I’ve Spent the Past Few Days Crying Over a Man

Was this emotionally unavailable girl wrong about a guy?

I can’t stop crying. It’s been three days and tears continually saunter down my cheeks. I tell myself it’s silly to cry over a potential misunderstanding with my 5-week guy.

My phone rings.

It’s my high school guy bestie.

“I’m calling to check on you,” he says.

“I’m fine,” I say.

“Colleen,” he says. “Do not wall yourself off again.”

“I won’t,” I say.

“I mean it,” he says. “Do not close yourself off again.”

“I’m surprised how strong my feelings are for him,” I say.

“I get it,” he says. “You finally remembered how good it feels to feel cared about or loved.”

“I just need him to be who I think he is,” I say.

“Look,” he says. “Life is messy. People are complicated especially as we get older. Things happen. True character is demonstrated by how we react to and resolve things.”

“I get it,” I say. “It’s why I write about love, life, and relationships. I don’t expect perfection from anyone but I need to know they are genuine and I need resolution.”

“Well,” he says. “Again, true character is how we react to things. If he calls you and you get some resolution then you will know he has a strong character. If you don’t hear from him you will know he lacks it. You will know who he is.”

“Yes,” I say.

“If it turns out that you’re disappointed in him, give yourself a few weeks then get back out there,” he says. “We just got Colleen back do not put up those walls again.”

“I won’t,” I say.

We hang up.

I think about the tears I’ve shed.

Maybe there’s been an absurdity to what I wanted to begin with.

I told my 5-week guy I didn’t want a commitment.

I was being truthful. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I really didn’t want a commitment. But I did want something genuine.

Maybe those two things aren’t congruent.

Somehow I thought they were.

I thought it was possible to forge a fun weeks-long adventure without necessarily staying attached but the feelings being real. Who knows, maybe they are but something is now making me question that.

Not the end of a fling.

I knew that was coming.

I just needed it to mean something and be meaningful.

I also didn’t necessarily see it as all or nothing. I didn’t view it as just a romantic relationship. I see everything as a friendship. And those don’t have to come with the expiration dates many romances dictate.

I’m being vague about our misunderstanding.

I think he deserves that privacy and so do I.

I don’t write about theories. I write about what I know for sure. I tell my stories with the facts. And misunderstandings are laced with confusion and inaccuracies.

Not unlike the beginning of any relationship.

Even a short five-week dalliance.

Because we don’t know someone yet.

We are just getting to know them. It’s part of the thrill and the excitement. But we have barely a window to their soul. All we have is the desire to know more and be with them more.

It’s what keeps us attracted.

And I have to remind myself I was the girl looking for zero commitment.

Who let herself get in way too deep.

I couldn’t fight the emotional or physical attraction.

In that respect, I don’t regret it. I had walled myself off. I had completely forgotten how great it was to feel again. Whatever it was I was feeling. Because I’m still not sure what it was.

Was it chemistry?

Was it lust?

Was it love?

I think some people can fall in love immediately.

But I don’t think I did.

I think it was so intense and overwhelming and fun that I was beginning to feel like I could love someone again. That’s a little different than definitely knowing you’re in love with someone.

But it’s still powerful.

Especially, after shutting yourself down to the idea of a man for so many years.

It turns out I learned a lot about myself through this experience.

Not only that I was emotionally unavailable.

But also it wasn’t that I didn’t want to date. It wasn’t that I didn’t want a relationship. It wasn’t that I didn’t want a commitment. It was that I wasn’t ready and I hadn’t met a guy who made me want it enough.

A man who made it worth the risk.

I want our misunderstanding resolved.

Only time will tell.

But for now, I told my bestie I wouldn’t wall myself off.

I’m gonna try and keep that promise.