ENTERTAINMENT
Hollywood Icon Brad Pitt Adopts Britney Spears
Pitt is down to adopt more underpriviledged kids
’90s pop icon Britney Spears has always wanted to date Brad Pitt, but he’s never been available. With the last of the adoption paperwork filed, she now finally gets to call him “daddy”.
This is a fortunate break for Spears, who has claimed that her conservatorship was restricting her freedom. Spears pleaded that she’s “sick of being taken advantage of” and called the conservatorship “state-sanctioned human trafficking” (or as Keith Raniere and Allison Mack would call it, a multi-level marketing scheme). Regardless, the judge dismissed Britney Spears’s request to release her from prison. We wondered if the judge had mixed up the decision for Britney Spears’s trial with that of Bill Cosby’s.
With Britney set to return to James Parnell Spears, fans are petitioning to release Britney from custody of her abusive father, outraged that the court decided that James has the right to run the conservatorship as he sees fit. However, her legal team was able to identify a loophole: she could change fathers to exit the conservatorship.
Britney is old enough to legally renounce James Spears as her guardian. She successfully made the case to the judge that her father wasn’t there for her 2007 meltdown, and that he neglected her before she found success as a pop star. The judge stripped James Spears of his title as Britney’s father, consequently kicking him off the conservatorship, but added that Britney needed to find a new guardian to replace her father as owner of the conservatorship.
Britney spent the next few days fielding death threats from her ex-father James Spears, as well as requests from suitors eager for a chance at her fortune. Following is a list of prominent figures who made their intentions to adopt Britney public:
- Matt Gaetz — The QAnon ring leader wanted to take a swing at a young love interest, but backed out after realizing that Britney was no longer a minor.
- Bill Cosby — Fresh from his prison release, Cosby hoped to recoup his fortune.
- The media.
- Pablo Escobar — After resurrecting himself from the grave to criticize Coca-Cola, the cocaine cowboy desired to distance his brand of cocaine further by attempting to partner with this Pepsi spokesperson.
- COVID-19 Delta — The latest rage among the American youth (and the newest bachelor of the second season of Corona’s Dating Show) made their intentions clear in adopting Britney: seducing a cultural icon to “add another one to the body count.”
- Elon Musk — The tech entrepreneur wanted to be Donald Trump so badly that he made a plan of adopting Britney just to engage in sexual relations with his own daughter.
- Narendra Modi — India’s part-time prime minister and full-time grim reaper needed access to Britney’s fortune, as his COVID relief package was cut off.
- Chris Crocker — Better known as the “Leave Britney Alone” guy, Crocker sought to gain custody of the pop star with the sole intent of dissolving the conservatorship. Unfortunately, he had to back out when the judge called him a “broke ass” and dismissed his application.
- Perez Hilton — The most annoying “journalist” to ever walk the planet wanted to continue shaming Britney without legal and financial repercussions.
Eventually, Britney selected Hollywood icon Brad Pitt to be her father. Pitt took to Twitter to announce his latest adoption.
“Britney Spears is a cultural icon who needs our help more than ever. I’ll gladly suspend my efforts to save the children of South Sudan to help buy her freedom. It’s the least I can do for Britney, who’s gifted us inspiring works of musical art.
Work Bitchis a classic.
“I’ve always wanted to adopt more underprivileged kids. Furthermore, my daughter Zahara’s birthday is coming up. She spent her preschool years dancing to
Baby One More Time. If I can gift her a sister like Britney Spears, I can redeem my alleged alcoholic, abusive father image.”
Not everyone was on board with Britney’s decision. A group of her loyal fans signed a petition to beg Madonna to adopt Britney.
“Madonna is the perfect guardian for Britney. Not only has she mentored and supported the pop star, but she also has parented more underprivileged children than Pitt. It’s unfortunate that the judge ruled that Britney’s father must identify as male. We urge Madonna to come out as gender fluid to simply circumvent the patriarchal ruling. We fans know the Queen of Pop better than she does, and we are more than capable of identifying her gender.”
We noticed this petition trending on Twitter with the hashtag #LoveConfusion.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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UPDATE: On September 29, 2021, Britney Spear’s father (Jamie Spears) has been suspended as as conservator. The conservatorship is still intact for Brad Pitt to hop on.
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UPDATE: On November 13, 2021, Britney Spear’s conservatorship has been dissolved.
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