I Met a Man I’m Wildly Attracted to and It’s No Mystery Why

We attract ourselves to the familiar

I remember sitting with my marriage counselor one day. I’d been in marital counseling for years at this point. I was partially joking with him but partially not.

“It must be hard being you,” I say.

“What do you mean?” he says.

“Do you walk into a cocktail party and say there’s a passive-aggressive personality and there’s a deeply insecure personality, and so on?” I say. “Do you identify every issue in the room?”

My marriage counselor laughs.

“It’s hard to fool a psychologist,” I say.

“Over time, you learn to turn that off a bit,” he says.

“Really?” I say. “Because at this point, I’ve had enough counseling and research that I’m having a hard time shutting it off. I can see through a lot these days. And it’s a little exhausting.”

“Colleen,” he says. “I’ve known you for a long time now and I’m trained in my field. I’m trained in psychology. I went to school for it. But you know my field and there’s no real explaining that. You have the ability to see beyond the obvious and connect the dots. I think it’s the marketer in you that has the capability to understand human behavior.”

That conversation was some years ago.

I’ve now spent more than a decade in the counseling and research of love and relationships. I no longer write features or a business column. I’ve dedicated myself to unraveling a few of the mysteries of love.

I recently met a guy I’m wildly attracted to.

It’s no mystery why.

I was raised in a big Irish Catholic family by New Yorkers.

My mom and dad were from Brooklyn.

We grew up outside of Washington, D.C., but the rest of our family were still in New York. My brother and sisters and I don’t sound like we belong to the family, since we are minus the thick Nu Yawker accent.

I met an Irish Catholic guy from the north.

His career is the same as nearly every man in my family.

It’s not rocket science.

We attract ourselves to the familiar.

Our family of origin dictates our choices.

It’s why we encounter thousands of strangers, but are only attracted to a few.

It’s why people who are drawn to one another often say the same types of things. The kind of things that evoke a sense of ease or easiness immediately after meeting an individual you’re attracted to.

“I don’t know what it was, but there was something familiar about him/her.”

“I felt like I had known them forever as soon as I met him/her.”

“There was something comfortable about him/her.”

“I felt like I could talk to him/her for hours.”

When we are attracted to someone…

There is typically something in our background drawing us closer to them.

I’ve resisted dating for years.

My divorce was overly long and abusive. I couldn’t get away from my ex-husband. I turned down the men who asked me out, and I went out less with my friends. I had zero interest.

I knew exactly why this guy was different.

On some level, we understand each other.

Even one of my high school friends said something that clarified it.

“What’s he like?,” she says.

“He’s got a big joy of life,” I say. “He’s handsome, fun, funny, kind, and brave. He’s a good person and he’s good to me.”

“Colleen,” she says. “It sounds like you’ve come full circle because he sounds a whole lot like your high school boyfriend.”

My friend is right.

He has the same confident qualities as a guy I dated when I was young.

Only now I’m ready to appreciate those things.

And understand exactly what attracts me to someone.

Because it’s not rocket science.