8 Signs I Was Bisexual (That I Somehow Missed)

I wish I hadn’t ignored them

By the time I realized I was bisexual, I felt like I had missed out.

Coming to terms with my strong romantic and sexual attraction to women was bittersweet.

I was in a committed, long-term relationship with a man. We were serious — so serious I ended up marrying him.

I was just coming to terms with my new sexual identity and my opportunities to fully explore it were already closed off. I wouldn’t get to size up my chances with girls I find charming. I wouldn’t get to overcome my nerves and flirt with the cute ladies who make me feel shy.

Missing out on things is sort of the name of the game when you meet your soulmate early in life.

But what bothered me the most is that I didn’t have to miss my chance. Because I really should have known years before.

All the signs were there. I was just really good at explaining them away.

Being bisexual made that easy. Being attracted to men let me hold on to the belief that I was straight even though I had lots of evidence against it.

Some of that evidence was small and superficial. I’m still not sure if it actually meant anything. Like my magnetic attraction to plaid. Is that a bisexual thing or is it my Canadian heritage running deep in my veins?

Hard to say.

But a few of the clues were a lot clearer. If I hadn’t been so repressed, I would’ve picked up on them immediately.

These are the eight big ones. They’re the ones that I had to work hard to explain away and keep my bisexuality hidden from everyone — especially myself.

I Had Crushes on Girls

All of my friends had girl crushes.

There were women they admired and emulated. They loved their style, their confidence, and everything about them. They wished they could be like them or be friends with them.

I had girl crushes, too. But I also had crushes on girls.

I didn’t just look up to them or envy them — I was drawn to them in a deeply emotional way. It was like my heart was screaming for me to run off and start a life with them.

When I look back to the first girl who made me feel that way, it’s clear now that I was in love.

My feelings for her were so strong that it made me profoundly uncomfortable. I pushed her away because the closer we got, the more I was forced to question everything I believed about myself. And those were questions I wasn’t ready to face.

I Focused on the Women in Porn

I started watching porn at a young age. And from the start, I focused my attention on the women on screen.

I know that’s typical for straight girls, too.

It can be hard to avoid sometimes, because the guys are sometimes barely on screen.

But even when they are, it’s normal for women to focus on the pleasure another woman is receiving. You can enjoy the clit stimulation, the hard pounding, and her screaming orgasms because it helps you fantasize about being in her position.

But I was also really turned on by the idea of giving a woman pleasure. The thought of being the one to make her shudder, moan, and squeal was really fucking hot.

I didn’t just want to be the women in porn — I wanted to be with them.

But because I was mostly watching straight porn and was still quite intrigued by all the hard dicks and tight abs I saw, I could tell myself all my thoughts were totally straight, too.

I Thought Everyone Was Sexually Attracted to Women

Girls looked at other girls the way guys didn’t look at each other. We complimented each other’s appearance, commented on our bodies, and expressed jealousy over each other’s tits and asses.

That made me think all straight girls were sexually attracted to women.

I even had a theory to explain it. Because women are so sexualized, we’re all taught to stare at women, objectify them, and sometimes maybe drool over them a little.

What I didn’t realize is that most of my friends weren’t looking at women the same way I was.

They were comparing women. They sized them up, tried to figure out where everyone fit in the hotness hierarchy, and when they saw a really cute girl they wished deeply that they could look like them.

They didn’t wish they could just stare at them all day.

But I wanted to just stare at them all day.

When I was fond of a cute girl, I would’ve loved to just watch her, admire her, take her in.

I had plenty of “I wish I looked like her” thoughts. But I had lots of “I wish I could touch her” thoughts along with them.

I figured those were just normal straight girl thoughts.

I Hated People Assuming I Was Straight

It bothered me when people assumed I was straight. Even when I was in a relationship with a guy, it really grated me.

It wasn’t really a principled thing. I didn’t really care if they assumed other people were straight. But it rubbed me the wrong way when they assumed I was.

On the flipside, it made me feel really good when someone implied I was bisexual or a lesbian. It made me feel cool. But it also felt validating in a way that I didn’t quite understand yet.

I Really, Really Enjoyed Making Out With Girls

Girls making out with girls was a thing.

You’d go to parties, everyone would get drunk, and then the girls would start kissing while their boyfriends watched from the sidelines, sipping beers quietly.

Some girls would preface the makeout by saying things like “let’s get the guys all worked up” or “let’s get their attention.”

I was game but I didn’t give a fuck what any of the guys thought. I would’ve made out with those girls in a dark room with no one else around.

I was in it for their lips, not my boyfriend’s eyes.

I was always more into it than the other girls seemed to be. My hands were more touchy feely than theirs. I wanted to pull them in closer and feel the warmth of their bodies against mine.

I was usually the last one to pull away, and I was the only one who seemed as disappointed as the guys when the lip-locking came to an end.

I Was Really Into the L-Word

I know this one doesn’t automatically make you a lesbian or bisexual. But still…

I was the only straight girl (well, “straight”) I knew who loved the show. And I wasn’t just enjoying it for the drama or the plot lines. I was full-on living vicariously through it.

I was envious of the relationships. I wanted in. Watching (and rewatching) the show launched me into all sorts of long and dreamy fantasies about what it would be like to date, live with, fuck, and marry a woman.

And of course, I wanted to fuck Shane real bad.

That was actually one of the things that finally made me realize I might not be as straight as I thought I was.

I Had to Talk Myself Out of Loving a Girl

When I fell in love with my friend, I went in crisis mode.

My whole uncomplicated straight girl identity was under threat. I spent hours awake at night, trying to find a way out of it.

I kept listing out reasons to myself of why there’s no way I could be a lesbian (bisexuality didn’t even occur to me).

“I was really into boys, so I couldn’t be into girls.”

“I’m just incredibly confused. I got some strange feelings and I blew them out of proportion.”

“It’s fine. I’m straight. I just got a little mixed up, that’s all.”

I managed to convince myself even though I should’ve seen right through it. Straight girls don’t have to talk themselves out of loving girls. They just don’t fall in love with them in the first place.

I’m Incredibly Intimidated by Women

Women fucking terrify me.

The thought of dating a woman is simultaneously highly appealing and deeply scary.

I feel a whole lot of pressure to impress women.

I’m always worried that I’m not good enough for them.

I always got meek around the really cute ones. The only other people who made me feel that way were guys I had a crush on.

I felt embarrassed around women because I worry they’ll be able to read my attraction to them (which, again, I thought was a normal straight girl level of sexual attraction). And I got nervous as fuck because I didn’t want to mess up my chances of getting close to them.

For a long time, I dismissed that as social anxiety. And yeah, there’s probably some of that mixed in there. But this is closer to being sexually flustered than my regular weirdness around people.

Follow Your Damn Heart

It’s wild to me how much work I put into maintaining the belief that I was straight.

Because I was raised to be straight and grew up assuming I was, it was surprisingly hard to shake off that identity.

I held onto it just because it felt familiar — so familiar it made any alternative feel strange.

I have no idea how things would have gone if I had just gone with it from the start.

What would my life have been like if I let myself fall in love with my friend instead of pushing her away?

What if those drunken makeout sessions actually led to something more?

And how would my dating life have changed if I opened myself up to dating women?

I have no idea, but I think about it a lot. And it’s hard not to feel some regret when I do.

I hope I was the last one to suppress herself in that way. I hope every budding bisexual follows their heart and embraces themselves instead.

Because romantic and sexual attraction is a really fucking good feeling. And being able to feel it for even more people is something that shouldn’t be squandered. The plaid is just a bonus.

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