How to Neither Win Friends Nor Influence People

Followed by: Navigating friendships as a neurodivergent kid in a neurotypical world

Before I offer my advice for making friends as neurodivergent folk in a neurotypical-centric (aka “neuronormative”) world, I would like to spare you and your children from making the same mistakes I did.

I shall begin with my advice for how to neither make friends nor influence people — a roadmap to failure in two easy steps!

Step One: Try to be someone you’re not.

This was me for so much of my life.

In elementary school, I just wanted to “fit in” and be one of the popular crowd. Given the popular crowd were so unkind to outsiders, I have no idea why I wanted so badly to be part of their clique, but I did.

I tried to mold myself into what I thought they wanted in a friend, but didn’t quite succeed, resulting in more mocking and ostracization.

In high school I was a jock, a nerd, and a rebel all rolled into one. I was on almost every sports team, I did well in school despite rarely attending classes, but I hung out with the “alternative” crowd. I had accepted my fate as an outsider, but still didn’t have a strong sense of self, so I continued to pretend in order to blend in.

It wasn’t until College and University that I even began to find myself and feel less of a need to put on a persona. I was never a good actor anyway, so my performances always fell flat, and people saw right through the pretence.

Step Two: Set zero boundaries

Along the lines of needing to be accepted, as well as needing to feel useful in order to be liked, I had no sense of healthy boundaries. I would bend over backwards for my friends, with no regard for my own needs, and then feel hurt when they didn’t respond in kind.

When we don’t have respect for ourselves, it’s difficult for others to respect us. If we don’t set healthy boundaries, our friends can’t know where they are, and we put ourselves at risk for others taking advantage of us.

Kids: Don’t try this at home.

I hope by sharing these experiences I can help others avoid some of the mistakes I made.

“Be yourself, everyone else is taken.” — Oscar Wilde

Many neurodivergent children struggle with friendships, just like I did.

In some ways I was at a disadvantage because I was not identified until my late thirties, so I had no idea why I was different, I just knew making friends was hard for me. With no other reason to point to, I assumed there was something inherently wrong with me.

The good news is, if you’re reading this, you likely already know (or strongly suspect) your child is neurodivergent. You are also interested in supporting your child in a way that celebrates their uniqueness and safeguards their self-esteem, giving your child a major head-start in this process.

Tales of caution aside, let’s turn our focus now to how we can support our children in developing and maintaining healthy friendships.

Allow children pursue their own interests

It’s important we foster our children’s areas of interest and not force our ideas of what they should be into onto them. Children tend to make friends with others who share similar interests.

Many neurodivergent kids don’t care about what’s trendy or popular amongst their peers, they have their own ideas of fun. This may make it harder for them to talk about the latest fads with other kids at school, but that doesn’t mean they can’t find their own crowd.

In fact, it’s often beneficial for children to have activities outside of school, with different peers. If they feel left out at school, they can find a different group of kids who share their passions, friends who will accept and like them for exactly who they are.

Although it’s heartbreaking for us to see our children left out or rejected by their peers, it will only compound their difficulties if we try to make them into someone they’re not.

“When children feel as though they must fulfill certain conditions to be loved by their parents, it’s not easy for them to accept themselves unconditionally.” — Alfie Kohn

Educate and empower your child

When our children understand themselves better, they can communicate their needs to others, self-advocate, and to help peers understand.

Because our children grow up in a society centred around neurotypical (NT) experiences, it can be difficult for NT children (and adults) to understand the experiences of neurodivergent children.

I remember a great example from one cool kiddo. (I’ll call him Ryder because he loved Paw Patrol). One day Ryder was stimming by tapping his hand, his favourite stim. A friend asked “why are you clapping?” Ryder happily explained, “I’m not clapping, I’m stimming, and it makes me feel good!”

His friend simply responded, “Oh. Cool,” and they moved on with their play.

Sadly, many autistic children are discouraged from stimming because adults are afraid it will make them look “weird” in front of their peers. What this actually does is teach those autistic children their stimming is something to be ashamed of.

When their peers see or hear adults discouraging the stim, those children also get the idea stimming is something “bad” or wrong. Instead of teaching all children that stimming is natural and normal — something we all do to a greater or lesser extent — they are inadvertently learning it’s taboo.

Research has shown that getting to know neurodivergent and disabled people, learning about our experiences, and simply spending time with those different from ourselves reduces bullying and increases understanding.

When adults behave as though a child’s particular behaviours are something to be discouraged, redirected, or stopped, that sends a powerful message both to that child and to anyone who happens to be around when this occurs.

Role-model social skills

When we take our children’s feelings seriously, we teach them to do the same for others. In guiding them through the problem-solving process, we’re giving them practical examples to follow in a way that is relevant to their life.

We simply cannot teach children social skills on a whiteboard or a handout, we must lead by example.

© Jillian Enright, Neurodiversity MB

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References

Cook, A., Ogden, J., & Winstone, N. (2020). The effect of school exposure and personal contact on attitudes towards bullying and autism in schools: A cohort study with a control group. Autism, 24(8), 2178–2189. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361320937088

Kohn, A. (2005). Unconditional Parenting: Moving from rewards and punishments to love and reason. Simon & Schuster, Inc.