10 Signs He’s Sexually Secure

And sex is going to be so much better because of it

Once in a while, I’ll write an article that includes some filthy details about my sex life.

I’ve done it when I shared sex tips because I think it’s helpful to know what those look like in action.

Sometimes I’ll include them because I’m reviewing a sex toy and I want readers to get a really good sense of what it’s like to fuck or masturbate using it.

And if I’m going to be perfectly honest, I’ve occasionally slipped in some dirty details because I was feeling frisky and wanted to write a titillating piece.

Some people have told me those articles made them horny, which I suppose is to be expected.

Others said the descriptions made them want to try some of the moves I mentioned, which is just plain awesome.

But what I didn’t expect was how many comments I would get specifically about my husband.

Don’t get me wrong, I think he deserves all the praise and attention he gets. He’s sweet and caring, funny and kind, a great husband, and a really good fuck.

He’s also very sexually secure.

That’s what seems to really stand out to some of my readers and the people who listen to the podcast I host with him.

I’ve even had a lot of women reach out to ask me how they can find a guy like him. Specifically, someone who is genuinely sex positive. A guy who can be open and communicative about sex — or at least not be weird about it.

They’ve noticed a pattern. They keep meeting men who seem great. They’ve got some charm. They look like they’ve got their shit together. It barely matters what they do because they love their company.

But they’re so insecure when it comes to sex that they end up making things uncomfortable or awkward.

And it’s hard to get excited about sex when the guy they’re with has trouble being chill when they talk about it, let alone when they have it.

I’m not exactly sure how to meet a sexually secure guy. I basically lucked into mine. But I do know some of the things to look out for. These are the big signs that the guy you’re with is sexually secure.

He’s Cool With Your Masturbation Habits

I masturbate pretty regularly. I’ll even do it when I have the option of fucking my husband. Sometimes, I’m just not in the mood for sex but I’d still love a nice, satisfying orgasm. Once in a while it’s because I’ve been fucked a-plenty and I miss the unique experience of going solo.

And my husband’s fine with that. We’re extremely open about our masturbation habits and he totally gets that sometimes I just feel the urge to jill off.

But that’s not the case with everyone.

Some guys are really uncomfortable knowing their partner masturbates. It’s like they believe no one should be giving her an orgasm except for him — even if she’s just giving it to herself.

It can be a double standard, too. I’ve heard of women who deal with negative reactions to their jilling habits from guys who wank on the regular.

I get the impression that it’s often because they worry about their performance. Some guys think that if they’re good enough at sex, their partners won’t ever feel the need to masturbate. So when they find out that she’s been buffin’ her muffin, they think it’s because she’s not sexually satisfied.

Sometimes, it comes from a darker place. When I write about living with a low libido, I usually advise women who can’t get it up for sex to masturbate without guilt. Invariably, I’ll get angry comments from men telling me it’s absolutely unreasonable for a woman to masturbate if the guy she’s with wants sex.

Basically, they feel that women owe their partners sex and masturbating cheats them out of all that sweet, sweet reluctant fucking.

I delete those comments because that’s messed up. No one owes anyone sex. That’s not how consent works, let alone desire.

You should be enjoying self-pleasure whenever you want, however often you want. And no one should have a problem with that.

Your masturbation is about you. A sexually secure guy won’t make it about him.

He Doesn’t Look Down on You Because of Your Number

I don’t actually have a problem with people asking how many guys and gals I’ve fucked or fooled around with.

It can be a little forward if you’ve just met each other, I suppose. But to me, that’s just part of getting to know someone.

It’s the motive behind the question that can be a problem.

I love learning about people’s past sexual experiences. Partners, friends, or strangers — it doesn’t matter. That stuff is fascinating to me.

But when a guy asks you how many dudes you fucked, it’s not always out of curiosity.

He might not be trying to learn more about you. He might be trying to figure out whether he would consider you a slut.

You can usually tell by his reaction. If he acts disappointed by your answer, he was probably hoping it was lower and is judging you because it’s not.

Most sexually insecure guys won’t blow up at you for having a relatively high number of sexual experiences. Instead, it’s the kind of thing that will keep bothering them and it’ll come out in little ways.

