What Use to Make Me Feel Free Doesn’t Anymore

Alcohol. My story.

I remember the moment I fell in love with drinking.

I was recently 21, walking, no, dancing in the street with my best friend as we headed to the next bar. Something clicked inside that made me feel like I finally came alive. Everything seemed enhanced, and I liked it.

I was freely moving my body around without a care in the world. I was having fun. I was without inhibition. I felt free. And I wanted every night to be like this night.

So, I tried to do that. For many, many moons.

WHEN ALCOHOL WAS FREEING-UNTIL, IT WAS NOT

I went out a lot.

My slightly older co-workers would too. However, they would not dance on the dance floor to indie rock’n’roll bands. And it wasn’t because they were playing before indie became cool.

“I have so much energy!” I’d yell at them. “How can you just sit there like that?”

They were on their second pitcher. “Because we’re not 21 anymore.”

They meant that they weren’t new to the bar scene, not new to binge drinking.

I thought they were lame-o’s for not dancing with me. They thought I was ‘cute.’

Years later, still going to the bar pretty regularly, I found myself remembering this conversation as I sat in my chair drinking a pitcher of beer with friends. Two young women were wildly dancing to a rock’n’roll band. I thought they were ‘cute.’

Shit. I became my lame-o co-workers. How old was I? 23. I wasn’t ‘21’ anymore. I joined the ranks of the bar patron who just sat there and drank.

It didn’t feel freeing anymore. But I refused to admit it.

Time went on. House parties became cool again. Cheaper. Safer. Less hassle getting home.

Did I have good times? Heck yes, I did.

Did I have times that I don’t remember? Many.

Did I emotionally react, break down, cry, and feel depressed and ashamed about drinking too much? Absolutely.

Did I admit that to myself? Nope.

Instead, I thought something was innately wrong with me.

What was once a freeing experience had turned into a trap. I was trapped trying to find that same free feeling, lying to myself that it was still somewhere. I knew I could find it if I kept searching.

So I chased it. I looked for it every time I drank. Where was that fun, freeing feeling I had?

This makes me sound like an alcoholic, but I don’t identify as one.

I never needed alcohol to function. I kept my jobs just fine. I paid my bills. I owned a car. I stopped drinking or cut back when I felt myself slipping too much. But maybe I am still lying to myself.

Still, I look back at my decade of drinking as the ‘alcohol years.’ It’s where I partied, played, drank too much, and secretly hated myself for being stuck in this up-down cycle. It was fun. But it was also dark, very, very dark.

And then I became a mom. My 30s still are very much about parenting. Still trying to figure it out, but I do the best I can.

MOMMY WINE CULTURE

So, wine and moms have this culture currently in America. Thousands of women cling to their wine, their crutch, as they deal with the throws of parenting. Quite literally, things get thrown. Toys, bottles, food. It leads to tears, screams, time-outs, and lots of anxiety.

Cortisol levels run high in parents during the first years of their little ones’ life. All the crying and screaming has you on high alert-ALL THE TIME! It can be difficult to relax. “Mommy is drinking her wine” becomes the signal for your children to leave you alone.

And I bought into it. I even had wine delivered to my house.

In this culture, it was acceptable to have a glass of wine when you get home from work, as you cook, while you eat, and hey, the bottle is already open, so you might as well finish it. And so, that’s what I did.

I was still searching for that free feeling I had at 21, but I didn’t want to dance in the street or lose all inhibitions. I had children to raise, protect, to care for. I couldn’t lucidly have a dance party in the middle of the street. My neighbors would probably get upset unless we decided to make it a one-time thing with a few weeks’ notice. And there’d be the option to join or leave town because of all the ruckus.

Yes, I wanted that feeling again. But mainly, I wanted to feel relaxed, zen, whoosah, you know, calm, collected, fun!

Wow! The 21-year-old me would have never thought that ‘calm’ would be equated with ‘fun.’ But when you are a parent, at least for me, I want a sense of autonomy, peace, and quiet. That sounds fun.

So, my wine time became mommy time, my quiet zen time- in theory.

I unapologetically had wine in a glass near me from the hours of 5–8, and then I’d help the kids get to bed.

Yes, I freely made this choice. But was I feeling free? No. I didn’t want to lie to myself about that, but I did. I knew I was trapped by alcohol, but I didn’t know how to get out.

THE PITCHER PLANT

Have you seen this plant before?

This is a pitcher plant. It’s a carnivorous plant that lives off of bugs and insects. It lures in its prey with sweet sticky stuff, and they slide into their grave. The insect can’t get out because it’s stuck in the sticky junk. It’s stuck.

That’s what drinking became for me. A cycle I felt stuck in. I couldn’t seem to kick the habit.

And yet I hated how I felt. I was hungover. Irritable. I didn’t like how I was parenting or showing up in life. I felt bloated all the time and was the heaviest I had been in my life. (Minus my first pregnancy-that’s another story).

