Summary

An individual humorously details their unconventional qualifications and life experiences in an application for the position of King of England.

Abstract

The author of the article presents a satirical application for the role of King of England, highlighting a unique blend of heritage, education, and skills. They claim a royal lineage through their mother's European escapades, boast of their proficiency in receiving state handouts, and recount anecdotes of schoolyard bullying and turf wars akin to international disputes. Despite a lack of formal education and qualifications, the applicant touts their ability to influence others, their artistic endeavors, and their readiness for royal duties, such as pheasant hunting and international travel. The article is laced with dark humor and a casual disregard for traditional job application norms.

Opinions

The applicant believes they are well-suited for the role of King despite not being the preferred candidate, citing their life experiences and questionable achievements.
They express a cynical view of equal employment opportunity, suggesting nepotism in the selection process for the monarchy.
The author makes light of their own lack of formal education and qualifications, suggesting that these are not necessary for royal positions.
There is a clear disdain for traditional work, as the applicant takes pride in their long-term unemployment and ability to manipulate the welfare system.
The applicant seems to have a sense of entitlement, expecting others to bow to them and claiming credit for others' accomplishments.
They show no remorse for their past actions, such as severely injuring a fellow student or destroying a community garden, instead presenting these as qualifications.
The author's references include a welfare officer and their own mother, indicating a lack of professional connections.
They jest about being open to incest within the royal family, demonstrating a lack of respect for royal traditions and propriety.
The applicant is confident in their ability to represent the monarchy, despite also applying for the presidency of the United States, showing a humorous lack of understanding of geopolitical boundaries.

Throne life

I Applied to Be the Next King of England

The only job I ever wanted

Gettin paid to sit in a fancy chair? I’m down with that. Photo by William Krause on Unsplash

Job openings like this don’t come up very often. About once every 70 years or so. Apparently they already have a preferred applicant — which doesn’t sound very equal employment opportunity to me — but I reckon if I nail the application I might sneak a look in. At least that’s what Damien from the dole office reckons. He also reckons if I don't apply for a job soon they’ll cut off me benefits. Fuckin bastards.

Heritage

I was conceived to a Disney soundtrack.

Either Cinderella or beauty and the beast. Or maybe Aladdin. One of the ones where the sexy gold-digger needs rescuing by the poncey prince. It was at an old school drive-in movie marathon, back when a popcorn and cock-sock combo was only 4 bucks. But my dad was a notorious tightarse and only bought the popcorn.

I have family roots in England, Scotland, Germany, France, Spain, Greece.

My mum went on a Contiki tour before she met my dad and she rooted dudes all over Europe. I think she even rooted one of those funny hat fuckers in the storage shed out back of Windsor Castle. Can’t get much royaler than that, eh?

Education

I may not have been to one of those toff schools like William or Harry did, but don’t worry, I still have plenty of experience with bullying. There was a kid called Frederick (I know — asking for it, right?) who wore his pants real high. One day during nap time I stuck three redback spiders down his pants and then sewed his pants to his shirt while he was still asleep. I sewed em so good the gardener had to cut his pants off with long handled secateurs, but not before the venom got seriously into his bloodstream. Little Frederick ended up in a coma for four months but I did get top marks for home economics.

I left school in year nine with Mary Jane to pursue a career in street art, so I didn’t go to no fancy university.

Some of me art brah. Banksy eat your cock out. Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

But I did attend university games one year as a volunteer masseuse for the women’s water polo team. That’s one royal sport I can get behind. Especially the blonds.

Qualifications

I never heard of anyone needing qualifications for this job?

Skills summary

· I am very proficient in receiving handouts from the state. Damien at the dole office calls me the ‘laziest bludger this side of Buckingham.’

· I’m great at claiming credit for other people’s successes. One time this kid at school raised $18,000 for scrotal deformity, but he was sick on the day it was presented at assembly. So I cruised up on stage and handed over a novelty check to this scrotally deformed fellow and had my picture taken for the local paper. After assembly I followed him out and beat the shit out of him and stole his cheque, but it bounced like one of his yoyo nuts.

· I can get any muddafucka to bow before me. Usually by kickin em in the dick.

· I’m great in turf wars. Just like how youse stole the Chagos islands from the Chagos islands people so the American gang could use it to house their aerial whips. I done a similar thing. These old timers had this community garden in the middle of one of my favourite alleys. The wrinkled farts were growing veges and flowers and yakkin it up all day long. So I made up a special batch I called Monsanto dream slayer and tagged the shit out of their tomato bushes. They knew they weren’t welcome no more, and me an my crew parked our whips on the graves of their vegetables.

Me an my crew on our whips doin mainies. Photo by Marek Rucinski on Unsplash

· I can shelve a baggie for 36 hours, enough to cover any international flight. So Harry might be more likely to come on family holidays, and that means Megan in bikinis. Who’s with me?

Achievements

· 20 years on unemployment benefits (still a ways off your record, but I’m just as dedicated)

· I once ate 6 big Mac’s in 10 minutes.

· I’m not related to Prince Andrew

· Never filed a single tax return

Hobbies/extracurricular activities

· Pheasant hunting. I’m always down for nabbin’ birds.

· Laughing at poor people. Well, I’m poor, and so are me mates, and we mainly just laugh at each other. But if I got the job I would keep laughing. All the way to the fucking bank!

· Open to incest. Provided they are from the hot side of the family. I’m a big ‘Suits’ fan, in case I haven’t mentioned that yet.

Referees

1. Damien from the dole office.

2. My mum.

3. Your mum.

Just FYI, I’ve also submitted my application for president of the United states of America, so get off my fuckin back for a bit Damien.

Want to read about other bludgers getting overpaid?

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