Usually, it’s passive aggressive comments. Maybe he’ll tease you for being slutty but you can tell he’s not doing it playfully.

Or if you give them feedback about anything he does in bed, he might retort with something bitchy like “Well sorry if I haven’t fucked as many people as you have.”

Your past is your past and a sexually secure guy is going to be fine with it. He won’t worry that your experience makes you less satisfied with him. And he definitely isn’t going to believe bullshit ideas about sexually experienced women being “damaged goods” or whatever.

He might get curious about your sexual history. Maybe he even gets turned on by some of it. But he’s never going to look down on you for it — even those nights that weren’t your proudest moments.

He’s Not Upset if You Can’t Come

Any guy you fuck should be trying to make you come.

I know that sex is about so much more than just the orgasms. There’s teasing and sexual tension. There’s arousal and desire. There’s the passion you feel during foreplay. There’s the incredible sensation of having someone’s mouth on you. There’s the deep and intense pleasure of fucking hard.

All of that is amazing and essential. I would never want to get rid of any of it.

But it’s always a bit disappointing if you don’t get to come at the end. And it’s extra frustrating if your partner doesn’t put in a decent effort to get you there.

A guy who’s sexually insecure, though, feels a very strong need to get you there. It’s not so much that he really wants you to have a great time — it’s more that he can’t stand knowing he wasn’t able to bring you to a climax.

It’s an ego thing. And you can usually tell when it is because sex stops being fun when he becomes way more invested in your orgasm than you are.

He won’t accept you saying that it’s just not going to work this time. He’ll fuck you faster and harder to try to get you there anyway. He’ll rub your pussy so vigorously it’s like he’s trying to scrub your clit off.

You’ll feel uncomfortable, you’ll probably end up quite sore, and you’ll very seriously consider faking an orgasm to put an end to it.

You won’t be tempted to fake it with a sexually secure guy, though. Even if he’s working hard to make you come, your orgasm will always be more about your pleasure than his boasting rights. When you say you’re done, he’ll respect that.

He Can Take Instructions

What kind of sex you want is going to change constantly, at least in little ways.

Some days, you might want slow sensual sex. Other days, you might be in the mood for a rough, primal fuck.

Once in a while, you’d rather get fingered than eaten out.

If you’re feeling more sensitive than usual, you’ll want your clit stimulated softer and more slowly.

And if you sense that you’re falling into a rut, you’ll want to break the routine completely and want your guy to do something completely new.

If he’s sexually secure, no problem. You’ll say go slower and he’ll go slower. You’ll tell him you’re getting bored of the same three positions and he’ll be sitting next to you in bed while you google new ones together. It’s all good.

If you’re fucking a sexually insecure guy, though, it goes a bit differently. Chances are, he’s going to ignore your instructions during sex and act like he didn’t hear them.

That’s because he doesn’t hear them as suggestions or requests. He hears them as criticisms — of him, of his skills, of the way he fucks.

Listening to your feedback would be like admitting he’s bad at sex.

So, he doesn’t. He insists to himself that he knows what he’s doing. He carries on the way he did before because that lets him feel like everything he’s done to you has been amazing.

Ironically, because he’s scared of admitting that he’s not perfect at pleasuring you, you’ll end up having worse sex. It might even make you reluctant to give feedback in the future because you know it’s going to be pointless.

He Likes Hearing About Your Fantasies — Even if He Can’t Fulfill Them

I’ve shared all of my sexual fantasies with my husband. That includes all the ones he couldn’t fulfill even if he wanted to.

I have a lot of experience gap fantasies. I get off to the idea of being a bit naive and innocent, of having someone with more experience show me the ropes, teach me how to have good sex, and hold my hair while they instruct me on how to give my first blowjob.

Needless to say, there’s no way for us to live that one out. He isn’t more experienced than I am, and every wild sex thing we’ve tried, we’ve tried together.

He especially can’t fulfill my fantasies of having sex with someone who has a smaller dick than he does.

I wish I could give head to someone with a cock I can fit more easily into my mouth. I could get really enthusiastic, take most of it in, and suck it for as long as I wanted to. I also would love to get my ass fucked by someone with a slimmer one. The ease, the comfort, and the ability to get pounded more easily are all major turn-ons for me.

