate Spears throwing weapons at me. But I draw the line when she badmouthed the French superstar. I didn’t sign up for her to shit talk the French. The French have lost every war in history. You don’t bully a victim when they’ve been hurt enough.”
Pitt also decided to apologize to Wembanyama by adopting him as part of the Jolie-Pitt family.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now
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