Being on My Own Side
I’m stepping outside what my family expects of me and doing what works for me
I feel like myself when I am at home spending time with my significant other and dog. I’m relaxed, calm, and happy. Unfortunately, when I am with my parents and extended family, I don’t feel like myself. Instead, I feel like I’m in a straight-jacket, forced to play a role that is a diminished version of myself who must hold her tongue even when others disrespectfully talk over me and make rude demands of me. Everyone in the family seems to have something to say about how I should behave and what I should be doing. There’s the word: should. “Should” is a critical, shame-based statement that creates stress and anxiety in one’s body. It implies one must do something because it is expected by society and family. It is often used in statements aimed to guilt-trip. “Should” implies a moral judgement.
You should be helping out with the family. You must follow Chinese traditions!
You should call and visit your grandmother more often.
The word “should” is used to control.
My parents feel like they need to and can control my life; they tried to make every major life decision for me from where I lived to what I did for work since I was a child. Even when I lived in a different state, they would contact me constantly and try to exert pressure on my life from afar. I used to listen until I wised up and realized they weren’t there and couldn’t control me. They’ve since given up on that when I became an adult and took decisive action to make my own life decisions. Still, on a day-to-day basis, they try to control my actions and the words I use in an effort to save face with the rest of the family, bolster their own self-esteem, and calm their own anxiety from the fear of unpredictability. My relatives are the same, constantly telling me what to do and commenting on my behavior.
Why are my parents so controlling? Why does my family feel the need to constantly monitor me and tell me what to do? The desire for control may be rooted in the fear of uncertainty, according to Emma Dibdin. For some people, especially emotionally immature parents, the need for control can be all-consuming. It is done in an attempt to establish security and predictability for themselves. Outwardly, the person may manipulate others through guilt-trips, playing the victim, criticisms, passive aggressiveness, or other tactics. If one feels the need to control all things and events around them, they may consider themselves a perfectionist, holding themselves (and others) to impossible standards. This habit is problematic as a persistent need to control every situation can take a toll on one’s relationships and mental health.
“Many people don’t feel entitled to self-protection and instead smolder in resentment. Unfortunately, resentment is a passive reaction and doesn’t help you protect or care for yourself. Self-protective instincts can be scary at first because they come in the form of such strong feelings: indignation, outrage, and even hatred. But these are just emotional signals that someone has tried to control or dominate you. These feelings are telling you your inner experiences matter and must be protected.” — School of Life
As soon as I began to fight against my parents’ control, I met with major resistance. The biggest blow-up happened when I decided I was quitting my stable job, moving to a different country, and going to grad school abroad. I had to hit rock bottom of boredom at work, my romantic relationships weren’t going well, and my relationship with my family was very strained. I decided I must make some big changes to save myself from a life of unhappiness, resentment, and imprisonment — even if it meant going against many things my parents expected of me. I was doing what was good for me even if no one else understood it. Unfortunately, my parents were more interested in keeping up the facade of stability and success instead of acknowledging what was good for me.
When I told my parents that I was quitting my job, my parents’ first response was not, “Is something wrong? Whatever it is, we’ll support you.” Instead, my parents laid on a heavy guilt trip. My mother’s response was, “Why would you want to quit your job? You make more money than all your cousins!” The reason I want to quit is because I am about to go insane from burnout and boredom and the money didn’t even matter anymore if it was causing me to suffer to that level. I was prioritizing my mental health. My mother couldn’t understand that. She freaked out and she used every manipulative tactic she could think of to try to get me back in line. My father’s reaction was even worse. He completely blew up and started screaming. Literally screaming on the phone. Both parents actively fought against my decision.
These terrible and absurdly disproportionate reactions demonstrated to me the extent to which my parents expected to control my life. It confirmed that my parents didn’t know who I was nor did they know what was in my best interest. They were simply reacting to their own emotional states which they could not manage. Their reactions validated for me that I was the only one emotionally aware and regulated, and that I needed to take care of myself. I also needed learn more about myself and find out who I was outside of all the expectations imposed on me by my family. I needed to find what worked for me, especially because my family’s expectations and pressures led me to lead a life with no boundaries, consistently attract emotionally unavailable men, and left me feeling stuck in a secure but ultimately unfulfilling job.
I bravely started the most free period of my life where I explored different career paths and went on a healing journey where I confronted many interpersonal issues head-on.