But he doesn’t have that kind of body so that’s that.

I’m also highly attracted to tattooed hipster dudes, but he’s got no tattoos and likes to say he rocks a “cabin dad” style.

And there’s no way for him to fulfill my countless fantasies involving me loving up on a lady.

I don’t hesitate to tell him about all the things I get off to because I know he’s not going to get upset about it.

And that’s the thing, a sexually secure guy will love to hear about your fantasies because they’re your fantasies. It’s part of learning more about you, how your desires work, and what kind of kinky things go on in your mind.

The fact that you want something he can’t give you isn’t going to make him feel inadequate. Neither is you being into a type of guy that he just isn’t.

He Doesn’t Mind Using Sex Toys

Using sex toys is hella fun. They make sex even better than it already is, which is saying a lot.

So far this year, I don’t think I’ve had sex a single time without at least one vibrator being involved.

But I know that some sexually insecure guys are put off by vibrators. They might be okay with their partner owning one, but it won’t ever make an appearance when they’re having sex.

They only want to fuck without toys because they feel like they’re competing with them.

A secure guy, though, knows that toys are just a way to enhance sex. Wanting to use one doesn’t mean he sucks at getting you off or that sex with him is boring. He gets that good enough could still be better and he’s all for anything that improves the experience.

Being with a guy like that makes your sex life so much more exciting. You can shop for sex toys together. You can get more creative in the bedroom. You can have extra orgasms, stronger orgasms, and better orgasms because you can use anything that will help you achieve them.

Plus, you might end up deciding to masturbate instead of having sex, but it’s never going to be because you miss your vibrator.

He Doesn’t Shame You for Wanting Something Outside His Comfort Zone

There are a few sex acts that seem to be especially touchy for some sexually insecure guys. If you suggest one of them, he might get defensive or even get mad at you for it.

Pegging and prostate play is a big one. A fair number of guys are into it. Plenty of them are not. But some find the mere suggestion to be practically offensive.

Anything involving or resembling femdom is another one. Again, there are guys out there who love getting dominated by a woman. They’ll be eager to get the bondage gear if you tell them you’d be into tying them down, spanking them, and making them lick your boots because they forgot to address you with “yes, mistress.”

Some guys, though, will get really upset if you even bring it up.

They might get offended. They might get really defensive. They might get angry. Often, they’ll have such a strong reaction that they’ll shame you for wanting it at all.

When you’re with a guy who’s sexually secure, you can propose trying any kind of activity and it won’t lead to that kind of outburst, even if it involves his ass.

He won’t get upset because he thinks you wanting to peg him means you think he’s kind of gay (because it doesn’t and so what if it did, but insecure guys seem especially incensed over that sort of thing). He doesn’t think you see him as less of a man just because you want to domme him real good.

He knows these are just things you want to try and if anything he’s probably flattered that you wanted to try them with him, even if he takes a pass on it.

He’s Not Threatened by Your Exes

A lot of the people I’ve fucked were at my wedding. Pretty much all of my husband’s exes were there, too.

Realizing that we had invited so many of them was kind of funny, but it also made sense. We had some good times with them, cherished the memories, and even though the relationships didn’t last we still felt close to some of them.

That kind of thing wouldn’t fly with almost any insecure guy. If you’ve fucked someone and kept them in your life, he’ll treat that with suspicion. If he’s controlling on top of being insecure, he’ll probably want to limit your contact with any ex.

In fact, the one person missing at our wedding was my husband’s first girlfriend. We invited her and she was excited to come, but her boyfriend wouldn’t let her attend because he felt put off by it — even though he would’ve been there as her plus one.

Even if none of your exes are in your life anymore, he might still be threatened by them.

He’ll look for some kind of reassurance that he’s the best fuck you’ve ever had. And if you imply that someone else was hotter, banged you better, had more pussy eating skills, or just managed to create intense sexual chemistry, he might start obsessing over it.

When you’re with a secure guy, you can be open about that stuff.

