My Friend Chose Who Her Friend Should Date and Marry
She wasn’t a good picker and it worked. They’re happily married.
“Maybe your husband can choose the man I date,” I say.
My neighbor laughs.
But there’s some truth laced in my humor-infused remark.
“No, really,” I say. “Maybe then I will end up with a great guy. My friend (It ended up actually being two of my friends) chose the guy our other friend would date and they ended up getting married.”
My neighbor laughs again. She is married to a good man. The kind of man I should have chosen from the beginning.
But I’m a bad picker as they say.
I didn’t gravitate toward the right type of men.
I went for hard to get, aka, complicated.
My neighbor was a good picker. She was smart. Most of my friends were good pickers. They made solid decisions and ended up with nice guys and happy marriages.
But I know a woman who also wasn’t a good picker.
She was married several times.
The solution?
Her two friends chose the guy she would date and ultimately ended up marrying.
It worked.
They are still happily married years later. This woman is one of the most caring people I’ve ever known. She’s extremely kind and loving and thinks the best of everyone.
These are awesome traits.
Unless you lack self-protective instincts and boundaries.
I’ve spent more than a decade in the counseling and research of love, divorce, and relationships. I transitioned from a freelance journalist and former business columnist to a relationship columnist.
It’s not being kind and caring that gets us into trouble.
There are plenty of kind and caring women who are happily married.
It’s understanding the difference between being kind and being an enabler.
As my psychologist marriage counselor once said, “Kindness is forgiving bad behavior once or twice, enabling is forgiving it over and over again.”
What does this mean?
An enabler is someone who is overly caring and will tolerate the repeatedly bad behavior of someone they love. They will make excuses and give chance after chance, even when undeserved.
Enablers can lack self-protective instincts and boundaries.
This was getting the woman I know into trouble.
She was choosing men who weren’t good for her.
She saw the best in them.
One of my friends who was extremely close to this woman agonized over this. She knew what a wonderful person this woman was. She wanted her friend to be in a good relationship.
She deserved to be happy.
“I’m choosing your next man,” says my friend.
It wasn’t necessarily a bad call.
My friend is married to an awesome guy.
She is a good picker.
She’s also loving, caring, and kind. I think those things are kind of a package deal. But my friend has self-protective instincts and boundaries. She isn’t limitless in what she will tolerate.
One day my two friends that are close to this woman go out with her. They arrive at a local outdoor concert. At this point, they all agree my two friends will be selecting the next guy she dates.
It’s a plan.
One of my friends is at the entrance to the concert venue.
A man brushes by her and accidentally touches her arm.
But he doesn’t give her a second look.
He’s with a big group of friends and only has eyes for them. My friend (also a good picker and married to a good man like my other friend mentioned above) likes that this man isn’t looking at women.
“That’s him,” she says. “You need to date this man.”
She and my other friend find him in the crowd and go to chat with him.
Our kind and caring friend stays back.
My friend strikes up a conversation. She’s quick thinking and acts like they might recognize and know one another. Because who can lead in with their real mission story?
By the way, we are choosing our friend’s next date.
And we pick you.
Nope, they couldn’t be that direct in the first few minutes. They had to attempt to get to know him on a friendly level. After they do, they are even more convinced he’s the one.
Only then do they casually say, “You need to meet our friend.”
And the rest is history.
All these years later, the guy they chose loves this story.
Because it’s what led him to her.
Two good pickers helping a bad picker out.
It’s not a bad plan.