How Do I Know if I Was in Love With the Guy I Was Dating?

People ask me if I think it was love or lust — here’s my answer.

We’re hanging out at my friend’s apartment late at night.

“You love each other,” she says.

Her words make me laugh. I look right at her and then I look at the guy I’ve been seeing for only a few weeks.

“It’s not called love,” I say. “It’s called lust.”

“Whatever,” she says.

A few days later she and I are alone.

“You guys love each other,” she says again.

“Again,” I say. “It’s not love, it’s lust.”

“I hang out with the two of you all the time,” she says. “You are crazy about each other. It’s love.”

I dismiss her words as I had before with a laugh.

Other people have asked me whether I was in love with him. It could be someone I know or someone who reads my work. They wonder if it is possible to fall in love in only 5 weeks.

I get it.

The world is curious about distinguishing love and lust.

It took my 5-week guy moving for me to decipher what I was feeling.

While he was here I didn’t give it much thought.

The attraction was crazy so I labeled it lust. It makes the most sense. Not to mention, why would anyone let themselves go there…love…when you knew there was an expiration date before you even began dating?

First, let me answer the question I’ve gotten most.

Do I think you can fall in love immediately or in weeks?

Yes…

With the mystery of love, anything is possible.

I have a friend who married her husband within three months. They have one of the best marriages I’ve seen. As they say, “Love is an enigma.” It’s not possible to wholly sum it up.

That’s why love is magical.

But did I think I fell in love with my 5-week guy?

No.

I thought I was wildly attracted to him. I thought I was having fun. I thought he was opening me up and making me realize I actually could love a man again.

I did love him as a person and a friend.

I dismissed the idea of ‘being in love’ with him.

As someone who has spent more than a decade in the counseling and research of love and relationships, I don’t necessarily subscribe to some of the hard and fast rules about how to know if you’re in love.

Why?

Because some things can also be confused with the initial rush of attraction/lust.

Someone is always in your thoughts. You can’t wait to see them. You make seeing them a priority. You want to know how they are feeling about you. You only have eyes for them. You’re euphoric.

Do I believe that’s the beginning of love?

Sure.

But it could also be an initial attraction that disappears with time, aka lust.

I’m more likely to subscribe to the much more generic theory.

“You just know.”

It’s back to the “Love is an enigma” thing.

It’s a combustion of emotional elements that drive something as powerful as ‘being in love’ with another person. It’s an unconscious transference when initial attraction (lust) becomes emotional, not just physical.

It’s a moment when something dramatically shifts.

And you just know.

I am in love with this person.

That’s when it becomes more consuming. You want to know everything about this person. You want to share everything about yourself. You feel better about who you are when you are together. You love everything about them. You feel safe with them.

Your feelings only intensify with time.

You want them and only them.

You want their happiness.

It’s all a part of the package.

Last night I was out with friends. I met a new guy who was sharing some of his angst with us. He broke up with a woman a month ago. I could feel his pain.

One of the guys we were with started asking him questions.

I was impressed because they were excellent healthy relationship questions.

But in the end, he focused on just one.

“Did she make you feel like a kid again?” he asked.

“No,” said my new friend.

“That’s all I need to hear,” he said. “Move on.”

Of course, that is also something that is ‘traditionally’ associated with falling in love. You’ve probably heard people say, “They make me feel like a teenager again.”

It’s attributed to the joy and carefree feeling of finding the one.

The giddiness and fun.

A month ago I said goodbye to my 5-week guy.

It took him moving for me to figure out how I felt about him. While he was here the idea of being in love with him seemed like crazy talk. When he left, I was convinced that I loved him as a person and a friend.

He made me believe I could love someone again.

But I didn’t think it was him.

I thought I had simply let myself get too attached to someone, too comfortable.

Until late one night while I was lying in bed. I couldn’t sleep. That’s not all that unusual for me these days. But this night was different. He was keeping me up and other mornings he was waking me up.

I wanted to stop thinking about him.

My frustration turned to tears.

And I just knew.

I was in love with my 5-week guy.