I’ve had great sex with my husband, but there have been a couple of guys who managed to make me feel downright subservient to them. It’s like they hotwired my submissive side and I became extra compliant.

My husband’s into sexual dominance and I’m sure he would love to get me in that state, and he’s aware that others have. But it doesn’t bring out his competitiveness. He works on dominating me and getting me to submit, but he does it on our terms. He doesn’t compare it to what I did with others because he’s not threatened by guys who aren’t even in my life anymore.

He’s Not Worried About His Dick Size

A lot of guys email me about their dicks. Usually, they have about average length (no clue about the girth) and want to know if it’s enough to satisfy a woman.

And yeah, of course it is. Being able to pleasure a woman sexually doesn’t have much to do with dick size.

There are genuine size queens out there who won’t be happy unless the guy has at least seven or eight inches, but they’re honestly pretty rare. If anything, most women find sex with a bigger dick to be a bit more challenging — and I’m in full agreement with them.

Even though the going opinion is that size doesn’t matter that much, this is a major source of insecurity for a lot of men.

Except for a secure guy. A secure guy isn’t all that concerned with the size of his dick. He’s fine with whatever he’s packing.

He’s not going to get mopey and complain that you’d probably like sex with him more or be more excited to fuck him if he was well hung.

He’s not going to insist on buying XXXtra Large condoms to sheathe a cock that isn’t XXXtra Large.

He’s comfortable with the fact that you’ve fucked guys who had longer dicks and thicker dicks. He definitely doesn’t expect you to lie and tell him his cock’s the biggest you’ve ever had the good fortune to lay your eyes upon.

And he won’t get depressed if he finds out you like jilling off to porn that features guys with massive cocks.

He Can Struggle to Perform Without Making It a Huge Deal

For about a week last year, my husband was dealing with some major anxiety. We still had sex because it didn’t keep him from being horny — I’m not sure anything can. But he did have a difficult time getting hard and staying hard.

That’s unusual for him. He’s normally got a rod on when foreplay starts right up until he’s coming on my ass.

On those anxious nights, though, he stayed soft during some of the foreplay and even fucked me while he was half-flaccid.

That was out of the ordinary but it didn’t surprise me too much — stress is very literally a boner killer.

We just rolled with it.

I stroked his soft cock while he rubbed my pussy.

He fucked me when he was semi-hard and it still felt pretty good. Not quite as pleasurable as it normally was, but it still felt great and made me come a few times.

When we were done, we did some debriefing. We talked about what we should do if it happens again. Maybe I could suck him off instead of stroking him — that way, I could feel what it’s like to blow a soft cock and he might have a better chance of getting hard. We talked about which toys we would use to make things easier.

When a secure guy can’t get hard, it doesn’t send him into a tailspin. He’s also not going to lose any sleep if he came more quickly than usual.

He might laugh it off, take a few moments to figure out how to adjust what he’s doing, or ask if you have any suggestions for how to proceed. He’ll just keep going with the flow and find ways to keep having fun even if his dick isn’t behaving the way it normally does.

And he is never, ever going to blame you for it. No snide comments about how maybe if you were doing something dirtier, he could get aroused. No lashing out because coming too quickly made him feel like he underperformed. That’s some insecure shit and he won’t put you through it.

Managing Insecurities Is Hot

Sexual insecurities don’t have to be a deal breaker. I have plenty of them. I’m sure my husband has his share of them, too. We all do.

What matters is how well a guy manages his and if he’s willing to work on them.

Sexually secure guys aren’t usually guys who have no insecurities whatsoever. They just have a handle on them. They’re willing to learn to cope with them and take a healthier attitude toward them.

If he can communicate openly about his feelings. If he can handle not being weird whenever he doesn’t feel like some kind of sex god. And especially if he doesn’t take any of his insecurities out on you — then you know he’s secure enough.

Which is such a great thing. Being sexually secure makes a guy seem a lot more confident, which makes him more attractive. It also makes him so much more fun to fuck.

If you’re with a guy who’s A-OK with his dick size, who can listen to you talk about your deepest fantasies and hottest sexcapades, and who never makes you feel like you have to hide things from him, you’ve got one who’s on the right track. And there’s a good chance you’re having way better sex because of it.

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