I Have the Same Recurring Dream Post-divorce
It’s a nightmare and last night it just got worse

The bedroom became my enemy in divorce.
I could navigate my days.
I could run interference with the sheriff’s deputies knocking on my door and the mortgage company representative showing up to see if our house was still occupied.
I could deal with the lack of food money, health insurance, electricity, transportation, or whatever new financial abuse tactic my husband threw at me.
But the dark of night haunted me.
Sleep evaded me.
The minute I put my head on the pillow his abuse taunted me. I would cry until my eyes were so swollen the tears could barely make their escape. I would toss and turn with anxiety.
“What will he do next? What will tomorrow bring? How will I protect my kids?”
I would question myself.
“I can’t do this anymore. I’m not strong enough. How will I ever escape him?”
My husband followed me into the bedroom.
Despite physically living elsewhere.
When I finalized my five-year divorce I thought I was done with him. I thought I had won my freedom. I thought my bedroom would return to a refuge.
But it didn’t.
Last night I had a nightmare.
It’s the same recurring post-divorce nightmare. I’ve had it for years now. I should have known it was coming because several nights ago I had some other run-of-the-mill bad dreams. Also, a divorce phenomenon.
It’s a fast and furious nightmare.
The moment is always the same…only the setting changes.
I’m standing in a church, a winery, on a beach, or some other type of wedding-themed venue. It’s moments before I am supposed to exchange vows.
I’m in a panic.
I’m about to re-marry my ex-husband.
“No,” I say. “I don’t want to re-marry him. Where are my sisters and brother? Where are my best friends? I need their help. They can get me out of here. They can save me.”
And then I run.
But I can’t find anyone I love.
Instead, a crowd surrounds me and I can feel the impending pressure.
“You want to re-marry him,” says someone.
“No,” I say. “I don’t. I want to be free of him. I want to escape him.”
That’s my nightmare.
The same terror re-living itself.
But last night my nightmare got worse.
I didn’t think it was possible.
I’m back at that moment. Only this time everyone I love is with me. In this haunting dream, I am less overtly panicked. I am quietly frightened and confused. Why are those closest to me here to watch me re-marry him?
They would never support this.
“Why isn’t anyone speaking up?”
“Why aren’t I speaking up?”
Like I did in all of my other nightmares.
Instead, I surrender.
I watch as all my best friends and family line up. I see my ex-husband and just the sight of him makes me wince. I pray that God does something to stop this reality.
And then I exchange vows with him.
This feels worse than my trademark nightmare.
I’m attached to this man again. The one I couldn’t free myself from. Why would I do that? I can’t stand him. I don’t want anything to do with him. But then I remember he’s already re-married.
“He couldn’t have gotten a divorce this quickly,” I say to someone I love. “This means there’s no way our marriage could be valid. There’s no way I have to stay married to him again. I want to be with someone else.”
And then I wake up.
I’m not sure why this divorce-mare as I like to call it changed.
Why did a signature nightmare evolve?
I’m not foolish. Obviously, these nightmares stem from trauma. On many of those sleepless nights, I felt alone despite being surrounded by everyone I loved.
For the first time since I was 28 and lost my mom, I wanted her.
I needed her.
For the first time in my life, I felt like I needed protection.
For the first time in my life, I wanted help from someone…anyone.
Five years is a long time to live with extreme financial abuse. One person abusively puppeting your life. One man controlling you to the point that your entire world feels out of control.
You are no longer safe.
The world is unnervingly unpredictable.
I wanted someone to shut down the bully.
I’m going to look at the positive side of my nightmare coming true. Maybe it’s some type of closure. Maybe it’s a full-circle moment. I re-married my ex-husband and I immediately discovered a way out.
God has a way of answering our prayers.
Even in our dreams, it seems.