POLITICS, MUSIC, ENVIRONMENT
President Joe Biden Furiously Yells at Staff for Letting Him Hire Singer Smokey Robinson to Not Sing
The origins of Dark Brandon
Only in America can a world leader go from a racist fat bitch to a senile grandpa — in the span of 8 years.
President Joe Biden once again made a gaffe that made his critics question his mental stability. For his supporters, this is on par with what Biden did in the past.
- Claimed the pandemic is over because people are no longer wearing masks. Who knew Biden never stepped foot in New York?
- Claimed he’ll honor the military for their “selfishness”, before correcting to “selflessness.” To be fair, Biden thought he was giving this speech at Abu Ghraib.
- Claimed the 2018 Parkland Florida shooting happened in 1918. Turns out the best way to celebrate the end World War I was to have a domestic mass shooting.
- Claimed that his energy plan would save voters $500 a month instead of $500 a year. Voters were angry at initially believing that an energy plan could help them combat inflation.
- Claimed Donald Trump was irresponsible for taking White House classified documents. Even though Biden did the same.
- Called Kamala Harris the President instead of the Vice President. This freaked out Harris, who smuggled herself into Mexico to avoid living in the USA.
- Called Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison as the “fella down under.” To be fair, it’s hard to remember a complex name like Scott Morrison.
- Claimed he’ll do his best to “honor the Holocaust”, before correcting to “honor the horrors of the Holocaust.” Had Biden not corrected himself, he would have won the 2020 election in a landslide by securing votes from all the Republicans.
We reached out to Biden on his ability to remember details. Biden got defensive.
“What’s the big deal about these minor mistakes? You rather I say the right thing all the time as opposed to saving the Earth? When did words speak louder than actions?
“Russia and Ukraine kickstarted a World War. Global warming is picking up. Wildfires are spreading like crazy! And all you care about is a bunch of malarky I said?”
We were confused at Biden’s anger. Especially since Biden forgot that Russia surrendered to Ukraine after the former accidentally blew up its capitol.
Nevertheless, we pivoted and asked Biden what he was doing to combat the Pacific Northwest Wildfires. Poor air quality from climate change and lightening burned 1 million acres in August 15, 2021. Residents tried to move to China for better air quality.
Biden starred at us.
“Why do you think I brought in Israel settlers? Washington D.C’s weather is so inconsistent! I brought them in so that they can moderate the weather!
“If they can make it rain at ease, they could put out the wildfires easily with their rain god power. I know it‘s ridiculous, but heck! Republicans put their faith in QAnon. Why should a Democrat get flake for backing a conspiracy theory?
“Turns out the Israel settlers can’t do jack shit! Now, they’ve occupied DC for themselves! This is the worst trade in the history of trades. Like ever.
“We need to go back to the basics. No one knows the dangers of climate change and wildfires. Heck, even Herschel Walker claims that climate change is racist because the world is dumping ‘bad air’ in Africa.
“We need to educate the public on this! That’s why I’ve enlisted Smokey Robinson for assistance. His prior involvement in environmental awareness will be perfect in raising awareness.
“Robinson’s bringing you a love that’s true. So get ready! Cause here he comes!”
We asked Biden when Robinson has ever supported the environment. Robinson has only supported causes to help children in poverty, adults battling AIDS, and people battling cancer.
“What are you talking about? Smokey Robinson was on the US Forest Service campaigns in 1944. The campaign literally says ‘Smokey Says — Care Will Prevent 9 out of 10 Forest Fires’ and ‘Only You Can Prevent Wildfires’. Smokey’s face has been on all these campaigns! We bought back Smokey Robinson so he can be the face of our new campaign to stop wildfires caused by gender reveal parties!”
We looked at Biden and asked if he was talking about Smokey the Bear.
“That’s what I’ve been saying this entire time! What did I say?”
We told Biden that he confused an animal mascot with a famous singer. Biden’s jaw dropped.
“Wait, what? I already spent taxpayer money to fund these campaigns! And I specifically told them to bring Smokey Robinson on board! Is that why they looked at me funny?
“How did no one correct me? Did we really waste millions of dollars just to make the green-eyed great negro the face of stopping wildfires? This spending is more wasteful than the Iraq War!”
Biden vowed to dismiss the campaign. Fox News caught ahold of the news and blasted Biden for not caring about the people of the Pacific North West.
Biden snapped by stating that he mistakingly hired Smokey Robinson when he thought he was hiring Smokey the Bear. Fox News then attacked Biden for perpetuating negative black stereotypes by confusing an African-American with a violent black bear. Fake news creator Candace Owens jumped on the network to rant that Biden is bringing back slavery through his wildfire prevention crusade.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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