It Isn’t Self-Care if You Feel Guilty

Redefine selfishness and set your own boundaries to look after yourself and your kids better.

It’s no surprise that we misjudge the definition of selfish. According to the Google dictionary, it means:

(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.

It also means seeking to get what you want at the expense of others. But where do we draw the line? Up until what point are the needs of others greater than our own? How can we set boundaries that suit everybody — ourselves included — when we are at mercy of others’ judgement against us?

For example, my 2-year-old seemed very inconvenienced by the fact I started taking him to daycare a few weeks ago. He hated being taken away from me, kicked and flapped his legs and arms as he cried out “mummy”, and begged for me to come back. Was it selfish of me to leave him at daycare? Of course not, but he probably felt that way at first, even if 2-year-olds don’t yet know the concept of selfishness.

Let’s dig into the reason why I decided to start taking him to daycare. If I said I needed to work and earn money in order to be able to afford a living, nobody would bat an eyelid, and might even pity me somewhat.

But what if I said I decided to take him to daycare so that I could do things for myself? Would this be selfish? Some might argue that it is.

Enter Guilt: No Matter What, It’s Selfish

No matter what you do and what choices you make, there will always be at least one person who thinks you’re being selfish. There will always be one who’s inconvenienced by your actions and who will let you know about it. It doesn't matter how much you try to please the majority, there is always one guilt-tripping you for your choices.

At which point do we decide that actually, they’re wrong, and we’re right? Why do we tend to feel so guilty all the time when all we want is a damn shower alone and to be able to do a few things that are solely catered towards us?

In the same way that someone might think I’m being selfish for sending my son to daycare so I can go to get my nails done, I am deciding that it is not. Because being selfish is subjective.

You are just as selfish as anyone else because it is others that make that judgement on you. Thus, everybody is selfish because everybody inconveniences someone, someday.

Ultimately, it is up to us to discard their judgement. It is up to us to ensure that we aren’t physically harming anybody, of course, but it is also up to us to ensure that our needs are met, too. Besides, nobody else is going to look after us.

If You Feel Guilty, You’re Doing It Wrong

I felt the need to announce on social media that I was getting my nails done on my son’s first morning at daycare. Because I felt guilty as hell and I needed validation. And I got it from friends and family. But I shouldn't have to do that because I genuinely do deserve some “me” time.

The pressure we put on ourselves especially as mothers to get everything right is tremendous. We simultaneously take on the needs of our children as our own, and we forget that they are separate entities to us and we still have our own.

I’m sure others can relate to my guilty feelings for sleep training my son; for not spotting his tongue-tie sooner; for letting him cry so I could finish washing my hair; for sending him to daycare.

In the same way that a mother should not have to feel guilty because she goes back to work, I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for wanting to get my nails done. Yet, somehow, we still question whether what we are doing is right. Why is that?

According to Healthline,

“Mom guilt has many origins, from personal insecurities to outside pressures from family, friends, social media, and other sources.”

Quite frankly, it’s to do with the expectations others set on us, that we sometimes also take on as our own. When we stop to evaluate whether those expectations are compatible with our lifestyle, we can work on that guilt.

Your Child Needs You To Be Happy

My ultimate motivator was the fact that to teach my son everything in life, I needed to boss life. That meant working on myself, my goals, my aspirations, my needs. If I was happy, I could teach him to be happy too. Fulfilling your own needs, though selfish on the surface to us as mothers, is actually the most selfless thing we can do for our kids.

We can look at the big picture. If we are always tired, stressed, and annoyed with ourselves, our children will learn to behave tired, stressed, and annoyed with themselves.

Maybe not when they’re young. But habits are learned through time. So while we spend so much time teaching our kids to eat their greens and be kind to others, we also need to teach them to maintain happiness. And what better way to teach than to simply practice it in front of them?

When we remind ourselves that our needs are just as important as our children’s (and we don’t laugh at that thought but genuinely take that on board), it becomes easier to let go of the deep-rooted guilt.

You Actually Deserve It

I’ve seen copious amounts of articles complaining about the husbands and the fathers who don’t seem to pull their weight at home or don’t take on the same load as mothers. I myself have also felt a pang of resentment towards my husband because he literally lives for what he wants to live for.

But it’s not his fault if I am unhappy with how things are going. I’ve learned that I simply deserve to do what I want as much as he does. And it isn’t up to him to do less of what he wants to match my state of unhappiness — it’s up to me to do more of what I want to match his state of happiness.

In the same way he can freely take himself upstairs to work whenever he wants, I decided to do this too — on 2 mornings a week when our son is at daycare. You may think that I don’t have the same freedom as my husband to do what I want, and that’s true — but as a stay-at-home mother, I made the free choice to focus my time and energy on bringing up our son full time. And when I decided I needed some time back (and that it was going to be beneficial for our son), I went and got it.

The only way you can let go of guilt is if you keep practicing the art of self-care.

Every change in routine is a habit to be broken and a habit to be built, over time. The more self-care we practice, the easier it will get. When we satisfy our own needs and desires, the more we will love ourselves, and the more we will love our kids (and everyone else).

Takeaway

We can, and we should look after ourselves more. I will continue to go and get my nails done because I know it’s a treat I deserve, and I will learn to let go of that guilt.

When you realise it is you who draws the line on what’s selfish and what is not, then it is much easier to shift that line, or erase it altogether.

And you’ll find that, as you do more for yourself, the more love you will radiate. Others will notice a big shift in you and want a piece of it for themselves too. When they ask what your big secret is and you tell them you simply do more of what you want, they may think it’s selfish, but that’s none of your business. Or they may decide that a little self-care goes a long way, and start taking care of themselves too.

Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love and motherhood. See more work like this.

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