3 Ways Divorce Changed Me for the Better

I can’t believe I ever fought divorce becoming my reality

“No,” says my friend. “You’re not thinking of leaving him!”

“I am,” I say.

“You can’t,” she says.

My friend is in disbelief.

We are just about to turn 40 and everyone we know is married. She and I have been friends since our 20s and as couples, we do a lot together.

She’s shocked by my announcement.

Little did I know, that I should have carried through immediately.

It was the second time I had wanted to leave my husband.

The first time was after eight years of marriage. I took our boys and moved in with my sister. I foolishly returned after nearly a month. My husband promised to go to marriage counseling.

I was determined to leave this time around.

Once I told my husband, he made promises all over again.

It was a second Band-Aid to our marriage.

He began to treat me better. I resisted. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake a second time. I didn’t think I would ever feel the same way about him. But then I saw how it was affecting him. He was only 41 but his hair began thinning.

I knew it was the stress of my leaving and I felt bad.

Stupid I know, but I did.

I tried to make it work.

Here’s where I lost my footing.

The no-nonsense ballsier younger me was about to exit the building.

The girl who didn’t think twice about leaving after eight years and the woman who didn’t think twice about leaving at 40 was retreating. I just didn’t know it yet.

A less ballsier girl was taking my place.

The mother whose children were getting older.

The woman who had stayed too long now found divorce more traumatizing.

In my younger years, I felt completely independent. I wasn’t at all afraid of starting over on my own. I didn’t see it as breaking up a family. I saw it as a young mother doing what she needed to do to raise her children.

But not after surrendering some of my 40s to my husband.

Now I cried myself to sleep.

I prayed for a miracle to save my marriage.

I used myself up.

I depleted every part of myself and offered up bits of myself to frustration, unhappiness, arguing, and hopelessness. I was getting emotionally, spiritually, and physically weaker by the moment.

Instead, of strongly ending an unhealthy relationship.

I weakened at the hands of that same beast.

I now resisted the idea of a divorce. It was my worst reality. Until it happened, and I realized once again, it was the best thing for me.

3 Ways divorce has changed me for the better.

1. How divorce changed me for the better — I’m present

I wasn’t fully present in the years I struggled to save my marriage.

My friend would urge me to be as involved as I had always been. The overly social girl who loved to volunteer, fundraise, and be a part of the community.

“You need to stop turning down so many invites,” said my friend. “People are going to stop inviting you.”

“I know,” I said. “But I’m just not up for it.”

It wasn’t just that.

I didn’t have the same concentration or energy for a lot of daily things. Making dinner seemed like a chore despite it being something I loved to do.

I was distracted in all areas of my world.

I think of that time period, in many ways, as lost years in my life.

As just getting by, surviving rather than thriving.

Yes, I had the benefit of an intact marriage. But how much can you contribute to daily life when you’re constantly distracted by unhappiness? How fully present can you be with thoughts that drag you down and conflict that depletes your energy?

I was trying to save my marriage alone and it was exhausting.

Divorce has changed me for the better.

Post-divorce I am gaining the ability to once again live in the present. I can fully listen when people talk to me. I’m no longer forgetful. I have full concentration. I notice the wondrous things in life again.

A beautiful bird, a sunset, or the laughter of a small child.

2. How divorce changed me for the better — My health

The long-term stress of a conflict ridden relationship isn’t healthy.

“I don’t feel good about myself,” I would say. “I’ve gained 30 pounds of Ralph.”

It was my humorous nod to my traumatically abusive and long divorce weight gain. Every time I thought I couldn’t take anymore a glass of wine sounded like a good idea. And why not grab some Cheetos to go with that wine.

I was not one to drink wine at home.

I certainly wasn’t pairing Cheetos with it.

My husband and I used to go out for dinner with wine and enjoy friends.

But I thought I was going to have a stroke with the severe financial abuse he was inflicting. My internist told me I had to just get through my divorce. The hereditary blood disorder I have was exasterbated by the stress.

In reality, I had abandoned many of my healthy habits during the worst of our marital problems. I stopped going to the gym four days a week for two hours at a time.

I didn’t eat as well.

Plus, the long-term stress of marital misery wasn’t healthy.

Divorce has changed me for the better.

It’s taken a while but I started going to the gym again, losing weight, and taking care of myself again. It’s so much better to be out of that continually stressful environment.

I feel energetic and motivated again.

3. How divorce changed me for the better — My restoration

I was getting emotionally, spiritually, and physically weaker by the moment.

A failing marriage eroded the core of my foundation.

“Leave him,” said one of my best friends from high school. “Before he destroys anymore of you.”

Not long after, my sister echoed her own concerns.

“Colleen,” she said. “Some people would stay but you’re smarter than that.”

They were both fighting for me.

They were witnessing my personal erosion.

I knew they were right. I had given myself away. I had done that. It was my choice. My husband was who he was. But I chose to stay and continue to fight as one for a relationship that demanded two.

I always say, “There’s an irony in loving someone so much that you end up not liking yourself.”

I was a happy girl with a big joy of life.

Who had turned into a miserable woman who over-talked. That’s what happens when you live with a man who doesn’t care and doesn’t want to listen or solve your marital problems.

But you can’t bring yourself to leave him either.

Divorce has changed me for the better.

I feel emotionally, spiritually, and physically restored. I feel stronger every day. I like myself again. I recognize myself again. I’m happy again. I’m hopeful again.

I’m not a woman who allowed another individual to change her anymore.

I can’t believe I ever got to a point where I resisted divorce. Where I cried. Where I begged God to save my marriage. Where I thought it had to be the end of my world.

But it wasn’t.

It was the beginning.