BUSINESS, RELIGION
Christian “Influencer” Brittany Dawn Returns to Fitness Roots by Preaching “Healthy” Diet of Starving for Forty Days
Joanna Craig LLC
Social media influencer Brittany Dawn once dubbed herself an “Eating Disorder Soldier.” Turns out she was fighting to support bulimia.
The self-proclaimed “health and fitness expert” was sued for promoting a custom diet plan, one she sold for $300, that did nothing to help customers alleviate their eating disorders. Turns out it was far cheaper and more effective to take a $100 bill, turn it into $1 bills, and eat them when hungry.
Dawn held herself accountable by deleting her profile, recreating it after a few months, claiming she no longer identifies as a “fitness expert”, and promoting herself as a “religious influencer”. Dawn using her Christian rebirth to distract the media from her scam is the equivalent of Kevin Spacey coming out of the closet to distract the media from his child sex assault¹.
We were not surprised that a con artist was hiding behind religion.
- R. Kelly hid behind Christianity to cover up his sex assault on girls. He credited the Vatican Church for inspiration.
- L. Ron Hubbard hid behind Scientology to cover up his greed and get out of paying taxes.
- Big Tech CEOs hid behind Technology to get out of answering basic questions from senile boomers.
We were amused that a “Christian influencer” was such a profession. Influencers use their looks and 20 pounds of makeup to entice horny boys to shell out their money. Doesn’t chasing materialism go against Jesus Christ’s minimalist principles? Even though America celebrates his birth by buying expensive gifts?
We reached out to Dawn on this hypocrisy, who deleted her profile once again. Dawn re-emerged after 40 hours to rebrand herself once again.
“Hi everyone! I’ve decided to no longer identify as a Christian influencer. I’m so proud to announce my new endeavor: religious health influencer!
“I am combining my extensive background in fitness and Jesus Christ to help all you Christian folks achieve your desired weight goal. I have created an extensive diet and fitness plan so that you all can look as shredded and toned as our lord and savior himself. I dub this plan Lent-astic!
“Lent-astic is broken up in two parts. Fasting and Exercising.
“In Fasting, clients will starve themselves for 40 days to survive the temptations of Satan. I know it’s hard to abstain from food when Satan gave us the apple of knowledge. Especially when Satan gave us hilarious satire under the name of Ellie Salvaje.
“But remain strong! Your short term hunger is nothing compared to your chiseled look that can only be pulled off by Christian Bae from The Machinist!
“However, diet is half of the equation. You still need to burn fat to get even leaner. Thankfully, our Exercising regiment details a great program called Crossfit. I’m not referring to the 2010's fitness fad that caused as many injuries as stepping on Legos. I’m referring to the 0 BC fad where Jesus Christ was crucified on a cross for 7 days. This original Crossfit helped Jesus burn far more calories than walking in the desert!
“I haven’t tried the Fasting or Exercising portions of this plan. But as a woman, I can confidently say that I have experienced Exercising of Lent-astic when I bled out for 7 days during my long ass period.
“In no time, you all will be sexy enough to attract a good, rich, handsome Christian man. Like Donald Trump! Speaking of, this video is sponsored by his fantastic beverage Trump Golden Ice. You can be just as rich and vaccine-free as him if you consume his urine.”
We were stunned by Dawn’s lack of shame and remorse for her prior lies. We asked Dawn if changing her career once again was going to solve her problems.
“First off, bold of you to assume I feel embarrassment. I made a video of my husband killing my injured dog instead of taking it to the veterinarian. On the same day my dog got hit by a car. I will do anything for money. Except for OnlyFans. My Christian viewers won’t allow it.
“Second, I’m not the first one to explore a new market. Entrepreneurs try and fail all the time. The fitness market is brutal to survive in. Why else would the Liver King take steroids on the side?
“Even though the Liver King was ostracized for substance abuse, he bounced back. He rebranded himself as a male reproductive influencer after he championed ivermectin as a Viagra supplement.
“That’s what I’m doing. I failed as a fitness influencer. I failed as a religious influencer. But could I come back and succeed as a religious fitness influencer? Third time’s the charm.
“I own up to running away twice in my prior social media endeavors. But it’s OK! Joel Osteen told me that Jesus Christ will forgive me for my scams as long as I beg for his mercy. Jesus is a kind God, after all!”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
Footnote #1: Kevin Spacey was acquitted of all nine charges of sexual assault against him. Regardless, him coming out as gay after 30 men accused him of sex assault is still funny.
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