White People Go Through the 5 Stages of Grief

When you inform them of their (or anyone’s) racism or white privilege

They Actually Go Through the Five Stages of Grief

I gathered this a long time ago, and it is this understanding that allows me to navigate white people’s emotions and feelings when we address honest conversations about race, racism, white supremacy, and white privilege.

A while back ago, I wrote about how white folk’s hyper-sensitive emotional distress in conversations on race is not a permanent residence. As in, the triggered anger and hysteria is not some permanent position to hold. It’s an emotional reaction, and those reactions should be temporary.

Looking back, I did a pretty good job of explaining white fragility and why white people's initial fight or flight response in race conversations needs to be tamed. I even had graphics to illustrate how circular the privilege and emotion are:

I always noticed the Five Stages of Grief in white people’s feelings on intellectually honest, deep conversations on race in America. I never thought to articulate them all until now.

Why Is This Important?

This revelation is deeply important because once you recognize that a white person’s denial, anger, or victimhood cards are stages, you’ll realize that they are not permanent positions; they can be surpassed.

There is, in fact, a light — or enlightenment — at the end of the tunnel.

We just gotta help the white person in question to get there.

Grief is typically conceptualized as a reaction to death, though it can occur anytime reality is not what we wanted, hoped for, or expected. ~ Caitlin Stanaway, Psy.D., Source

So in knowing this, speaking to white people about racism and white supremacy might get easier since you know what the endgame of granted knowledge for them looks like. Knowing what a white person in the acceptance stage looks like matters plenty if you’re informing a white person in the anger, denial, depression, or bargaining stages.

As a white person navigating seemingly, earth-shattering race relations because you’ve been lied to your whole lives, knowing there’s a light at the end of the tunnel may help. You don’t have to be always mad, and that anger is a stage, not some permanent feeling everyone must heed.

Before We Begin

Before we begin, I want folks first to take note that these stages are not always linear; The denial stage can technically be a matter of seconds in their heads, and they’re off to anger and rage.

And rage seems to be the default for many white people. The more conservative, the more right-wing, the more white rage they’ll exhibit. Many don’t ever make it past this one.

A white person can also bounce around. For example, a person can go from denial to anger, then back to denial. You have probably seen it before; I know I have. A white guy can go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression…and almost there…almost there…then back to denial. Or Anger. Right-wing politics loves white rage.

Also, please do not think for a second that white liberals do not share this five stages of grief reaction. I may aggressively critique conservative politics because they built the template for white supremacist nonsense, but just because white conservatives built it, it doesn’t mean that white liberals cannot borrow it. And trust me, they do. White liberals' five stages of grief on race relations is the #1 reason why they do absolutely nothing in regards to executing reparative, restorative anti-racist policies.

White liberals enjoy white supremacy too, thus, are also subject to the same white fragility-oriented reactions white conservatives are.

Let’s get started.

Denial

Denial is a stage everyone has seen before. Talking about the American Civil War? Someone in the workplace (or anywhere) said a passive-aggressive racist joke? How about the auto-defensive posture concerning race relations that protects white people from feeling discomfort? How about the tactic of ignoring behaviors and actions in plain sight?

Denial is one hell of a drug.

Denial is the most common stage we come across. Denial is the first line of offense white people (or those with a white reference group orientation) deploy.

Colorblind policy is a policy of denial, and denial is intellectual dishonesty; it breeds liars. Have you ever dealt with someone who knows something but insisted on blatantly lying in your face? Someone in denial of something? That’s what folks look like when they prescribe “colorblindness” regarding people of color. It’s dishonesty for no reason. Not only is it a practice of autopilot gaslighting, but it is also a policy of silence, requiring everyone — black or white — to be silent in regard to systemic racism. ~ Johnny Silvercloud, Source

As I noted before, colorblind as a sociological policy is a policy of denial. Due to the white supremacist American socialization process, which prevents white people from being empathetic to Black people’s experiences with racism, it is typically uncomfortable for a white person to be informed of systemic racism, historical racism, and how that affects the present, and their white privilege (which ironically includes that coddling white supremacist indoctrination process). This is all deployed to protect white innocence.

Thus, denial happens first. This is why we come across gems like these:

• “The Confederates did not fight to keep slavery!”
• “This isn’t racist…”
• “America is not a racist country!”
• “It’s not about race!”
• “I don’t see color.”
• “We don’t have a problem with racism here.”
• “I don’t have a racist bone in my body!”

This is also why no white person in America admits to having slave owners in their bloodline. If they take this courageous forward-leap of honesty and admit their klancestors had slaves, they take three back-flips back and argue that they “treated them well,” or worse, “the slaves enjoyed it.”