Criticism and control go hand in hand. Criticism is usually used to cause a person to question themselves and thus be easier to control. One of the most demoralizing and frustrating aspects of my parents’ behavior is their tendency to side with other family members when the family member criticizes me. Instead of defending me, my parents agree that my behavior is problematic and needs to be changed. On top of that, they have a tendency to compare me to other family members. They sent me the message “we are not on your side”. Their reaction also sends the message that I should allow others to criticize me and that I should not talk back to avoid rocking the boat. In the most extreme case, my parents’ behavior borders on gaslighting as it suggests the treatment I receive is acceptable when it is actually very hurtful. My parents’ behavior makes me feel alone in my own family.
I imagine a conversation with my relatives:
Me: “Why do you constantly put me down?”
Relatives: “Because my parents put me down and bullying others is my way of making myself feel better.”
Me: “I feel sorry for you. I don’t need people around me who want to put me down. I need people around me who are on my side.”
Some of my family’s controlling behavior and perfectionism must have rubbed off on me because I can be controlling toward others too. I called this my “perfectionist buffer” where I felt my life was doomed if my partner didn’t meet my exceptionally high expectations. This usually led to me being overly critical. Luckily, I have made some progress in letting go of imperfect things as I know the other person did their best. I also got better at tempering down my thoughts when they begin to spiral. However, I do still have a tendency to stick to overly rigid schedules out of fear of not getting enough quality time and affection from my partner. Through therapy, I learned the best way to combat my fear of uncertainty and abandonment is to be intentional about the experiences I want to have and work to create them. Instead of applying my rigid expectations to someone else, I can use my energy to create a habit of relating to my partner differently.
“Why is it that some people find it extremely hard to defend themselves, either in the sense of practically answering back to enemies or simply of not caving in internally in the face of an attack? Why is it that when they are being bullied at work, some people are able to mount a polite, calm fightback, while others melt into self-loathing and despair? Why is it that if they are criticized unfairly in a romantic context, some people are able to point out that the criticism is not right and get their side of the story across and feel steady and solid, while others at once descend into paranoia?
We might put it like this: in order to be able to defend oneself against an external foe, one has to be on one’s own side. And that is not, for some of us, as easy as it sounds. Without us necessarily quite realizing the fact, our entire personalities may be geared towards interpreting ourselves as bad, wrong, a mistake, and shameful. This may sound dramatic and we know in our intellectual adult selves that this can’t be entirely right. Nonetheless, deep down, this isn’t only entirely right, it’s not only slightly right, it is the fundamental truth about us.
…We therefore need to call for help, extend a lot of compassion to ourselves, and devote all the critical care we’re going to need to get through the crisis. We need to grasp love in its life-saving dimension. We need to hear often enough and clearly enough from other human beings that contrary to what the internal enemy is saying, we are decent enough, not perfect, but that isn’t the criterion for deserving to exist. We need to fix ourselves by properly absorbing the kindness of others. We can replace the internalized languages of hate and enmity with love and compassion.” — How to Learn to Love Ourselves More, School of Life
I notice that healthy couples are easygoing, supportive, and forgiving. When I tell my friends who are happily married that I’m worried I look like a bad dog parent or feel guilty about the boundaries I set, they always support me. They tell me to do whatever works for me. They remind me that they know I’m working on it and am trying my best. They are understanding and accepting by nature. When I share good news with them, they tell me, “I’m happy for you" and genuinely mean it. Most importantly, they are on their own side and they extend that same protectiveness to their spouses and friends. They are safe people to themselves and others. I learn from them that I can be on my side too and extend that protection to my partner. I can protect myself from exposure to hurtful people and their exploitative treatment of me. I don’t need to give any explanations. I’m learning to always take my own side and not abandon myself because some family member is trying to influence my behavior.
When I am surrounded by safe people who are on my side, I feel like myself. I am much more comfortable and secure in my own skin. I can be who I am and do embarrassing things or make mistakes and not worry about being criticized for it. I feel more confident and value myself more. I feel seen and heard like the other person knows who I am instead of seeing a superficial version of me that is just filling a role as an Asian daughter, granddaughter, or niece. As much as I can, I try to surround myself with people who help me to feel like myself and minimize the amount of time I spend with people who make me feel like a wooden pole. I actively question any thought that sounds like a “you should” statement as those tend to contain ingrained beliefs that came from my family, not me. The antidote to perfectionism isn’t being good — it’s being loved.
“The antidote to perfectionism isn’t being good — it’s being loved.” — School of Life
Thinking from the perspective of being on my own side is still new for me as it entails slight behavioral changes. It is speaking up when someone tries to pressure me into doing something instead of staying silent and letting it pass. It is saying a firm “no” instead of leaving my answer as “maybe.” It is identifying when a relative threatens to violate my boundaries and setting a foot down so I can reach the outcome I want. It is me making the decision to maintain a large distance from relatives who tend to be critical and controlling. On a more positive note, I learned a new way to treat my partner with compassion and understanding when they express a need. I am on their side now too.