Divorce Is About Power, Personality, and Passion

Put that way…can the legal system alone help us survive it?

“He can’t do that,” I say.

“I know,” says my friend. “But there’s nothing she can do about it. He’s getting away with it.”

“But he’s lying, manipulating, and being abusive,” I say.

“I know,” says my friend. “This stuff happens in divorce.”

“He won’t get away with it,” I say. “Because it’s wrong what he’s doing.”

“This is what some people do in divorce,” says my friend.

My friend and I are having coffee. I’m still terribly innocent and naive. At least, in the divorce arena. I am married (not happily at this point) but I haven’t yet initiated my divorce.

I believe right will conquer wrong.

I think a divorcing spouse who’s behaving badly will be held accountable.

I think the divorce system is equitable and fair.

I’m a divorce Pollyanna. I’m a divorce rose-colored glasses girl. I’m a divorce optimist. I’m a divorce virgin. I have no idea what really goes on in a divorce.

I have no idea people get away with horrifically abusive behavior.

And worse…

It gets them their desired outcome.

Until I initiate my divorce.

It’s when I realize divorce is about power, personality, and passion.

This was before I spent more than a decade in research and counseling on love, relationships, marriage, and divorce. It was before I transitioned from a marketer, freelance journalist, and former business columnist to a relationship columnist.

1. Power

Divorce is about who has the power in a marriage.

No one should have the power in a relationship but no one should be powerless either. Divorce is a testimony to exactly who is yielding the most power.

That is the spouse who will conquer.

It is the spouse who will be potentially abusive, dishonest, and manipulative.

I didn’t realize I had given my power away to a man. I was unaware of how vulnerable I had made myself as a stay-at-home mother. It was a great mistake.

My husband could never have held me captive in a five-year divorce, if I hadn’t walked away from my income. I would have had the ability to support myself.

I would have been less vulnerable to his severe financial abuse.

The divorce legal system is more about the law and less about power.

The powerful spouse typically has control, resources, and money. That feeds their legal agenda. The spouse without the power is typically not in control, lacking resources, and money.

2. Personality

Divorce is about the personality of each spouse.

A somewhat amicable divorce process is the dream. The problem? This requires two spouses who are mature, confident, and have the ability to be fair and put their children first.

An individual who loves their children more than they hate their spouse.

Sadly, divorce is about personalities.

The law isn’t necessarily equipped to deal with difficult or extreme personalities. My ex-husband was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder on the severe end of the spectrum.

I desperately needed help protecting my children.

People naively thought I was getting a divorce. I wasn’t. I was enduring five years of unimaginable emotional and financial abuse. I was in the fight of my life to protect my kids.

The divorce legal system is more about the law and less about personalities.

It makes it difficult to navigate these high-conflict spouses. It’s simply become a label. What is known as a high-conflict divorce. It’s a divorce that lasts two or more years in duration and typically involves extremely bad behavior on the part of one or both spouses.

3. Passion

Divorce is about the ‘leftover’ passion in a marriage.

It’s about all of the unresolved conflict between two spouses.

It’s what makes divorce punishing and retaliatory. It’s what makes divorce abusive. It’s what makes divorce last too long. It’s what makes children suffer unnecessarily at the hands of those meant to protect them.

It’s what makes divorce angry and ugly.

It’s years and years of conflict brought into the divorce process. Individuals who resent one another, feel wronged by one another, or cheated by one another.

And one or both spouses use divorce as a means to get back at the other.

The divorce legal system is more about the law and less about passion.

This is emotion, not pragmatic like the law.

This is not something that is easily legally navigated. These are childlike spouses. These are individuals who can’t be mature and confident enough to acknowledge divorce isn’t something most of us choose.

Divorce is the unfortunate outcome of exhausting all of our options.

Divorce is about power, personality, and passion.

None of these things…

Are systematic like the law.

They are complex, messy, volatile, and at times unpredictable. They have nothing in common with logic, process, and reason. They aren’t at all pragmatic.

Divorce law only works well for mature, confident, fair, and responsible people.

These individuals can put aside power, personality, and passion. They can do the right thing despite the ugliness of divorce. They can treat their former spouse and children well.

Unfortunately, there aren’t enough adults who are divorcing.

There aren’t enough mature spouses.

Or as I always say, “I’m tired of watching children walking around masquerading as adults.”

Divorce law doesn’t necessarily work well to protect individuals who are divorcing immature, insecure, unfair, and irresponsible people. These individuals can’t put aside their power, personality, and passion.

It creates a volatile, controlling, and abusive divorce.

It promotes injustice.

It’s the opposite of what divorce is supposed to proffer.

A resolution and equitable dissolution between two people who once swore to love each other. Two people who didn’t necessarily choose divorce. It was the unfortunate result of exhausting all of their options.

Two people who are willing to accept their unfortunate truth.

At least long enough to set aside…

Their power, personality, and passion.

Because if not, the divorce system isn’t equipped to deal with them.