Do not be fooled because they will also employ those who are not white at all to do the denying for them; I call this phenomenon white supremacy ventriloquy.

Black conservatives as pundits function as white supremacy ventriloquy; they perform as Black bodies that the more racially white ignorant people can live vicariously through. ~ Johnny Silvercloud, Source

Denial is like Neo taking the blue pill in the Matrix. But instead of merely taking a single pill, denial, in this case, is the blue pill fluid in a saline bag by the gallon on a rack they can walk around with. The fluid bag is attached to an intravenous needle in their arm, and they squeeze the hell out of it for that rush of denial. Denial, straight to the vein.

Denial is one hell of a drug.

The white supremacist socialization process in America coerces white people to embrace white lies over white empathy and white honesty. Many white people will rather fight you, make you suffer or die, or make you lose your job and position, which brings us to:

Anger (Rage)

Anger. Rage. Wrath. White racial animus. Animosity.

Informing white people of racism or white privilege hurts the white person’s ego. America coddles their mind and souls. They are systemically lied to and want to construct and maintain systems that require you to buy the lie as well.

They are living in Plato’s Cave, and they will be damned if you drag them out with your fancy words and fancy education. The lie protects white innocence. When you — whoever you are — drop gems that infringe on this concept of white innocence, you’re likely to face the wrath of the White Zeitgeist (or, Whitegiest). Because after all, if you are correct, and they are wrong, how can they be a “good person” if they allow all this racism to exist? “What about dad? Mom? Grandad? Grandma? Are you telling me, my family — my bloodline — is evil?”

And yeah…it doesn’t matter if you never judged anyone on the spectrum of good or evil. In white people’s binary thought, evil is inferred. Evil, is implied. Nevermind anyone can stop being racist. Pointing out racism means pointing out evil to a white person, and now you will face their wrath.

They now want to hurt you. This is anger. Wrath. Rage. Fury.

All because you’re trying to tell them the truth. Facts. Reality.

Anger gets rid of you. Anger makes their targets suffer, and their target is you.

I want you to keep in mind that the same people who want to place systemic measures to ensure the world nation is in denial of our pain, also want to keep these poor, manipulated white folk angry.

White people’s anger nets votes and money thrown to politicians.

Those same politicians want to command that white wrath — this white terrorism — for political gains too.

White people’s anger, wrath, and fury — with a gallon of fear — is the reason why all these white supremacist militia groups and political violence gangs exist. The white supremacist politicians are the reason why they still exist.

White people’s racial anger is the reason why gun laws and gun acceptance are racially lop-sided. Kyle Rittenhouse.

White people’s anger, wrath, and fury literally attacked democracy. Alongside attacking people in the streets of Washington D.C., prior to January 6th.

The whitegiest would rather stay angry and deter, degrade and destroy our own democracy than take an L and chill the fuck out.

As I noted before, it’s very possible, and very common, that this appears to be step #1 for many. The denial is in their head for a second and BAM, watch the white rage fly. The problem with this stage, alongside the fact that this stage is nurtured by fucking politicians and political pundits, is that our crazed white person before us is not listening.

Emotion (rage) took over. The white supremacist stat quo will be defended at all costs.

“I thought, and felt in my body, this white person is dangerous. Because they don’t know they’re white. They don’t know they are not an individual. They think they’re an original. They think what they’re about to say is something they came up with, that came to them as a person, not as a white person. They are living a script, they are in a play, and I am caught in it with them. In the past year or two I’ve come to think of “flammability” as a replacement for fragility.” ~ Sun Yung Shin, Source

This is why republicans love this stage so much. They indoctrinate white people that this is natural, the only way. But it isn’t the only way; it’s a stage. It’s not a home, but a bridge to walk across. This anger, this emotion, shall pass.

I cannot provide universal advice that would quell any or all raging white folk. The nuance of case by case basis is paramount here, and I suggest having a lot of skill in deconfliction, anger management, and focus. A white person in the rage stage is immensely difficult to deal with; this goes double as a nonwhite person because they implicitly do not view you as a valid source of information anyway. This may require a white asset to intervene. If I may make a recommendation, I’d argue to use patience and time to your advantage.

Before we finish with this part of the lecture, please understand that aggression, in this case, can be passive or direct. Direct rage and aggression are easy to identify; it is the tool of most men, especially white men. Passive aggression is used by all, but it’s the primary tool of white women. While a white man in racial rage may directly threaten you and your livelihood, white women will seek the passive-aggressive course and do reputational damage behind your back; start rumor mills; or employ other people, especially men or institutional systems to cause you harm. A Karen calling the police on a Black person, knowing police often murder Black people on sight? Yeah, that.

