POLITICS, TECHNOLOGY, BUSINESS
Donald Trump Becomes World’s First Trillionaire After Selling NFTs of His Urine
Su-pee-man
To all the MAGA morons who were scammed by companies who advertised Trump Bucks as legal tender. You can now recoup your losses by getting scammed by the ex-president himself.
The MAGA morons have been duped by external companies into buying thousands of dollars worth of Donald Trump novelty items/currency. An Alabama woman proudly declared her sound investment strategy when she tried selling her tokens to banks for cash.
“All them libtards told me to drop $2,000 in cryptocurrency. These fools really thought the value of fake money would rise ten-fold in a matter of months? That’s a bunch of caddywampus.
“My mamma always said to get money advice from a finance expert. That’s why I dropped $2,000 in Trump bucks. A random company told me that my investment in this fake currency will rise a thousand-fold in a matter of months. I reckon they were tellin’ the truth as it had Trump’s name on it.
“Trump is the only finance guru I trust. He wants us real American patriots to get rich. That’s why he generously sold us his pee so we can consume his DNA.
“Y’all gonna feel really silly for not getting in on this. Cause when Trump overturns the 2020 election, this fake currency will rise a million-fold!”
When the bank told this woman that these Trump Bucks are not legal tender and that she had been scammed, the woman’s jaw dropped.
“Oh, heavens to Betsy! There are some truly awful people who would take advantage of a sweet American like me. How cruel do y’all have to be to steal the identity of the greatest president of all time?
“Trump is a good Christian family man who never cheated on his wife with a porn star. He survived two impeachments, a sexual assault case, tons of bankruptcies, and a fraud lawsuit settlement! If this man can emerge from all these accusations unscathed, then he must be the son of God!”
The Alabama woman’s story caught the attention of Trump himself. He took to Truth Social to drop his newest announcement via video.
“I cannot believe that some poor dumb loser would impersonate an extraordinarily generous man like me! At least when I scam my supporters, I help them get rich and healthy. It’s why I re-released my urine as a COVID detox to protect those who were vaccinated against their will!
“I haven’t been this angry since some pathetic wimp decided to use MY NAME on their terrible cryptocurrency! Cryptocurrency is a SCAM against the dollar! The dollar has to be the currency of the world because it is American!
“I am SICK of con artists making money off MY brand! My brand is based on scamming idiots. If anyone is getting my supporter’s money, it should be ME! HOW DARE these lightweights steal what I stole!”
Trump then threw his half-eaten crayons on the floor.
“ I’ve just been indicted on 37 counts of stealing the nation’s secrets and not returning them. I need as much money as I can to fight the corrupt Biden administration in court!”
Trump paused, then shook his head.
“However, my struggles are nothing compared to what my supporters went through. I can survive being held accountable. They can’t survive being scammed. I’ll overlook my greed to help them survive financially. No, I won’t give them money. I’ll help them get their money back by promoting my cryptocurrency!
“I don’t have a crypto token. But I do have NFT trading cards. I released a bunch of artistic images of me drawn by some very talented individuals as people I could never become in real life: a superhero, a cowboy, an astronaut, and a successful businessman.
“I packaged these images as exclusive digital trading cards at $99 apiece, and sold out all 44,000 released images in 24 hours. I netted $4.5 million from the transactions! Now, people who bought my collections are reselling these useless JPEGS at 800 times the original price!
“I can’t create more NFTs of myself. I’m sorry, but it’s not my fault you didn’t get to my limited supply first. You snooze, you lose. But I will make new digital trading cards of my most successful product to date: my urine!
“Since 2021, I’ve been peeing in plastic one liter bottles just so my consumers can drink my urine and become rich through my DNA. This product, Trump Golden Ice, made me a billionaire overnight! Unfortunately, I’ve faced supply chain issues. I couldn’t drink enough water to meet the demand of Trump Golden Ice. This is because the water supply was poisoned in East Palestine, Ohio after that train derailment. I blame this disaster on Donald Trump!
“Furthermore, it’s not healthy for my kidneys to drink 100 liters per day. I had to retire for health reasons. I was forced to enlist help from the homeless in San Francisco so they piss in my packaged bottles instead of on the train. I’m the reason the BART trains smell cleaner post-COVID!
“However, I’m running out of homeless people for my supply! Where are these poor fucks? Is it because I screwed them over through my housing/zoning laws and lax COVID regulations? Did I accelerate their deaths/departure from San Francisco?
“Fortunately, I’m a successful businessman. I may have $1 billion in debts, but that’s cause the market is changing as much as crypto prices. I need to adapt with a new scam: Trump Golden Ice NFTs.
“To my followers, you winners have the great honor of spending your hard-earned money on this government-backed currency! No, the government never said it was legal tender. But I was president before, in 2017. So I was the government! If I say it’s legal, then it’s legal!
“You all can get rich trading these NFTs on the blockchain. The first 1,000 users who spend more than $1,000,000 on such items will get their own case of Trump Golden Ice that’s made by the homeless. If you go and spend $1,000,000,0000 on some shiny Trump Golden Ice NFTs, you’ll get an exclusive one liter bottle of MY own urine! I will personally see to it that you get as much as my DNA as possible!
“Only I can come up with this brilliant idea! OK, I stole it from Fart Jar girl Stephanie Matto. She couldn’t sell her farts at mass production anymore due to her gastrointestinal problems, so she found this clever idea to use NFTs and give her farts to those who paid more. I just made her idea better by putting TRUMP on it! I am extraordinarily smart!”
Trump dropped 50,000,000 of these Trump Golden Ice NFTs. They sold out within 48 hours. This shot Trump’s net worth to the moon, making him the world’s first trillionaire.
Trump now plans to use his wealth to hire a new legal team to represent him in court. Trump’s legal defense quit following proof that Trump stored classified documents of national security information in a bathroom in Mar-A-Largo. The lawyers told Trump that his claim of his “God-given right to read the nation’s secrets while pooping” wasn’t admissible in court.
With no other lawyers to step up, Trump turned to longtime friend Rudy Giuliani. Giuliani originally refused, claiming that Trump never paid him for the Four Seasons Total Landscaping fiasco. Giuliani later gave in after Trump vowed he’ll land Giuliani the starring role in Borat 3.
Motivated by his rejection on Borat 2, Giuliani set out to prove in court that Trump never stole classified documents in the first place.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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