About Me — Patty McMahon

A.K.A. P Mac Insights

Who Am I?

I have often pondered this question on existential terms. Who am I? I end up repeating this in different tones of voice, like a mantra or the caterpillar on ‘Alice in Wonderland.’ Whooo arrrrrre yoooooouuuuu?

It’s something we all contemplate. Depending on our mood, life experiences, or backgrounds, we continuously sift through life’s happenings and our place in this world, on this blue planet, floating around in whatever dimensional realm.

It can get pretty deep when we explore the nature of our reality.

But before your mind gets sucked into the vortex of the balance between inner knowing and universal connection, I will share a bit about myself.

My name is Patty. I married the man who I can feel the silliest around. Am I always silly? Heck no, but I am definitely not insecure around him or trying to be something I am not. Plus, he brings me coffee every morning. If that ain’t love, then I must be confused.

We have two young boys who are a constant source of joy with sprinkles of tantrums here and there. My dog, Sookie, a catahoula border collie mix, lays next to me when I write in the mornings and precedes to follow me around the house throughout the day. I work from home.

I was a teacher but decided not to sign my contract for the 2022/23 school year. I started teaching during a pandemic. You can read about the wildness of teaching online during the stay-at-home mandate here.

The short version is that after all the shenanigans of teaching and raising kids from home, I realized that I didn’t have a very great self-care routine. I started exploring that while teaching 4th grade, summer school, then 5th grade.

Ultimately, I decided I needed to quit drinking (more on that later), and when I quit drinking, I realized, I don’t like teaching elementary that much. I enjoy working with kids, being silly, and helping facilitate learning opportunities. Still, I do not enjoy the pressure to perform or the unrealistic expectations for the salary based on the schedule. Mostly, I didn’t like who I was becoming.

I was getting angry all the time. I would come home feeling defeated, like I wasn’t sure I was making an impact, and just drained. I would get sick a lot and was starting to dislike people. I am a teacher. I want to help people, not avoid them.

I wanted to avoid my own family. Damn, there’s a punch to the gut. I drank wine and zoned out in front of the TV most nights to avoid confronting the issues I faced as an educator.

So, I decided to take a break and write.

Why Do I Write?

I have always enjoyed writing. In 6th grade, I wrote a story and gave it to my librarian to thank her for supporting my creative side. It wasn’t very good, but I was in the zone, focused, and alive when I wrote that 15-page fantasy of a girl taking a shortcut in the woods only to get sucked into a realm where she discovered she was a queen. I am sure you know that feeling.

That summer, I wrote a magazine with a friend. We never distributed it, but it was still fun.

In middle school (we called it Jr. High as if we were the happy meal version of a big mac), I wrote poetry, and he loves me, he loves me not in my journal.

In high school, I was encouraged to be a copy editor for a newspaper. I had no idea what I was doing, Grammarly wasn’t invented back then, but it was cool to be a part of a group that needed to produce a product on a deadline.

In college, I wrote all the damn time. Academic papers, journal reflections on what I was reading, and journal entries on what I was feeling. It wasn’t out of the norm for me to stay home on a Friday night and write until my roommates got home at 2 am.

And now, as a nearly 40-something-year-old, I have concluded that it isn’t that I have to write. I NEED to write.

It’s a part of who I am, how I process information, and how I share. So, I make time, and I do it.

Medium is a great place to write. It’s a great community of writers and readers who are tired of the advertisements found on the big wide web. I read so much on Medium that when I ‘have to’ read an article on a different platform, I often feel lost on the page. So many blinking ads. It’s distracting.

Plus, I feel like I am under a deadline, like back in my high school days. The goal is to stay active on the platform, so I try to publish 3–4 articles a week. It’s been a do-able deadline so far.

And bonus, I have met some really cool people on this platform. The Sober Vegan Yogi, Ayodeji Awosika, Ken Makimsy Middleton, Anu Kumar, Dana Wood, Drew Morrison, Frances Hickmott, Gary Buzzard, Jeremiah Givens, Lyuba Golovina, Ntathu Allen (she/her), Tina Lopez and Beth Bach (she writes about c@ts and I don’t even like them. Ok, some cats I like, but Beth is definitely a cool lady. I could keep listing more!)

But the thing that is cool about this platform is that people with 90K followers still read articles from people with 500 followers.

Back to why I write… it wasn’t until I quit drinking that I knew what I wanted to write about it. But first, why did I decide I wanted to stop drinking?

When Did I Know It Was Time to Look At My Relationship With Alcohol?

I have over a decade of the binge drinking experience. It still feels like I take a gut punch when I admit this. Of course, I have thought about stopping a multitude of times.

You can read my whole story in the article below. But the short of it is that I I spent years searching for that euphoric feeling and the harder I tried to find it, the more dark it got around me.

But it wasn’t until I was in my 30s and had children that I really considered the effects of alcohol on my life. I was raising human beings. How would I be a great parent if being hungover was my normal state of being? What was I communicating to my children at a young age? I knew that ‘mommy’s wine time’ would backfire in my kids’ teenage years.

