ENTERTAINMENT, POLITICS
Ex-President George W Bush Generously Comes Out of Retirement to Teach Singers How to Dodge Hurled Objects
Duck Duck Boots
We already had one American leader get involved with a singer.
It’s only fitting that this trend continues.
While President Joe Biden wasted taxpayer dollars to hire a singer to not do the job he trained for, ex-President George W. Bush wasted his retirement to help singers complete the job they were trained for. Bush hoped that his mentoring singers how to duck projectile objects hurled by crowd members will shed his former brand of being the Dumbest Leader of the Free World.
To Dubious George’s credit, that label has been shed 12 years after he left office. Not because American citizens felt they judged him harshly. Because subsequent Republican president Donald Trump astonishingly set the bar of presidential decorum so low that it could only be crossed by girls paraded by Trump’s best friend Jeffrey Epstein.
Trump’s ineptitude at politics made Bush look like Abraham Lincoln in comparison. The difference is that Lincoln fought a war that was necessary for America.
We reached out to Bush on his new career switch.
“Ignoring Trump, I don’t know why I called the worst president of all time! I literally did nothing! I dumped all my responsibilities on my Vice President Dick Cheney. If anything, he’s the reason why we funded a war that went nowhere!
“How is it that I faced death threats every day for doing nothing? Clearly, I am the most efficient person to achieve notoriety. Osama bin Laden had to orchestrate complex suicide terrorist attacks on two American buildings just to achieve the same level of hatred as me!
“Even with my staunch patriotism and belief in freedom, I was still harassed. Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zaidi removed his shoes to hurl at me during my press conference in December 2008. Thanks to my training in American Ninja Warrior, I quickly ducked both his attempts.
Bush chuckled.
“Honestly, people always comment how big and buff I am. With my size and my reflexes, I should have been casted as Drax the Destroyer in Guardians of the Galaxy. My reflexes are too fast. I’m also considered a Destroyer. According to Iraqis, that is.”
Bush then paused.
“But I digress. I realize that the world can benefit tremendously from my reflex training. Especially famous singers. These celebrities have to perform a 2–3 hour show with the risk of getting attacked by audience members!
- Harry Styles had to cradle his head after being struck by an unknown object from a crowd member.
- Bebe Rexha had to get stitches after a fan threw a cell phone at her.
- Kelsea Ballerini was hit in the face with a bracelet during her performance.
- Cardi B had a drink hurled at her head. To her credit, she retaliated by throwing a microphone back at the assailant.
“Even Drake was hit with a cellphone when he performed on stage. Why didn’t people take the peaceful route and boo him off stage?
“Drake’s fans booed him off because they wanted Frank Ocean to show up instead. Why on earth did they want a downgrade? Did they learn nothing from Coachella?
“Given recent events, going from Drake to Frank Ocean is like going from Chef Jose Andres’s Oyamel Cocina Mexicana to Taco Bell. Or like going from me to Donald Trump. Given the events in 2017, we all prefer shittier products.
“Who knew fans are getting so violent with stage performers? Even Chris Rock was bitch slapped by Will Smith at the Oscars! This was so egregious that al-Qaeda hired Smith to be their spokesperson.
“It’s time I teach these celebrities how to avoid getting hit. My track record of dodging shoes and bullets like Neo Anderson from The Matrix speaks for itself.
“My presidency also supports my credentials. Yes, I did nothing and made Cheney do all the work. I was a lame duck. That’s why I’m good at ducking!”
We asked Bush how much he’ll charge the celebrities for this dodging projectile training. Bush stared at us.
“Crap! I forgot to study the market for my services!
“It’s ok. I’ll ask Cheney to do it. I’ll use the same price he charges for his hunting lessons.
“Maybe we should do a packaged deal. If people are afraid of Cheney’s shooting, they can at least protect themselves with my help.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now
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