avatarColleen Sheehy Orme

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I Never Worried About My Husband Cheating On Me

Now that I’m dating how do I spot a cheater?

Photo by cottonbro studio: On Pexels

While I was married I was having coffee with a few friends. One of the girls was ten years younger than the rest of us. She was a captivating exotic beauty and she had a body to match it.

“The men must look at you all the time,” joked one of my friends.

“Yes,” she said humbly. “Some do.”

“Not sure we want to know which husbands,” laughed another.

With that, my young friend turned to look at me.

“Your husband never looks at women,” she said.

She wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know.

I never worried about him cheating.

A few years later, my husband and I were out to dinner with friends.

When we were done eating we went into the bar for a drink. As per our norm, we didn’t stand side by side. We would socialize with other people while we were out.

I saw a woman flirting with him.

It didn’t phase me.

Despite the fact, she’d had a lot to drink and was hanging on him.

My husband was a big guy. He was 6 feet 3 inches tall, good-looking, charming, and funny. People would tell me how handsome he was but I never felt threatened.

I took it as a compliment.

“Not bad for me,” I would joke.

At another of our local restaurants, one of the waitresses would call a few of us wives ‘Mrs. Lucky.’ A moniker given to the men she felt were worthy of her attention.

I would joke back with her.

“Maybe you should be calling him ‘Mr. Lucky,’ I would say.

On this night, I try and make my way to the restroom.

In order to do so, I must pass by my husband and the woman who’s hanging on to him. She is blissfully ignorant of my presence in general, let alone that his wife is there at all.

I can tell my husband is running interference.

I’m amused by it.

Neither of them saw me because I was several people away in the crowded bar.

“I’m sorry,” I hear my husband say. “But I love my wife.”

I smile to myself.

Especially, since he’s unaware of my presence.

I always used to joke when people asked me if I felt worried about other women. Some people were shocked that the thought never entered my mind.

As if all women worry at some point or another.

But I didn’t.

“Aren’t you even worried about the tall sexy blonde?” they would ask.

“No,” I would say. “If I did worry it would be about the brunette throwing back a Stella making everyone laugh.”

I wrote one of my relationship columns about it years ago on Beliefnet. It was called, “Divorced and Working on My Sexy.”

I didn’t have to worry about cheating while I was married.

But now I’m single and dating.

How do you spot a cheater?

When a woman walks into a room or a bar…they know when men are looking at them. They can feel the eyes whether they are staring directly at them or not.

A woman feels those eyes.

But they also recognize something else.

A woman knows the men whose eyes don’t wander.

The kinda man who keeps his attention directed at his date, his wife, or his friends…no matter who walks into the room. A focus that belongs to the guys who commit fully.

A woman can also spot a one-transaction player.

The kinda man who says the things a woman shouldn’t believe.

The obvious ‘you can’t believe a thing I say’ because ‘I only want one thing’ guy.

But how does a woman spot a cheater?

The guy who’s really good at winning you over.

A man you think you can believe in. A man you want to believe in. How do you know if he’s a safe bet to date? How do you know if he’s single, married, separated, or divorced?

In that way, the cheater makes the one-transaction player…

Seem like the better guy.

As brazen as he is, at least one-transaction man is overtly shameless.

Not a liar, a fraudster, or a deceiver.

He’s just a bar guy looking for a transparent opportunity.

I once wrote something here called, “I’m Not the Lonely Woman at the Bar.” It’s about why I was waiting to date. I wanted to be fully restored and back to myself to make the best possible choices.

I wanted a man who would…

Return safety to love.

I want to keep dating now that I’ve remembered what it feels like to ‘feel’ again.

But I’m not willing to be hurt. At least not in the ruthless way some men can tell you whatever they think you want to hear to selfishly get what they want.

My ex-husband was who he was.

He was extreme and difficult and he punished me for leaving him.

None of what he did was right.

I’m not excusing his behavior. I deserved better and I’m glad I divorced him. But one thing I never doubted was his love for me however misguided it was. I never wondered if there would be another woman one day.

I want to be smart about my heart.

I want to be smart about my second start.

I want what I deserve.

Because I am a woman that a man deserves.

A friend from high school called me the other day. We spent a few minutes talking about her post-divorce dating. She’s been at this a few years longer than me.

“You’ve been dating for a while,” I say. “How do you know who a man is?”

“I vet everyone,” she says.

Makes sense since my friend is a lawyer.

“I get online and do my research,” she says. “I check to see if a man is really married or divorced. There are Facebook groups that protect women too. They tell you the type of guys to look out for and the warning signs to watch for.”

“Really?” I say.

“Yes,” she says. “I learned early on through one bad experience.”

This relationship writer just learned something new.

That there are ‘The Men Who Are Dogs” Facebook groups.

Not long after, I’m sitting at a local restaurant getting dinner. There are two young guys sitting next to me. They start chatting with me and are both married and nice guys.

“You gotta be careful,” says one of them. “Men are as*holes.”

“I’m aware,” I say jokingly.

Of course, not all men are.

I know a lot of really great men.

But I will be careful because I want what I deserve.

Because I am a woman that a man deserves.

Relationships
Love
Dating
Self
This Happened To Me
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