How to Move House and Not Lose Your Shit Figuratively and Literally
What I learnt from the mediums this week
Moving house is something most people will have to face over the course of their lives. Unless you’re a sedimentary rock or you live in Buckingham Palace with the other fossils. The winds of change occasionally sweep us up and deposit us in the shit-stain of suburbia, whereupon we wake up and tell ourselves, ‘This is not my beautiful house,’ and ‘This is not my beautiful wife.’
The very thought of moving house sends shivers down my spine and my hands into a strangulation posture. Its the stuff of nightmares. Worse than nightmares. I read after water boarding got banned in Guantanamo, they forced inmates to pack up all their belongings and move cells EVERY WEEK. Luckily all they owned were orange robes, some soggy lungs and bucketful of PTSD, but still, those CIA rehabilitation therapists really knew how to up the ante. Give me 18 hours of Metallica any day.
Most of us aren't accused terrorists, or even people with no idea about terrorism who just looked a bit too Afghani, but still, situations arise where moving house is inevitable. If you wake up to an eviction notice in your mailbox — or better yet, a funeral notice for rich old Aunty Elizabeth — here are some things you’ll need to consider before packing up and shipping out.
Give yourself enough time to plan accordingly
No one likes a rush job. Look at the chaos caused when Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker were informed they’d only have one hour to move the entire belongings of an abducted diplomats daughter from the hostages house back to the Chinese embassy. (At least I think that’s what the plot was.)
Give yourself a couple of years to be safe. Look how forward thinking the Republicans are. K. B. Cottrill broke news of their plan to relocate the oval office in 2024 once the orange one returns from his mission:
Much more sensible.
Don’t forget the dog & don’t strap the dog to your roof racks
In the panic of moving, many people forget their pets and take off without them. Then there are others, who run out of space in the family Tesla and tie their dog to the roof of the car with leftover Christmas lights. Don’t do that. Even Hitler didn’t do that. Billy Maguire said so:
Season your move accordingly
Sounds a bit like a recipe, dunnit’? Cos it is.
Winter’s too cold for a move — you’ll slip on the ice while carrying your 1,648 inch 16k plasma LCD screen and pop a hernia through your thermals.
Summer’s too hot — your fingers will sweat more than a testicle facing a vasectomy and you’ll drop the mother-in-law’s fine china. Nothing will ever be fine again.
Spring sounds promising, except for the four tons of hay fever farmer Earth deposited on your driveway. Turns out the removalists are allergic and have to drive themselves to hospital with your house inside their truck.
Nope, Autumn is the way to go. Tis the season for change, just ask Shereen Bingham.
Remember to be kind to each other during this stressful time
Moving house increases cortisol levels by 8000%. You will be stressed. You will be tempted to take it out on those nearest and dearest to you. And after you’ve smashed your iPhone, you’ll turn to your partner/children and have a go at them too. Please, take the advice of Ted Czukor and treat everyone the way you are treated on here.
Don’t hire removalists based on how big their muscles are
It aint how big they are, it’s what they can do with them. You could hire ten over-inflated roid roosters who’ll waste four hours fighting over who gets to pack the mirror. Or, hire a skinny-arsed shrimp who carries a chip on his shoulder far heavier than the roidies will ever squat. Small people can do big things. Franco Amati knows.
Schedule adequate toilet breaks
The worst thing that can happen is to be busting for a bog halfway down the freeway with a two ton load of furniture in the truck, and a shit ton of partially digested nachos in the trunk. That’s a highway to hell and a car crash waiting to happen.
I can see the investigator now. Shaking his head and pointing a donut at the road. Jeeshuz Carl, get a load o’ that skid mark.
Two simple solutions.
One: ignore Victor Cardenas’s meal planning suggestions the night before the move.
Two: take Smillew Rahcuef’s always excellent advice and drop a load before you move one. You might even use that time productively.
The rental market is hot right now, but don’t blow your budget just for a his and her sink
Stick to your limits. Spend within your means. Don't be like Ann James, who swans off for month long holidays and then returns home and slaps 10 smillewcoins on a minutes rent. (Mound houses must be reaaal efficient these days.)
Don’t substitute family members for household items you forgot to purchase
Take it from me, a 90-year old grandmother can only remain on all fours and dressed in a tablecloth long enough for one to two meals, tops. Buy yourself a dining table.
And just because Uncle Lester lost all that weight and doesn't move so fast after the chemo, it doesn’t mean you can hang your coat on him.
What’s that? You forgot to buy a doormat? Relax, you’ll receive a dozen of them once you throw a housewarming party. Stop using Karen E Brewer. She’s radioactive. That’s the last thing Uncle Lester needs right now.
Check your new house isn't haunted
Fingers and crosses crossed it isn’t. But some houses are, and you can't go sucking em up with your leaf blower like the good ol’ days.
You need a new approach, and BichoDoMato has just the ticket. Maybe the ghost doing the haunting is just lonely and is jealous of the fact you have a loving ̶k̶i̶t̶c̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶a̶i̶d̶ wife/husband/servant-with-benefits. You know you can marry your Roomba in America, right?
Use this handy app to set your ghost up with a sexy single ghoul, and they’ll be off to a mouldy studio apartment near the university in no time.
DON’T EVER DO IT AGAIN
Nomadic lifestyles are for hippies and billionaires with toy rockets. I suggest staying put. It’s why I bought the caretakers office at the cemetery.