I started considering how I could stop drinking so much. I’ll just drink on Fridays. That turned into Saturdays too. Ok. Only on the weekends. Then I’d have a ‘rough’ week, and Wednesday felt close enough to Friday. So, since I was doing this, I might as well just do this, right?

I tried limiting the quantity, not the frequency I drank. So, ‘just one 99% of the time turned into what’s the harm in having one more? Followed by, why not, the bottle is open. God forbid I have an open bottle in the fridge for a week, let alone overnight!

These restrictions and limitations didn’t work.

Why? Probably for many reasons, but mainly, I didn’t know what to do instead. I had been drinking regularly since turning 21. That’s about 15 years of drinking habits. Breaking long-term habits is a difficult thing to do.

I was stuck in the pitcher plant, and I didn’t know how to get out.

DECIDING I AM NO LONGER FREE

I remember the day when I fully admitted the truth that I had a drinking problem. It was late. I had my wine and my shows. The kids had gone to bed, but I was still up.

I pulled out my phone and looked up for the 10th time, am I an alcoholic? Rehab near me. Is AA for me? How to stop drinking. I would read a little bit from each article, but none of them had the answers I wanted them to tell me.

So, I started scrolling on Facebook and saw this ad for a 21-day reset challenge. Oh great, not this lady again, I said to myself. I had seen this ad months ago and almost joined, but it cost nearly $100 bucks.

I can’t afford that! But I kept watching her videos. Jen Kautsch was speaking my language. She made me feel not alone.

“To me, it’s not about being perfect…

For years I struggled with what I call the “detox just to retox” loop…I would wake up every morning with good intentions for the day but “wine o’clock” would roll around and I’d fall right back to my habit of an evening drink (or three!)

The truth is, I was exhausted by this back-and-forth tug-of-war.

After a hard day (work, kids, and marriage), I felt entitled to a few drinks so I could take the edge off… I felt guilty as a Mom because I wasn’t setting a good example. I thought the wine was helping but it was actually adding to my anxiety by constantly pulling me down even lower. Alcohol was constantly ripping me off.”

She went on to use seductive foreign words that I had vague memories of their meaning like tribe, sober, mocktail, and what the heck is ‘grey area drinking’? I was curious.

This was the night that I asked myself do I have the money? I opened my bank account and saw my grocery store ‘bar’ tabs accrued over time. The reality was that, indeed, I could afford this program. I was just spending the money on wine, bottles, and bottles of wine.

In a moment’s impulse, I quickly filled out my information and clicked submit. I was in.

I started receiving emails with information and activities that forced me to look at what was going on. One of the first things I did was, made a list of what I liked about drinking alcohol and things I don’t like. I added to that list for two months.

I learned about what alcohol really is (It’s ethanol, people, the stuff you put in your car. It’s also a drug, an addictive drug. Seemed to have forgotten about that one…) and how it affects your body, not just your liver.

I learned tools to try out when I was having a craving, and I became curious about my drinking habits. What is this doing for me anyway? Is this serving me?

This is a lot of information to take in. It’s a lot of information to process.

Part of the challenge asked you to participate in an online group using the Marco Polo app. There, with about 15 other women, I was able to grow.

My master’s thesis was about how people learn best when they can discuss information, synthesize it in their own words, and not just simply select the best answer from a series of choices. Studies confirm this, but better yet, my first-hand experience does.

This group became not only a place for me to explore what I was learning without judgment, but the women have become some of my closest friends even though we haven’t met in person.

Most importantly, though, I was learning to be more truthful about what I thought, what I felt, and who I am. I started seeing the forest instead of focusing on the trunks of trees.

The more distance I got between me and my last drink, I began to feel alive-that same feeling I had when I was 21, dancing in the street with my bestie.

I chased that feeling to arrive at this moment where I felt I was getting my life back.

I didn’t fully realize how much alcohol had a toll on my life. I thought about how much I was going to drink. When was my next drink? How I shouldn’t have drank. It took up so much brain space that I hadn’t fully realized it until I took a break from it.

Once I decided to stop drinking entirely, I no longer had these thoughts, and a whole world became available to me. Availability is freeing. I finally felt free.

Hey YOU!

If you are curious about understanding your relationship with alcohol, here is a list of resources to consider. If you are concerned that you may be an alcoholic, please seek medical advice. Just know, that you are not alone.

Most importantly, keep pursuing your best life. You are amazing and have many dreams to fulfill. Alcohol only gets in your way.

Just have a dance party about it! Download my Spotify Jams.

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DISCLAIMER: Some of these links may be affiliate links. This means that I receive a small commission when you purchase. Also, I am an educator, not a medical professional or a licensed counselor. If you have concerns about alcoholism and/or trauma related healing, including mental health concerns please seek help from the appropriate professional.

Patty McMahon, M.Ed is an educator, a mother, wife, and dog lover writing about sobriety and wellness in the 21st c. Read About Me to learn more. Join her newsletter to get more insights on wellness delivered to your inbox. Follow her on TikTok

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