Do Covert Narcissists Forget About You Like You Don’t Exist?

Unless a covert narcissist has amnesia or dementia, they do not forget you exist

What you’re experiencing is their lack of whole object relations and object constancy — two concepts that are often misunderstood.

Many people believe object constancy and object permanence are the same things. They are not.

Object permanence is the developmental skill all humans develop around the age of 9 months that allows them to remember something or someone exists when they can no longer see it.

A child who has developed object permanence will…

• Watch the door for a parent’s return when they’ve left the room
• Look under a blanket for a hidden toy
• Peer over the edge of their highchair to look for dropped food

Narcissists have the developmental skill of object permanence.

• When they leave work, they don’t forget they have a job.
• When their boss walks out of the room, they don’t forget they have a boss.
• When their child goes to school, they don’t forget they’re a parent.
• When they discard you, they DO NOT forget you exist.

The narcissist lacks whole object relations instead

The narcissist lacks whole object relations, which means they see someone or something as “all good” or “all bad.” They are not able to hold the idea that someone or something has both good and bad qualities at the same time.

The narcissist either…

• Loves their job or hates their job
• Loves their neighborhood or hates their neighborhood
• Loves their car or hates their car

When an object is a person, the narcissist’s lack of object constancy becomes a factor

Object constancy provides the belief that a relationship is positive, stable, and intact despite challenges, conflict, or other setbacks.

A person with object constancy believes their relationship is positive and stable even though…

• They had a fight with their best friend
• Their spouse hurt their feelings
• They are working through the challenges of a long-distance relationship with their partner

A narcissist does not have this developmental skill.

• When the narcissist has a fight with their best friend, they believe the relationship is over and plan to never speak to them again.
• When the narcissist’s spouse hurts their feelings (narcissistic injury), they believe the spouse is “all bad” and either choose to punish the spouse into becoming the person they want them to be, or they initiate the discard.
• When they experience the challenges of a long-distance relationship, they decide the relationship is never going to work and end it.

The narcissist’s memory of you

Like other narcissists, covert narcissists lack whole object relations and object constancy. They see you as “all good” or “all bad” and they see the relationship as “all good” or “all bad.” There is no in-between.

When the narcissist sees you as “all bad,” they are no longer able to remember good aspects of the relationship.

The narcissist will not remember

• You made soup for them when they were sick.
• You comforted them at their dad’s funeral.
• You mock interviewed them, and they got their dream job.
• You taught them how to waterski.
• You enjoyed sleepy Sunday mornings in bed together each week.
• You loved your getaways in the mountains.

They cannot remember those things while you are “all bad.” Those memories do not fit the new story they’ve created about who you are.

Likewise, when you flip back to “all good” in their mind, they will not remember the fighting, the arguing, your crying, or their silent treatments. Those memories are incongruent with their belief that you and the relationship are “all good.”

Here’s where overt and covert narcissists differ

When a covert narcissist’s mask has slipped and you’ve seen who they really are, the relationship as you know it is over. They will either discard you or torture you until you discard them.

Their terror from you seeing the truth and the narcissistic rage that ensues pushes you firmly into the “all bad” category.

The covert narcissist remembers you exist.

They do not remember anything good about the relationship. They will smear you far and wide to make it clear that the entire relationship was terrible. They hold no good memories.

It’s not about you. This is all about their disorder.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: Does the Narcissist Hope to Hear from You After the Discard? and What One Thing Leads to a Covert Narcissist’s Final Discard?