Bargaining (Bullshitting)

Bargaining is a stage I have never seen last too long. Bargaining is a relatively tame stage compared to the rest. In the stage of bargaining, they may state conversation neutralizing clichés, and thought termination clichés like, “well, let’s agree to disagree,” and shit like that. Intellectually dishonest ploys like “centrism” will be observed. Expect to see accountability termination clichés like, “why can’t I have an opinion?” and, “what about free speech?” and of course, bullshit constitutionality arguments (even though no one is serving federal indictments). You’ll find the “why is it always about race?” and “race card” accusations played here. But wait — there’s more:

Support the flag. Support the troops. Patriotic; play obtuse. Pinky swear, on a truce. Support the vets; lick my boots.

Expect to see them attempt to erroneously consider your facts opinions. Expect to see them act like your informed highly intelligent assessments and experiences are on equal ground with their unstudied, ignorant opinions.

Expect bullshit, for lack of a better term.

Bargaining may appear friendly, but it’s passive-aggressive and gaslighting as hell.

This is important because if the person is your friend, they may put your friendship on the table and threaten to leave. You got your eye on the sparrow, but learn how to keep your eye on the hawk; you may focus on “friendship,” but you need to focus on the fact that the person is using a threat.

Be unfettered. Know how to call them out. You cannot be twarted by this; if they was a real friend anyway, they wouldn’t use friendship departure as a chip on the table. Even if they do not back down, let them go.

Always be mentally prepared to lose racist ass friends. Learn to be okay with losing bitchass white supremacist friends.

The bargaining stage is the point where you feel the light at the end of the tunnel, but they keep gaslighting. Be prepared to lose friends who adhere to white supremacy, but also have the patience and, more importantly, skill to navigate this stage.

Depression (White Victimhood)

The depression stage is the white victimhood stage. Depression, in this case, is where they attempt to use your empathy against you. This is the “my white feelings are valued more than your Black lives” stage.

Unlike the bargaining stage, this one can be long and can be a permanent home for the white person at hand.

Remember when I pointed out passive aggression? Expect a lot of that.

White people in America are indoctrinated to use their feelings to influence your decisions because they intrinsically know that everyone in America is socialized to prioritize white feelings over all else. Especially Black people.

They may not say it. They may not explicitly know it. But implicitly, white people have been inculcated to view Black people (or nonwhites) as side characters in their main story. As servants. As the Black friend, you’re the faithful Black sidekick, as informed by thousands of movies we all consume. Servants.

You, as a nonwhite person, are not the subject of your own story, but the object in theirs.

Thus, the white person will weaponize their feelings in the moment. While they are doing the most to disintegrate the situation at hand, you must stay vigilant and unfettered.

The breach of this racial paradigm will be a shock to the system of many. It’s almost like we, as Black people, break a social contract. Tear it up and throw the confetti in the air.

Acceptance (Enlightenment)

Acceptance. Appreciation. Approval. Moving on. Everything is going to be okay.

I’m made smarter. I got good friends. Life is good.

Acceptance is where the white person finally makes peace with reality, makes peace with the facts, and makes peace with the truth. They come out knowing that, technically, realistically, holistically, all else that took place before were stages, and they walked the walk.

If this was a white friend who was just racially ignorant in the moment, the friendship between you and them is made more salient due to the fact that they just realized you had their best interest at hand.

This white person is not only more informed and made better at self-reflection, they are positioned to challenge others in their white supremacist paradigms. They may be craving more knowledge on sociology, racism, sexism, and more. They become less likely to get defensive. As a matter of fact, they may begin to own their own racism and own their own sexism. And in so doing, this measure of self-reflectance makes them actually less racist and sexist among their less self-reflecting peers. They may begin using their white privilege against white privilege systems. It’s a beautiful sight to behold; believe me.

Overall

When everyone realizes that these are stages, not homes of residence, the world will be a better place.

I want those who engage in this anti-racism work to understand that we will not be able to save everyone. Also, time must be an understood element. For many white people, they require a white person to tell them the truth. We cannot take offense to this; after all, why not employ white people to tell other whites the truth as white supremacy employs nonwhites to tell other nonwhites lies?

I will probably die a failed man when it comes to this handling of white assets, this life-long attempt to make damn good white assets against white supremacy. I will probably die before I truly see the fruit of this intellectual labor.

Yet, I still believe it can be done.

To believe that people cannot be made better people, I’m not sure how to live with that.

So, I continue to do. Not try, do.

Challenge yourself to be the Unfettered.

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