I started trying to limit my intake. Just one glass would turn into just one more, and then why not? So, I tried restricting myself to just Fridays. I deserve a drink after a long week, right? Either I’d drink too much and need a ‘hair of the dog’ while cooking dinner, or I’d have an open bottle, and god forbid there be an open bottle in the fridge for 5 days.

I knew it was time to make changes, but the fitness challenges I was participating in weren’t working either. I was just working out hungover.

These efforts to cut back or take breaks were stepping stones in my sober journey. But when I was there, I remember feeling alone, depressed, and hopeless. I guess this is just the way it’s going to be.

Why I Don’t Consider Myself An Alcoholic?

It wasn’t like I was binge drinking bottles and bottles of wine every day. But I was consuming alcohol-for the most part-on the regular. I was thinking about alcohol. When’s my next drink? Gawd, I need a drink. How much am I going to drink tonight? Why did I drink last night? You get the picture. I thought about alcohol a lot.

I think the term ‘alcoholic’ is overused and a simple definition for people with a problem with their drinking habit.

I didn’t need alcohol to get through the day. I didn’t wake up drinking-ok, maybe on Christmas. There was a mimosa or two. I didn’t steal or beg for money so I could get a drink. (But then again, I don’t remember my 20s very well… so I might have begged a friend for 10 bucks for a pitcher). But in general, I’d start around 4 and stop when it was time for bed. I’d go to work. Pay my bills. And make sure something was on the table for dinner at night.

There is a slew of new vocabulary terms I am learning about in this sobriety journey. I am not exactly sure what my ‘label’ is, but I don’t identify with the term alcoholic.

How I Got Sober?

After googling am I an alcoholic and searching for ‘rehabs near me,’ I felt incredibly shameful. I knew I had a problem with my drinking behavior, but I wasn’t committed to admitting I had a problem. So, I would feverishly move my mouse over to google and search for yoga retreats. That felt more wholesome.

But still, I didn’t have a few thousand dollars to spend on any retreat. (Jokes on me. Since quitting drinking, I have money in the bank). So, I’d mindlessly scroll through Facebook and sip on some wine, numbing my anxieties about stopping drinking.

Then, this ad popped up again for Sober Sis, a 21-day reset to distance yourself from alcohol so you could get some clarity around your relationship with alcohol. I was interested. I investigated. It was $97 dollars.

I didn’t think I had that money, but when I did the math on how much I spent on alcohol, I soon realized I could fork it over. In an instant, without thinking twice (I mean, cuz really, I had been thinking twice for years), I submitted my information and was in.

In the program, I received daily emails with loads of information about what alcohol is and does to my body. Did you know it takes 10 days for alcohol to leave your system fully? Ya, me neither.

I learned strategies to surf the urge, play the movie forward, and create distance between desire and action. And the best part of this program was the Marco Polo group I checked in with daily to talk about what was going on, what we were learning, and other life triggers.

We still check in daily.

The more I learned about alcohol and my relationship with it, the more I wanted to know, and the more I wanted to share.

How I Stay Sober?

Staying sober isn’t easy, but it isn’t super hard either. I keep a few things in mind daily and try to keep alcohol at the forefront of my mind.

For instance, I never want to forget the bad things alcohol did to me and how I was when I was drinking. Fading Affect Bias is when there has been enough distance between the past and present that you tend to forget the bad stuff. This is problematic when you are trying to quit drinking because it is so easy to romanticize drinking! Even if I do forget, I won’t forget FAB and remind myself that my mind is playing tricks on me.

I keep routines, like my morning routine.

I check in with my sober circles daily and read, listen, or write about all things sobriety every day.

By keeping it in the forefront, I can remember my reasons for quitting drinking in the first place.

How I Give Back to You?

On this alcohol-free living journey, I can’t help but feel compelled to share what I am going through and what I am learning. Hey, I am an educator at heart.

Medium.com is where I predominantly write about my sobriety journey. I also write about other things I observe, like (going to my neighbor’s Mexican birthday party, the act of kindness, and lessons on my yoga mat), but really, people are interested in the alcohol stuff.

How can I tell? Because people who do read my stuff read all the way to the end. They may not comment or like the article, but I can see in my stats that this interests the community.

And harnessing my inner young adult, I also create products, freebees, and resources for people interested in learning more. To check it out, see my GumRoad Page. Or you can subscribe to my email list. I send out stuff often.

Other places I am @:

TikTok Instagram YouTube Facebook Twitter Gumroad Linktr.ee Email List

Thank you for reading this far! I hope that now that you’ve learned a bit more about me, you are willing to connect with me. Please leave a comment about something that resonated with you! I’ll reply back!

DISCLAIMER: Some of these links may be affiliate links. This means that I receive a small commission when you purchase. Also, I am an educator, not a medical professional or a licensed counselor. If you have concerns about alcoholism and/or trauma related healing, including mental health concerns please seek help from the appropriate professional.