Confessions of a Corporate Perfectionist
The Pursuit of Gold Stars and Performance Ratings
For the last dozen years, I’ve been a perfectionist. I never thought there was anything wrong with that; my work was just better…Don’t we all strive for perfection?
It might not seem like a big deal, but, at least in my case, it’s a symptom of something much deeper. It’s evidence of an attempt to control others and sidestep criticism. It’s evidence of an obsession with success.
In corporate America, perfectionism doesn’t really get a bad rap. Sure, employees will complain when a perfectionist holds up a project or micromanages junior staff, but spotless final products generally earn praise and high regard.
In lines of work that involve the preparation of executive reports and presentations, I’d even say that certain leaders are on the lookout for talent with perfectionist tendencies. For a long time, I was that guy.
In response to my long hours, executives would sometimes say: “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.” But when those same execs caught an error or an oversight, you could be sure that I would be the first to know about their disappointment.
On the inside, it could be a nightmare. As a client lead at my agencies, I typically worked with the client’s senior most executives, often in the C-suite. It was not uncommon for some of our reports to reach the client’s CEO and board of directors.
Perfection Done My Way
I was maniacal. Most of my colleagues never knew this, but I would sometimes sit and review a single email for hours. My fine-toothed comb had its own much more finely toothed comb. Emails that were sure to be shared at the highest levels would involve a multi-stage, meticulous review.
First, I’d make sure all the content was included and accurate. Billing often involved three separate calculation checks. In my defense, some of these monthly invoices could reach $250,000; accuracy was important. Next, I’d check all the spelling and grammar.
Finally — and this is where I’d spend a lot of time — I’d read the full email repeatedly to try to determine whether a misread by the client was possible. In other words, could they possibly read something in my tone or word choice that was not intended? Was I too direct in that invoice memo? Did I offer enough upfront rationale to prevent them from blowing their lid when they saw the number?
From time to time, my perfectionism took on a mind of its own and tried to solve for problems that would likely never exist. I’ve spent countless hours sitting on my couch in the middle of the night, typing and retyping long, detailed emails to clients, internal executives, colleagues, direct reports.
I’ve burned hours texting my team and checking work when out with friends. I’ve halted romantic dates to attend to “important” emails. I’ve ducked out on holiday dinners to catch colleagues up to speed on breaking client news. I even kicked a guy off my account team from the fairway of the second hole during a holiday round of golf.
It wasn’t just email or calls. I’m a writer by trade so, at various points throughout my career, I could have been agonizing over the wording in a pitch deck, a strategy memo, a byline, an earnings script, an M&A release, a results report, a customer product recall notice, a holding statement for use with media, etc. The opportunities to let my perfectionism run wild were endless.
Did my perfectionism result in anything good? Of course, it did. Executives tapped me for critical assignments with high exposure. I was trusted to handle multi-million dollar accounts by myself at an early age. Clients loved that they rarely had to change what I delivered, which meant that the most anal-retentive clients often pursued my services (yay).
Was It Worth It?
Decidedly not. My former line of work is dominated by a “what have you done for me lately” state of mind. Praise would begin to evaporate the very moment it left the tongue. And when you’re constantly raising the bar on performance, failure is inevitable, and burnout is all but assured.
I missed key moments in my life for my job, the pursuit of perfection and the chase after more complicated accomplishments. I’ve missed weddings, funerals, holidays, vacations, double dates, movie nights, BBQs, BYOBs, etc.
Attending those experiences would have been nice, but the primary problem was that I’d lost the ability to be present in the moment. If I wasn’t working, I wasn’t really there. Either my head was still churning on a growing “to do” list, or I’d be checked out — zoning out to mindless TV with a cocktail in hand.
Looking back today, I really do feel guilty for making others endure the misery that I forced upon myself each and every day. My mind was trapped in an endless cycle of worry, anxiety, stress and unmanageability. It was a balancing act that I was always doomed to fail yet never willing to concede.
As I’ve explained in several other pieces, the work was hard and my responsibilities consistently pushed me right up to the edge of sanity, but I took all that pressure and fed it rocket fuel in my mind.
What Is Perfectionism Really?
Shame Researcher and Storyteller Dr. Brené Brown recently opened my eyes to what was really going on behind the scenes of my obsession with precision.
“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame,” explains Brown in “Daring Greatly.”
It turns out that my mind had pulled a neat little trick. I chose not to look honestly at my perfectionism as a maladaptive behavioral pattern or an attempt to dodge shame. Instead I viewed it as professionally sanctioned and mission-critical to the achievement of success.
“Perfection is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame,” writes Brown. “Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen.”
Upon further review, I was extremely focused on avoiding blame or criticism. My maniacal focus on details, attempts to prevent negative reactions and unwavering desire to exceed goals were all evidence of my need to be free of fault.
Lugging that shield around all day in attempt to protect myself was hard. It drained all of my energy and mental strength. My life experience is actually living proof that this kind of obsession is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction and life paralysis or missed opportunities.
So, What Went Wrong?
“Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Most perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule following, people pleasing, appearance, sports),” writes Brown.
Check, check, check, double check, check, double check.
“Somewhere along the way, they adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: ‘I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect.’”
I don’t remember being one of Brown’s research subjects, but let’s just say that she nailed my childhood right there. When I behaved well, excelled in school or won, I received rewards and attention. To a shy little kid with a self-esteem problem, this external validation felt like the perfect thing to fill the deficiency I felt inside.
All I needed to do was continue to overachieve. Rinse and repeat a few thousand times, and here we are today. A’s turned into bonuses, and grade levels turned into titles. My insecurities grew alongside my ego and out the imposter syndrome came.
My desire to ensure perfection all around me was an attempt to prevent someone from poking a hole in my flimsy façade that had been built on golden stars and performance ratings of exceed expectations.
Where Am I Now?
Today I see perfectionism for what it is — an unattainable ideal conjured to attract external praise, shelter fragile egos from nagging insecurities and give the appearance of control.
Having worked in marketing and public relations for 15 years, where slick and shimmering are an industry MO, I’m now highly skeptical of anything or anyone who attempts to hide all their flaws. Instead I view our human flaws and imperfections as the real “beauty marks” upon which our characters are built.
I’m currently in pursuit of healthy, self-focused achievement (as opposed to other-focused perfectionism). I am going back to school to pursue a new career that is filled with meaning and purpose. I am finally comfortable in my own skin and do not live on a conditional continuum dictated by others’ opinions.
In a way, it is fortunate for me that I had a traumatic experience before the pandemic began. I entered this period grounded and centers. I’ve been able to use my time alone reconnect with my authentic self, identify and discard unnecessary attachments, unlearn societal conventions of success and forge a new career path that is dictated only by the truth that I find within.
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