I Started Dating and Realized I’m Emotionally Unavailable
It was a surprise for this relationship columnist

“I’m emotionally unavailable,” says a friend.
“No,” I say. “I’m emotionally unavailable.”
We are talking about dating.
But this is an epiphany for this journalist and relationship columnist.
I’ve just discovered this.
I’m the queen of emotions. I’m a writer. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have to tell you what I’m feeling. If not, I feel uncomfortable. I feel like an imposter.
I’m counter-intuitive to the rest of the world.
The people who are more comfortable keeping secrets.
Not me.
I have to share my secrets.
I have to let you know. Maybe I should blame Catholic school. The nuns who made it clear I had to confess. I always say I don’t know what my mother was thinking dropping this pigtail-wearing rule follower off in a parochial school.
It ruined me.
I could never keep a personal secret again.
My friends will tell you I’m a vault with their secrets.
Mine…not so much.
If I’m not completely authentic I feel like people can see through me. A crowd of super-tuned supermen reading my heart. It makes me uncomfortable.
I write about my life but I’ve never written about this.
Because a few months ago I would have told you it wasn’t true.
Denial is funny…it makes us lie to ourselves.
I would have said I am completely happy. I don’t need a man. My life is full. I have no desire to date. I’m getting myself back together. I’m trying to restore myself.
If for no other reason, I still don’t recognize myself.
In that way, divorce is screwed up.
It’s a breakup. I don’t remember telling my high school besties that I was going to lose my entire self to a football player, or the other guy who caught my eye.
I don’t remember thinking attaching myself to someone was a sacrifice.
I had a little FU in me.
I was feisty with a whole lot of self-respect.
No one was taking me down. Certainly not some guy. I was heavily guarded. I didn’t want to be that girl on that night. Okay, to be fair, the nuns might have still been following me.
If not, I might have said screw it.
One night is worth the fun.
But that Catholic schoolgirl ran deep in me.
Back to the emotionally unavailable thing.
It takes being emotionally attracted to someone to realize you are emotionally unavailable. You initially say, “I’m not your girl.” And then you cave.
I caved.
And you go against your best instincts.
It took being attracted to a man to realize I had walled myself off.
Because I was still emotionally unavailable.
Attraction is attraction. That’s a great thing. But I wasn’t letting anyone back into my heart. It was mine to keep. It took dating someone to realize just how unavailable I actually might be to him.
I’m glad I learned I am emotionally unavailable.
Because it’s something I need to deal with.
I wasn’t saying no to dates because it was my choice. I was saying no because I’ve been through trauma. I was saying no because I no longer trusted men.
I was saying no because I have no interest…
In a new broken heart.
But now I know…
It might be time to open myself up.
I write about relationships in the hopes we keep learning…
In the hopes, we all continue to learn to love better.
So I’m okay with these new lessons.
If I know you, I love you. I don’t mean for a moment, a day, a month, or a year. I love you for life. I’m still best friends with my elementary school BFF, my high school BFFs, my college BFFs, and everyone I ever worked with who lived near or raised my children alongside of.
You get the point.
It’s worth the love in any aspect.
I was emotionally unavailable.
I didn’t need a man.
Until I met a man who made me feel like I did.
And honestly, that might be a problem…
For this emotionally unavailable girl.