Poo Poo Humor — 100 Things I Wrote Sitting On My Toilet

You might want to bookmark this one and read it next time you sit on the throne.

This story isn’t particularly funny, unless — like me and my children — you find any sentence with “poo poo” funny. We also use the Spanish word “caca” because it rolls off your tongue — so to say.

1. For breakfast this morning, I ate poo poo pasta prepared by my daughter
2. I thought it was a joke and ate the so-called caca-dish gleefully
3. BIG MISTAKE
4. Turned out it wasn’t “so-called”
5. My daughter had added real caca from the cat litter to her poo poo pasta dish (the recipe is available upon request)
6. Now I have a nightmarish stomach ache and I’ve been on the toilet for the last twenty minutes
7. You wouldn’t believe the amount of poo poo I produced during this time
8. (pictures are NOT available upon request, not even if you subscribe to the special membership level on my ko-fi page)
9. And I feel like there’s much more caca to come
10. Something like a caca volcano
11. Even BIGGER than the Lago Titicaca
12. A pile of poo poo higher than the K2
13. At least, that’s what my stomach is telling me
14. And it usually doesn’t particularly enjoy poo poo jokes
15. I won’t eat poo poo pasta ever again
16. It’s a promise
17. Pinky promise
18. Or, as my daughter would say, poo poo caca promise
19. “What is taking you so long?” asks my wife through the door
20. “Shall we eat the rest of the poo poo pasta without you?”
21. SHIT
22. Or should I say, POO POO?
23. “DON’T DO THAT!! DON’T EAT THE POO POO PASTA, THERE’S REAL POO POO IN THERE,” I shout to my wife
24. Imagine the nightmare!!
25. The whole family could be poisoned with the cat’s poo poo!!!
26. Except for the dog who’s eating it regularly and considers it a delicacy
27. “DID YOU HEAR ME?” I ask my wife
28. “YES. STOP SHOUTING.” She makes a pause and adds doubtfully
29. “Is this one of your tricks to keep the good stuff for you?”
30. “Like that time you said we couldn’t eat the chocolate because it was after the due date?”
31. Uh-oh
32. This could be bad
33. “NO!! I swear, I’m not kidding.”
34. Another pause on her side. “So, do you admit you lied about the chocolate?”
35. Yep, it’s bad
36. All right, this is a tough one
37. I don’t want my wife and kids to eat poo poo pasta with real poo poo in it, but I can’t admit to lying about the chocolate
38. It’s true, I lied, but my wife is gonna kill me if I tell her so
39. What to do?!
40. I can’t stay in the bathroom for that explanation
41. I have to take the risk of a poo poo disaster in my pants and walk out
42. I will use the famous caca strategy invented by my daughter to avoid cleaning her room
43. “Honey! These chocolate accusations are caca”
44. “Very caca”
45. “Caca”
46. “CACA”
47. C
48. A
49. C
50. A
51. As I learned from my daughter, it’s very important to repeat the word at least five times
52. If possible, with increasing intensity
53. The best is to add some linguistic variations to trigger neuronal reshaping in your opponent’s brain
54. “These accusations are even poo poo, Scheisse, kakka”
55. “And cacca”
56. My wife looks at me in total disgust
57. Mission accomplished
58. She doesn’t remember about the chocolate incident anymore
59. She might remember this caca incident, but that’s a problem for another day
60. I turn towards my daughter and ask her what exactly did she put in her poo poo pasta dish?
61. She senses the tension in my voice
62. She knows she made a mistake
63. And she doesn’t like it
64. Exactly the way she doesn’t like cleaning her room
65. I know what she’s going to do
66. I see it in her eyes
67. She’s going to use her caca strategy
68. This can’t happen
69. My wife can’t take another poo poo verbal storm
70. I slide towards my daughter and whisper to her ears
71. “Don’t do it. Don’t use the caca strategy”
72. She looks at me and I understand she tricked me
73. That kid is good
74. “Sure thing, Daddy. What do you give me in exchange?”
75. “Something nice?” She whispers, her voice still innocent, but with her eyes gleaming like a Walmart buyer negotiating prices with a supplier
76. I don’t have time to negotiate
77. I go all in
78. “All right, I will clean your room till the end of the month”
79. “Only one month?” She says. “That’s a pretty caca offer”
80. Everybody’s looking at us whispering
81. It must look VERY weird
82. “I will clean your room till the end of the semester, but you have to tell the truth about the poo poo pasta”
83. “I’ll do better than that”
84. She turns toward her mother and the rest of the family
85. “I’m sorry. This is all my fault. I tried to trick Dad and now everything is CACA”
86. Pause for effect
87. “I thought he lied about the chocolate too”
88. WHAT? I didn’t expect that one. Where is she going with this?
89. “So I bought some, waited for it to get passed the due date, and used them in the poo poo pasta”
90. “Now Dad is all sick and it’s all my fault!!!” <insert fake crying, she’s that good>
91. “He didn’t lie to us about the chocolate!”
92. “We would all have been sick if we had eaten it”
93. It’s hard to transcript her acting skills on the page, but she deserves an Oscar
94. As usual
95. My wife takes us both in a warm embrace
96. “My poor things,” she says and kisses our daughter on the forehead
97. Kissing me on the cheek, she whispers, “I know EXACTLY what happened. Don’t think you’ll get such an easy out on the chocolate”
98. I’m scared. She’s a tough negotiator too
99. I guess laundry will be on me till the end of the semester too
100. But I don’t have time to think about it, I have to run back to the toilet for the poo poo caca volcano eruption.

Time to flush!

See you next month for Pee Pee Humor — 100 More Things I Wrote Sitting on My Toilet

Backstory

This story exists because Patrick Eades commented on another 100 things list. Maybe it will turn into a book one day. Wouldn’t that be a great read while sitting on the toilet?

In the meantime, you can read Patrick’s stuff (not necessarily on the toilet).