I Am Your Trophy Wife
And I think I’ll be OK with that.
I was trying to calculate the upcoming expenses as I looked at my bank account balance and savings. They just didn’t add up.
I have more coming out than I do actual money, (not counting what’s tied up in ISAs — because you don’t touch what’s in ISAs). Inevitably, I’m going to have to ask my husband for money on top of what he already gives me to help cover them since I am a stay-at-home mother.
I wasn’t expecting the shock to the system it gives me to have to ask for money and then explain why. But then again, I’m a proud individual who has always tried to be independent in that regard, so it shouldn’t have surprised me when it made me feel inferior.
My Husband Gives Me Money To Spend
My husband puts a lot of money aside for us and I wouldn’t trust anyone more than him with money.
He doesn’t give me money to save, yet when he gives me my “allowance” each month, I still try to save at least 10%, because I’ve always saved.
Old habits die hard. But needs must, so I often find myself dipping back into those savings and spending on things we need, such as clothes. It pains me to do this because once again, I’m used to having a much more ambitious salary with a comfortable blanket of untouched savings.
Now, I know he’d be there for me if I absolutely needed cash to pay a ransom. I know he’ll bail me out if I ended up in jail. And let’s face it, those things aren’t going to happen.
But I like seeing my safety net increase because of the money I have earned.
Also, my priorities are not his, and he’s never, up until now, ever had a say in how I spend my money. He’s used to paying the utility bills and mortgage. Those are essentials. My role was and continues to be to make our house homey.
I want to be able to afford the kinds of things that we might dispute the importance of. For example, I think we need a new set of dining chairs, and the fact that the leg of one randomly snapped off as I was fixing the cover back on proved my point yesterday.
Two years ago, all I would’ve needed from him is to sit his a** on the new chairs and tell me they weren’t going to kill his back. He did not care what I purchased and preferred to have nothing to do with them. The home was my domain and I quite happily obliged since he paid for everything else.
Now, he cares very much because he ultimately has to pay at least a high proportion of what we buy.
He is happy and willing to spend on a decent set of chairs. But not without a conversation, and not with some discussions about the timeline and budget. This is new to me.
I do agree that it’s fair enough, though. We are financially comfortable but for a reason — we don’t just spend money every time we want and my husband meticulously calculates every expense down to the penny and saves the rest.
I’m just not accustomed to the lack of independence in this area of my life because I’ve had it since I left home. I guess I hadn’t considered that relying on my husband financially would require any sacrifices on my part other than giving up my job and looking after the children — which I don’t really consider sacrifices, but privileges, especially since I found my love for writing since.
I may sound really spoilt, and trust me, it makes me cringe too. But let’s not forget my point — I miss being able to get what I want without seeking anyone’s approval, especially financially.
And this was a hard truth to swallow because I wasn’t expecting it. When I found myself feeling like I had lost a little control over my decision-making, albeit only for the home, it made me feel like I had been demoted somehow.
This makes me seem like I’m ungrateful even though I really, really appreciate the position that I’m in of not needing to go back to work.
I Love Money, But How Much?
I know that an immediate solution to gaining financial freedom now would be to go back to work. This has been suggested to me so many times as if it was an obvious and easy choice.
I won’t do it. Because it would mean trading what I gave up my job for — my family — for the luxury of getting what I want for the house.
No — I will not trade my son for a new set of dining chairs. Because I know I am in the extremely lucky position where I don’t have to do it — and I will fully cherish this. I won’t fool myself into thinking that I’ll be better off if I have a little more financial control now by going back to the office and giving up my time for someone else’s goals.
If anything, it’ll be a waste of time and money considering we will have to pay the extortionate prices of daycare, which in the UK, costs an average of £263 (373$) per full week.
The feelings that I’m getting have no leg to stand on, so I have to kick my 5 AM anxiety in the teeth with a reality check.
Am I Your Trophy Wife?
It turns out, I have not been financially reliant on my husband since I left my job. I’ve actually been reliant on him ever since we moved in together, even if I’ve never admitted it.
My husband always paid the higher proportions of rent and bills because his salary was much higher. When we bought our home, he took care of the bills and the mortgage while I took care of the food and other day-to-day expenses that my salary could afford.
I should’ve seen this coming, quite frankly, because it made sense from the start that I’d stay home when our first child was born. It’s like I want the best of both worlds — to be the best stay-at-home mother with the perks of a successful career.
In fact, when I think about it, I already am living the dream, because I am kicking off my career as a writer. I just don’t have the millions in cash to prove my success just yet.
Right now, though, I want for nothing, which is most people’s goals, including my own.
I’m coming to the realization that I’ve simply been reluctant to accept this role because it makes me feel like I could be labeled as a trophy wife, and I don’t want to like it even though I might.
Accepting My New (Old) Role With Gratitude
I don’t like the aspect of relying on someone else almost wholeheartedly.
But I absolutely cherish everything else in my life that I have been blessed with — being a stay-at-home mother, not working an office job, spending so much time with my family and with myself.
I have an abundance of choices of classes I can go to, a social life I can keep up with, options for further study. I have been given time to explore my desires, my needs, my hobbies — and most importantly, the freedom to implement them, with support from my kick-a** husband.
Last but not least, I have grown to love myself and give myself time to really decide what I want, rather than just letting life lead my choices.
This all only happened when I came home full-time to look after my son and the noise stopped.
I am happy that we don’t have any struggles. The fact I worry about control more than money is only a sign that my problems are not that big.
I must focus on abundance. I remind myself once again, that there is so much to be thankful for, and my worries are not life-threatening.
Final Thoughts
I am not sure what value I can give to others with this piece because it was more for myself, just this once. Maybe that is the lesson — to really let yourself think and become aware of your feelings, and do what you need to feel good.
I’ll add that the little worries that consume us need not be trusted. I let myself become worried about my financial freedom because it symbolizes the role of a trophy wife I had not envisaged taking up because of its negative views.
I was imagining the world judging me when in actual fact, I was the one doing the judging.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to assume a role that wasn’t tailored to you. You can make your own role with your own rules. You can and you deserve to enjoy the perks of whatever role you choose guilt-free.
It is because I stayed at home that I discovered how therapeutic writing is to me. A lot of my work has helped me strengthen my own confidence and I want to help as many people to increase theirs.
I am excited about my future, but I’m more excited about my present because life is damn good. Life can always be better but it can never be enjoyed unless we enjoy each moment as it comes.
So, with this in mind, consider what you are currently battling and ask yourself, what do you want? When you start with that, you begin a process that will get it for you. But don’t forget — what you have today is partly thanks to the goals you achieved before. Don’t underestimate the power of genuine gratitude and practice it with care.
Sylvia Emokpae is passionate about self-love and motherhood. See more work like this.