I Don’t Want Any ENM Men Reaching Out on a Dating App

ENM guys are not for this girl.

My friend and I are laughing. She’s exploring online dating. She’s been divorced for years but stayed off the dating apps until now. She’s filling me in on her recent dates.

She’s meeting some nice guys.

Even if there hasn’t been a strong connection.

And she’s meeting some she would rather avoid.

“One of the guys I went out with wanted to meet me for coffee and I ended up paying for us,” says my friend.

“Really?” I say.

I’m surprised a guy wouldn’t buy a girl a cup of joe.

Until I hear the rest of the story.

“Yes,” she says. “And then when we were leaving, he asked me if I knew what an Ethical Non-Monogamous (ENM) relationship was.”

The coffee date is making more sense.

Not to diss a Java connection but this man was a pseudo dater. He wasn’t interested in a potential relationship or even a stereotypical date. He was seeking some relationship extracurriculars.

But he plays it off in true ENM fashion.

“It’s all legit,” he says. “My long-term partner and I are in an Ethical Non-Monogamous (ENM) relationship. We agree with it and we are open about being with other people.”

My friend doesn’t mince words.

She decides his directness mandates her own.

“Wow,” she says to the ENM man. “That’s kind of a far jump from coffee to sex.”

My friend is turned off.

She’s not interested in this guy. To be fair, it started when he wouldn’t buck up for coffee. I don’t blame her. She’s generous, kind, and looking for a good guy.

Cheapness soured the dating deal.

The Ethical Non-Monogamous killed it.

“Can you believe him?” she asks me. “I hadn’t heard of an Ethical Non-Monogamous relationship. Have you heard of it?”

“Yes,” I say. “And ENM men and women are on the dating apps.”

“That’s what my friend told me,” she says. “She said some of them even link their spouse’s online dating profile to prove they’ve both agreed to an ENM relationship.”

“A guy reached out to me,” I say. “ Last year when I jumped on a dating app only to immediately bounce off of it.”

“Really?” says my friend.

“His profile said he was happily married to the love of his life in an ENM relationship,” I say.

My friend and I both agree.

We want nothing to do with men like this.

“Here’s the thing,” I say. “Not only am I not into this, but you really can’t prove a lot of these men are actually in a consensually non-monogamous relationship or marriage.”

“I know,” says my friend. “I tried to look him up to see if I could find a spouse.”

“They could be saying it in case they are married and you find out,” I say. “A cheater who is making it appear as though they aren’t cheating.”

We talk a little more.

“I did think it was weird that he wouldn’t give me his last name before we met,” says my friend. “And that he wanted to meet for coffee twice.”

Two red flags.

A man acting anonymous and evasive.

And wanting even the second date to be a cup of coffee.

Neither of these things indicates a man looking to seriously meet someone. And I’m not talking about a guy looking for love or long-term. I’m talking about a guy who wants to date.

A man looking to have fun and meet a few nice people.

And potentially stumble upon something worthwhile.

I’m not talking about marriage.

I’m talking about a nice guy looking to meet a nice woman.

There’s nothing crazy about that. It’s normal and hopeful in the world of the not-yet-married, never-married, or the divorced. It’s what most in the dating pool are looking for through online dating and dating apps.

A good experience and a good person.

Even if the online date isn’t the ultimate match.

Even if there’s zero attraction.

I don’t want any ENM men reaching out to me on a dating app.

Especially, since I’m about to give online dating another try. I’m going to do it this time. I’m not going to do what I did last year. I’m not going to jump on a dating app, make a profile, panic, and then jump off.

I’m finally ready to date.

I’ve exercised the divorce demons that held me back.

My first post-divorce dating adventure and a nice guy helped me realize I do want someone in my life. Even if I have to move out of my comfort zone. Even if I have to ignore my preconceived online dating skepticism.

I’m ready to meet a few nice guys.

I’m ready to have fun.

I’m ready for the future.

But there is one thing I’m not ready for.

There is one thing I won’t be doing.

I won’t be meeting a man for coffee.

I will be looking for a guy who wants to go to lunch or dinner or for drinks. There’s something about a quick cup of joe that screams ‘vetting’ rather than dating.

Not just in the ENM world, but in dating in general.

It lacks an investment.

It says you’ve either been on so many dates or you’re so uninterested in finding love — that you’re not willing to invest yourself personally or monetarily. You’re going to do the least amount required to meet someone.

You’re going to put in minimal investment…

For maximum gain.

And like I said, I’m not interested.