30 Life Lessons from a Thirtysomething
With a checkered past of colorful rebellion
Over my lifetime, I’ve worn many hats and learned a great deal. I’ve had massive wins, many near mishaps, some epic failures, a crippling collapse and a hard-fought recovery.
I’ve been a hard-drinking agency leader, a people pleaser, a high-anxiety perfectionist, a golden boy, a serial monogamist, a wandering black sheep, a ladder-climbing cog in the corporate machine, a client punching bag, an untapped writer, a David to Goliaths, a resentful expendable, an overstretched empath, a second-time career builder, a family therapist…
More than anything else — I’ve been a student of people and life. Throughout my rocky and volatile path, I’ve kept my eyes open and taken note of the many painful lessons so I could share them with you.
1. Curiosity is not a weakness
It takes strength to admit you don’t know and be open to new perspectives that could change your opinions.
2. Vulnerability is a product of strength
Many view vulnerability as a sign of weakness, but, in fact, the opposite is true. You have to be secure, confident and courageous to open up and reveal your soft spots.
3. Cynicism is stunting
When you think you’re smarter than the system, then you’ve closed off your mind to new insights and left no room to expand your knowledge.
4. Choose happiness over being right
Happiness can be reciprocally satisfying, whereas esteem built on the back of being right is hollow and relies on the need to prove others wrong.
5. Align with your authentic self to attain fulfillment
If you adhere to your core values of self and allow them to guide your personal and professional path, you can achieve true satisfaction.
6. Failure is inevitable
The eternal pursuit of success is, in itself, a failure to prioritize what matters most. If you learn a lesson, failure is ultimately an opportunity for gain.
7. Discomfort is the only way to grow
You must expand your horizons into the unknown, unfamiliar and uncomfortable to develop new skills and talents.
8. Thick skin can suffocate love
When you toughen up your outer layer to manage criticism more effectively, you can also cut off your ability to exchange compassion and love with others.
9. Our fears can control us
Our insecurities and fear of social rejection are a deep and primary root cause behind much of our decisions and behavior.
10. Shame undermines esteem and agency from within
A negative legacy emotion, shame is an irrational form of self-sabotage that makes us feel powerless.
11. The bonus is never worth it
No matter how much money is on the table, the sacrifice of morals, health, time and social connections aren’t worth it. The sacrifice is always greater than the pay.
12. Emotions will pass if you wait them out
Like clouds passing overhead, emotions will eventually pass. They are not facts, but they hold clues to your deeper opinions.
13. External praise and validation are conditional
The admiration of others is contingent upon acts that are fleeting — the warm glow of praise can vanish quickly and is flimsy substitute for true self-esteem.
14. Listening is the most underutilized skill
Everyone in life wants to be heard and have their opinions validated by others; people who use this skill effectively can build trust and connect deeply with others.
15. Trauma can allow for incredible growth
When traumatic experiences shake your very foundation, they offer the opportunity to build from a different blueprint.
16. You can be as happy as you want to be
For many, happiness is actually a choice that can be actively pursued and reinforced by using cognitive-behavioral techniques to tap into the brain’s neuroplasticity.
17. Numbing never makes anything better
Using drugs, alcohol, sex and food to numb out is nothing more than a temporary respite from pain, which often leaves you worse off than when you began. Trust me — detox is not fun.
18. Hurt people hurt people
People who are abusive to others often have learned their maladaptive thought and behavioral patterns as a result of trauma that they have endured.
19. We are always biased toward our existing beliefs
Confirmation bias causes us all to seek out information that confirms our existing beliefs and ignore evidence that might undermine them.
20. Esteem comes from within
True self-worth is built from within once we stop trying to conform to the expectations of others and accept our individual quirks, talents and imperfections as enough.
21. Resolve to be respected instead of being liked
People pleasers will do anything to be liked, which opens the door for manipulation. Respect is a line in the sand others are careful not to cross.
22. Only the truly wise admit they don’t know
Certainty is sophomoric, and overconfidence is overcompensation. Wisdom lies in the understanding of the limits of what you know and the openness to the continual expansion of your knowledge.
23. To control your emotions, first control your thoughts
Where you choose to focus your thoughts can dictate either the volatility or the serenity of your emotions. Meditation helps to practice intentionality and control of thought.
24. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen
The self is the only thing we control. Others’ actions are not dictated by our unrealistic expectations, which are setups for let downs.
25. How others describe you says more about them than you
Words spoken by others are a reflection of what is going on inside their mind, as opposed to an objective evaluation of you. Don’t grant their words power they don’t deserve.
26. Slow down
If you live life like a race, your finish line will come early. Savor the present while you still have it.
27. Sleep, exercise and healthy eating do more than you think
We are not machines, but even they need maintenance and repair. Healthy life choices can add up to a big impact on your body and mind.
28. Don’t cede control of your emotions
Others can only control your emotions if you allow them to do so. When others act, it is your choice whether to react impulsively or respond calmly.
29. Anxiety is the fear of things that haven’t happened yet
Step back into the present and focus on what you can control — the self.
30. Eliminate the ego to be free
The mind sits within a cage of self-desire. We can step out of the shackles of self-interest if we seek compassionate connection with that which is greater than the self.
