How Do Women Protect Themselves When They Get Married?

The important divorce conversation married women need to have

“You seem smart,” says the woman.

As if being dumb were a prerequisite for getting screwed in a divorce.

It’s not.

Beautiful, smart, capable women get cheated on or cheated out of their life savings every day. A man having an affair or hiding every dollar you have says absolutely nothing about the woman he married.

It says everything about him.

When this happens to a woman she doesn’t typically see it coming. She doesn’t believe she’s married a man who is capable of cheating on her or stealing their life savings and retirement.

Women don’t have the ‘what if you get divorced’ conversation.

We’re thrust into the middle of stress and duress when divorce implodes our lives.

We are naive and trusting, not dumb.

These words are two-fold. We are naive to what our spouse is actually capable of and to the divorce process itself. We trusted our spouse and now we trust the divorce system to be fair.

There’s an important divorce conversation…

That every married woman needs to have.

I’m talking about happily married women, not-so-happily married women, apathetic women, and everyone in between. I’m talking about younger women and older women. I’m talking about your mother, your sister, your daughter, your niece, your aunt, and every other woman in your life.

They need to talk about divorce long before they potentially encounter it.

They need to understand the facts, the process, and the tactics of abusive spouses.

No one gets married believing they are going to get divorced.

In our twenties, we can’t even say the word divorce. It’s unfathomable. Our relationship is going to stand the test of time. In our thirties, we begin to hear rumors of discontent. A few affairs here and there.

Not us, we tell ourselves.

That would never happen to me.

In our forties, the stories increase and more assets have been acquired. There are brutal stories of emotional and financial divorce abuse. Again, we deny this could ever happen to us. In our fifties and sixties, we begin to become less shocked by terrible divorce stories.

But we still believe they are the outliers.

We don’t believe they could ever involve the man ‘we’ married.

We think we married men with the same values.

Even if our marriages are struggling, as women we expend all of our energy attempting to save the relationship. We aren’t setting up shop for a rainy day. Even if we choose to be the ones to leave, we wouldn’t get screwed if we thought our spouses were capable of illegal, unethical, and immoral behavior.

We learn about the inequities, abuse, grief, and trauma of divorce in divorce.

We are completely unaware and unprepared.

We’re too late showing up to the divorce party.

Our lying, cheating, and stealing spouses arrived much earlier.

Women need to educate themselves while they are married. Instead, of convincing themselves this will never happen to them. They need to recognize nearly half of all marriages end in divorce.

Women need to plan responsibly as they do in all other aspects of their lives.

We don’t get insurance because we want something to happen.

We get coverage in case the worst happens.

Believe me when I say…

I’ve rarely met a woman who got screwed in marriage or divorce, who wasn’t shocked. They don’t casually say I knew my husband was going to have an affair, I knew he was going to leave me, and I knew he’d steal everything we owned.

They don’t say I knew the divorce system wasn’t necessarily fair and spouses can get away with bad behavior. They don’t say I knew it would be this brutal.

They get this education at the worst point in their marriage.

When it’s unraveling and divorce is imminent.

Women should understand divorce.

Not a few community gossip stories.

Women should have a divorce conversation while married. They should be versed in financial divorce planning and financial abuse. They should have a plan if the worst were to happen.

They should know what to do to protect themselves.

Whether they are experiencing marital problems or not.

But especially the minute a relationship begins to struggle or fail.

Married women should know there are things they should do annually.

Check your credit report to make sure it’s not being damaged or debt is not being taken out in your name. Check your life insurance policies and mortgage to make sure they aren’t being borrowed against. You should check savings and retirement accounts to make sure money is not being siphoned.

They should know the greatest abuse in divorce is among the self-employed because they can manipulate and lower their income. They should know bank records only go back seven years if you have to track hidden money. They should know people hide money in various ways. In illegal trusts not attached to a social security number, out of the country, in a family member’s name, etc.

Married women should know stay-at-home mothers are the most financially vulnerable. It can lead to long and severely financially abusive divorces.

There’s much more to know about divorce and the divorce process.

There’s more necessary information for this education, it’s not all financial.

One of the divorce dilemmas I encounter is women I consult with, or who read my work are usually experiencing a divorce. They are already in the throes of abuse, desperation, turmoil, chaos, and more that can occur during the dissolution of a marriage.

They needed the topics I write about long before they read them.

So did I.

That’s why I’m starting this conversation.

Because I got screwed in a divorce.

I experienced an overly long and severely abusive five-year divorce. I was under great stress and duress. Not only during this process but in the years leading up to the divorce while our marriage was struggling.

I had no idea what my husband was capable of. I had no idea he would aggressively bully me until I couldn’t sleep or think straight.

Women don’t believe they married men who would do this to them.

But they need to prepare for the worst in case they actually did.

I’m not dumb.

Smart women get screwed in divorce every single day.

Note: I will be following this piece with an itemized divorce fact and talking points article.

Below: You will find some financial tips and what to know before divorce articles.